The Sarcastic Side Of Life

Tis the Season to be Slutty

2011-11-01T10:10:00.000-07:00

One of my former acquaintances once told me that when we dress up in costume we are truly reflecting our inner selves. He then proceeded to comment on several different costumes and what they said about the wearers, when I told them that they all belonged to me he did not seem that surprised. Over the years I have generally agreed with this theory. We personify our inner selves through Halloween. I also believe this is one of the reasons why people are partaking in Halloween more and more as adults. And after looking around this year, and trust me I saw many a costume since I was in two costume contests, I know what most women are. Yes...most women (not all) are secretly sluts.

After looking around at all the sexy kitties, pirates, cheerleaders, waldos, firemen, and super heroes, and realizing that at lease half of these sexy costumes should not have been worn by the women in them I knew the truth. Secretly we all want to be sexy. Some of us act the part all year long, hearing the beat of the va-va-va-voom with each step we take, others however need the guise of Halloween to bring that 'sexy' forth. Still, I ask you all when did less clothes become the standard sexy? I rocked out a full length evening gown last night and had people tripping over themselves. No need to have your ass hang out. Seriously, this is something that I saw...a lot...

Ladies, I get it, we all want to be sexy, confident, powerful women. But can we look back on icons like Ava Gardner and remember that classy can also be sexy because it is more about attitude most of the time then it is about what you are wearing. Your attitude governs your poise, facial movements, and actions. Laugh at the right moment. Throw your shoulders back. Hold your head as if you own the world, and by god, you will. You are sexy in jeans and a t-shirt with the right attitude, all the rest is just icing. Seriously though, for the love of all that is holy...put on some clothes...

TMI

2011-10-21T11:11:00.000-07:00

I was talking to my mother this morning while I was getting ready for work, and we were having a debate about a certain bartender we have both seen. There was a lot of back and forth that finally ended with me saying, "Look I know for a fact that he isn't gay!" My mother then proceeded to ask me if I had slept with afore mentioned bartender. Much to my own disappointment the answer was no, but I know someone who has. As if this conversation wasn't special enough it continued...

Mom- Oh good, learn from my mistakes.

Me- You slept with the bartender?

Mom- No! He's a puppy!!! No, but I've slept with far too many bartenders.

Me- Okaaaaay. Well, bartenders are fun.

Mom- And too many band guys.

Me- Well, band guys are fun too. You shouldn't try to make them anything more then a good time though.

Mom- I've had a lot of good times.

(I pause slightly horrified)

Me- Okaaaay

Mom- Do you know I don't have a clue how many people I've slept with or what their names were. Learn from my mistakes.

Me- Yeah, I know all of the names and the number, and it isn't that high.

Mom- Good! Considering I've been married for most of my adult life and I never cheated I guess that says something.

Me- (Awkward silence) Ummm... I guess

Mom- Yeah, it say's that I'm really busy when I'm single! In fact right now is the least busy I've ever been and that's because I'm old!!!

Me- I thought you had a date this weekend.

Mom- Yeah, but that's with this band guy.

Me- Well, it should be a good time at least.

This is what happens when you become friends with your children...your conversations become posts.

Metaphor

2011-10-10T21:51:00.000-07:00

Anyone else ever seen a hairless cat stop to clean it's fur and then remember it is hairless? The surprise on it's face is priceless. I think that this image makes for an excellent metaphor for turning thirty. Yes folks, that right there sums up my feelings about my up coming birthday. Come next month when you think of me...remember that cat.

Turning thirty is like a hairless cat trying to clean it's fur....

just so amusingly sad that you don't know whether you should laugh or accept the sad 'poor thing' pat on the head.

confusing but still cute in it's own unique way.

something you only experience once.

something some jackass is going to take a picture of and put on facebook.

something that makes you realize that a fur coat could help any situation. (and diamonds never hurt on a side note.....eh-hem)

something that makes you wonder if you should moisturize more.

and my favorite.............

something that makes you realize no matter how much you might forget...you are still you.

And that sums what thirty is for me pretty darn well.

One in a Sea of Sky Scrapers

2011-10-09T19:56:00.000-07:00

I ended up in Tulsa, Oklahoma last night. It was extremely unexpected but a fabulous man I am dating decided to be impetuous and proceeded to spend an entire evening sweeping me off of my feet. It was an amazing evening of adventure and romance that fit right in with my whirl wind life style. The merriment and revelries a side though while we were walking from point b to point c in our journey we found the most out of place building in the city. Now, anyone that knows me is shaking their head and saying, "Oh, Wickkett, not architecture again!" Buildings are beautiful damn it!!! So yes...we are going to talk about a building in today's post. What about the amazing night? What about those crazy and incredible details? Hello...this is The Sarcastic Side of Life....remember? When it becomes 'The Juicy Details of Wickkett's Wild Ride' I'll let you know. Anyway, back to the very out of place building. Now, anyone who has ever spent any time in down town Tulsa knows that there are a lot of big beautiful tall buildings. Of course you can walk a few blocks an be surrounded by shorter and fa older buildings.

It is in the short and old buildings that the personality of age seeps out at you from every angle. At one time they were buildings with a more professional purpose and now they find themselves the homes of night clubs and bars. Their disdain is evident with every graffitied tag across their noble sides. It is to one of these angry blasts from the past that I was walking towards when I saw it. Surrounded by sky scrapers, lost in a modern world, sandwiched as snugly as could be stood a Chinese restaurant. I stopped dead in my tracks and started to laugh. Here in the concrete jungle I saw a ginormous middle finger raised to corporate America as it became obvious that someone enjoyed to be a property owner. I could envision a little old Asian gentleman telling his family on his death bed "Do not sell!" I could see the horror in their eyes as they listened. The world rose up around them but out f respect they continued to hold to their guns and respect the old mans wishes. Some of the family would fight about it, but eventually it would become the running family joke. Eventually it would be the focus of one sarcastic Wickkett and cause me to laugh maniacally. Ah yes, random Chinese restaurant, I salute you. Hold strong and eff them, eff them all!

Life Outside of the Cubicle

2011-10-07T21:50:00.000-07:00

Hello all of you out there who take the time to cross over to the sarcastic and twisted moments that I like to share. Today's post comes straight from the still beating heart of cubicle hell. I bet you didn't realize a cubicle had a heart huh? Well it does...me...yup that's right I am the heart of a cubicle. I figured this out today as I stared at the random decorations that litter the three grey walls that surround me daily. My cubicle is far more flashy then most, but I suppose after having a office (even a shared office) for the last six years that should be expected (and no I didn't get demoted). Or maybe it is just my strong aversion to cubicles and my belief that three drab grey walls can suck the life force out of you, I'm not sure. Still the result has left me often staring at a small Van Gogh print hanging above one of my screens plotting a way out while doing my job. Don't get me wrong, I love my job, but there are far too many times that I find myself day dreaming about climbing a plateau in New Mexico, or drinking a rum drink in the Caribbean, or maybe learning to tango in Argentina. Ah, or even just strolling along the street in a neighborhood in a town that I miss and love. Some times as I walk these imaginary streets in my mind there is someone with me a friend that I haven't seen in far too long. Some times I find an old lover standing by my side lending his own interesting input, like he did in the memory my imagination lets me live through in that moment. Maybe it is a new lover that stands next to me in my thoughts, and the sweet escape plan becomes something wild but tangible and free. It has become the fuel to the spontaneity that always causes interesting stories later in my life. Yes, as I sit in my cubicle part of me focuses on everything I am good at in the working world but the important part schemes. That's right the heart of the cubicle is scheming, waiting to break free of the three walled world that holds it every day. Eventually there will be blue sky again, and freedom, sweet sweet freedom, and all of the scheming will have paid off as one cubicle feels it's heart slip away. As I stare at the print that hangs on the grey wall that is the bland generic face of corporate America I dream. I stare at this particular picture because it is my window, the window of my choice. My coworkers don't have these types of eclectic windows, but I know that like me a few of them are scheming. Yes, they are plotting in their minds making imaginary bids for freedom or plans for their own private escape over the weekend. I know, because those of us who scheme often scheme together. So rise up my fellow schemers and dreamers, cry out in your three walled worlds, refuse to go quietly into the night! We are everything that as children we knew we wouldn't be, but remember at the moment we are just treading water, biding our time. We are luring the world into a false sense of security, they think that we are safely secured in our cubicles, but they are wrong. We are not safe, we are not secure, we are the hacked off voice of a generation unwilling to give up our youth...and we are scheming. Be prepared folks because one of these days you are going to be reading about how I got on a plane for Ireland and never quite made it back, or maybe you will read a random post about how much the cabs in London piss me off. Either way, I encourage you all as you sit there scheming and dreaming lost in your own personal freedoms, seize the day and regret nothing!

Killing the Rabbit

2011-10-06T09:49:00.000-07:00

After living in the dating world again for awhile now and being the type of woman that has has no problem receiving the affections of the opposite sex I have realized some things. Today you will get to spend a minute with those realizations.

1. Don't date me. I know, hell of a first realization huh? Seriously, I know I might be exciting and keep you on your toes but I get bored easy. Also, this kind of exciting wears a person out fast.

2. I have to date more then one guy at a time. Three is a good number, but I can range up to eight as long as most of them live else where. And yes...they all know that they are not my one and only.

3. I am addicted to sex. Seriously...it's an addiction, and the withdrawals are not pretty.

4. The explosion of technology has made it far too easy to send random penis pictures. Oh, by the way guys, penis pictures are not an acceptable form of flirtation! Seriously, wtf???

5. Coupled with #4... Guys are really proud of their penises.

6. Dating is kind of like trying to kill bugs bunny. You could probably nail the fuzzy little fuck if you quit giving it the opportunity to talk. Just shoot!!! Quit letting it challenge you and pull a fast one because you find it necessary to prove your superiority to it! It might just be a rabbit, but it is smarter then you think and not afraid to cross dress. Seriously, there is no winning against it so either go with the flow, walk away from it, or let it slowly hammer you down with a large mallet until you submit and settle.

7. I find this one worth repeating... Don't date me! I don't play games and walk away in a second. Or mention any kind of commitment and watch me run.

8. Probably the mos important lesson I have learned. Always ask if they are married or in a relationship! Given, this isn't something that should be necessary, but humanity seems to have lost every last shred of decency and so this lesson has become a firm rule. For some reason married men just love me. Maybe I just project the 'mistress vibe' or something, but I have actually seen a married man fall over himself trying to get to me.

With these lovely little lessons in place I am seriously considering a year long celibacy kick. I think it might be a good idea, my friends however don't think I can pull it off. In fact they laughed in my face at the idea. Do any of you know what it feels like to have an entire table laugh in your face? It sucks! Still it will be after my birthday before I take this very drastic measure if I take it at all. Several people in my life have opted to go on vacation about that time, so they don't have to deal with the withdrawals. The withdrawals get ugly...extremely ugly.

One Bag Of Hammers Short of a Lesson

2011-10-05T10:35:00.000-07:00

The warning labels on things crack me up. You see some of the most ridiculous ones. I mean is it really necessary to put a warning 'Do Not Eat' on a bag of hammers? And who was the bright bulb that made the warning 'for external use only' to be placed on a curling iron? That is the truly disturbing part I think, that for every warning label out there someone as equally ridiculous caused it's existence. 'Do Not Use While Sleeping' on a hair dryer....Really??? Well darn and here I thought I could cut some getting ready time while I took a nap. "Do Not Eat Toner" on a printer cartridge...you know because I wanted a mid afternoon snack and nothing else was available in the office. Good job guys. Seriously to all of you out there that are responsible for these consumer warnings, good job! Clap, clap, clap!!!! You should all be rewarded with a swift kick in the ass. What ever happened to natural selection? In the wild these people would have fallen off of the evolutionary chain. Instead now, we are catering to these people, putting asinine warning labels on everything to protect their precious little lives. Let me pose a question to all of you out there that are not responsible for causing companies to create ridiculous labels, should we continue to protect these people? Seriously, are they really a benefit to the gene pool? Anyone ever seen the movie Idiocracy? That one hits a little too close to home when you think about some of these warning labels. With these exceptions and special circumstances being created for the dumb is it really surprising that reality TV is such a hit? Let's encourage children to have idols like Snookie, and Paris Hilton, yeah that's a great idea raise your daughters to be dumb sluts but hey at least they won't have any false expectations of meeting a intelligent kind hearted man. Nope they will grow up looking for their next baby daddy that will treat them like crap and be a firmly absent figure in their child's' life because they are just immature children themselves. Oh yeah, way to go America...we're just one bag of hammers away from a lesson.

Eff That Corner

2011-10-04T10:42:00.000-07:00

All my life I have been afflicted with nicknames. I am not sure why, I suppose that I just have one of those personalities that cries out to be named in some other fashion then the name I was given at birth. Not all of the nicknames have been favorable, my ex-husband has been the creator of quite a few of these, but they are there none the less. The one I find the most amusing and most frequently used is Baby, I'm not sure why but it seems like everyone calls me Baby at one point or another. I find this extremely amusing since I don't exactly see myself as the 'Baby' type, but you know, I'll roll with it. The most amusing out of the Baby moments is when an employee who I have not, and never will, meet face to face starts calling me Baby over the phone. Sometimes I just feel like laughing because it seems so second nature to them. One of these days I'm going to say..."Nobody puts me in a corner!" In simple response to one of the many "How are you doin, Baby?" moments that I get. My favorite nicknames though have been Kitten and C-Dub. Kitten by several of my exes, who have come up with this separately and on their own, but always for the same reason. Then C-Dub because I rocked out a Cat Woman costume one year for Halloween, and everyone went from calling me Cat Woman to C-Dub because it was shorter. By the way...the people doing the new Batman movie totally missed out when casting for Cat Woman. Little did they know that I was tucked away in north west Arkansas just waiting for them to call me. Hey guys, if Anne Hathaway doesn't work out just send me a message, I'll be all over it.

Bunnies + Yorkies = Horror

2011-10-03T13:10:00.000-07:00

I hate bunnies. This is a new hatred, and really it has less to do with the bunnies and more to do with the horrific experiences the bunnies bring with them. Yes, that's right bunnies = horror, bet you didn't know that little factoid, well you didn't unless you live smack dab in the middle of bunny breeding country and you have a couple of small dogs. You know, Yorkies were bred to be ratters, tiny little dogs that were encouraged to have a blood lust for tinier furry creatures. Nothing that tiny should ever be encouraged to have a blood lust by the way. I mean seriously, anything that could be drop kicked should not be given an attitude that big, it is just cruel. Anyway, the bunny horror/hatred began several months back when they started nesting in my backyard under various bushes. Little did I know that bunnies are the worst mothers in existence with the possible exception of that one bird that pushes her chicks off of a cliff. Did you know that bunnies barely cover their young? They also make their nests where anything can find it. Oh, and let's not forget that they only come to check on their offspring once a day. Epic fail on the mothering scale bunnies...epic, epic fail! I mean, come on, what kind of mother has their babies in the home of things bred to destroy them? The horror that I have been living through with pulling Yorkies off of bunnies, erecting fences around nests, hearing bunny screams as they die in my hands, and then cleaning up bunny parts and blood off of my floors after the dogs throw it up has been a real treat. Does anyone know how emotionally jarring cleaning up bunny parts is, especially after the bunny has died in your hand??? I have been going through this so frequently that now if I am sitting in my back yard enjoying a cup of tea and I hear a bunny scream I move at the speed of light. I have become trained to listen for the sound of screaming bunnies to spring into action. Moral of this little tale of horror...don't live in bunny breeding country. I have so got to move.

Life As I Know It

2011-10-02T09:09:00.000-07:00

After quite an extended absence I have come back to you. You may all heave that collective sigh of relief now. Life, as always has continued in a fast paced and interesting manner. My child is amazing, my dogs are still fuzzy little punks, and after a decade my husband is now my ex husband.

So now I find myself cut adrift in northern Arkansas, loosed back into the dating field a few years older and far more bitter then I started. I believe they call this jaded. Funny how the twists and turns in the road will sometimes have you waking in circles.

I went out to a bike rally last night with my girlfriends. It was one of those life lesson moments. The lesson being that I should not add myself, alcohol, and bikers together. Mainly because I have a 'I don't give a fuck' kind of attitude on my best day and last night was not my best. I was in fine form though, breaking hearts, hitting on exes, drunk texting, talking shit to everyone, and just being a all around joy to be around. I suppose I should be grateful that my friends did not just abandon me. However, the entertainment aspect had to be worth something.

My new goal...never get so drunk that I wake up in bed unsure of how I got there again...or where my pants are. Not a goal most people have to adopt but a goal none the less.

My Dogs and Seafood

2009-01-04T10:27:00.000-08:00

My dogs are spoiled little a**holes that only maintain existence and rank within my household by being painfully cute. I mean that sometimes they are so cute it hurts your heart a little, and suddenly it does not matter that they spilled their food all over the kitchen floor because they refuse to share the two dishes or that Woody in an act of defiance and rebellion ruined the foam dog bed by hiking his leg on it. No, all they have to do is lay their little heads against my chest and give me that ‘I adore you and base my entire being off of your existence’ look, and I just melt. And can they ever guilt me for scolding them! I feel bad just thinking about the poor little guys shaking and looking at me all big eyed. They are kind of like kids, they listen about as well, immediately forget what ever it was that you told them, make a considerable mess, and provide more joy and heartbreak then anything that small should ever have the right to do. Carpet Sharks.

My kid needs a lesson in sportsmanship I am sitting in my office typing this and he and the Significant Other are in the living room playing the Wii and I can hear him in here gloating because he is winning. I would not be as intent as I am about teaching him that gloating is not the nicest way to go about winning anything but I can hear him over very loud music and I should not be able to. How ever on a side note, what the hell?!?!?! My six year old is beating The Sig at the Wii? Crazy.

We were going out for lunch yesterday and The Sig insisted upon cajun seafood. Down here that is like asking for a restaurant to serve water. However we decided on a restaurant that we both enjoy and I had some remarkable blacked tilapia. That is one of the things that I love the most about living down here all of the well cooked seafood., and the sushi. I eat more sushi in a week than most people do in a month. And when I go crazy from mercury poisoning you will all know why. But hey, we only live once and you never know for how long.

Brain Surgery and Public Toilets

2008-12-27T18:28:00.000-08:00

I have to have brain surgery. Anyone who has questions about this can call or email me. Other than that I do not really feel like going in to it any further. Just know that if I am writing less than normal it is due to the lack of feeling in my fingers and very bad head aches.

I have noticed that I rarely get to use private restrooms. This thought was sudden and also very disturbing. I was going to the restroom at work when it hit me, you see our entire floor shares one restroom, and though the company I work for is half of the floor I do not know what their extracurricular activities involve. I get to work at 7:30 and leave at 5:30, then if I go out and about with The Sig or as a family with the little man in tow then we are always some place public. I waited in a 20 minute line last night after watching Benjamin Button. Or the gym…I hate the restroom at my gym…because you know not only has foreign butt been on that seat it has been sweaty foreign butt. So I have figured out that only about 10% of my bathroom time is spent in a private bathroom. That little factoid really unnerves me. Although I am not sure why, I know that it has probably been that way my entire life.

Speaking of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, what an amazing movie. I can not wait for it to come out on dvd so I can own it. Oh, and how beautiful was New Orleans! My mother and sister went to see it and they told me they recognized houses that we had past when I took them on a walk around the Garden District. Seriously though, Brad Pitt was phenomenal bringing to life a character that could have been very unconvincing by most. The story itself wove in and out of age and time like a fine thread picked out of an amazing tapestry reminding us that life is what we make of it. I encourage anyone that has not seen it to do so!

Where is Wickkett?

2008-11-09T10:20:00.000-08:00

So much has kept me away, a wrongful imprisonment in a mental institution of a family member, viral meningitis, and life in general. Sorry about that but life happens I suppose.

I hate the kids on the school bus. Oh, I am sure you think I am being harsh. Trust me, I’m not. The school buses now have assigned seating and my little man is forced to sit next to a older boy that hates him. I would be over reacting if it ended there. The older boy also continually tries and sometimes succeeds in getting my child in trouble. Why doesn’t this little heathen receive some kind of punishment for thi8s clearly unacceptable behavior…because he is the bus drivers cousin! The little man asked me “Mommy what does this mean?” and then he flipped me off. It turns out the older boy on the bus kept trying to get him to do that to the bus driver. Now the people out there who know me can tell you…my anger is scary. The Sig says that I just go nuclear, and he is right. It takes a great deal to make me angry these days, and even more then that to get me to go nuclear. I have become a very different person in this past year. That being said I must make a slight amendment to how my anger reacts when it comes to my child. I can go from bubbling to nuclear in 2 seconds flat, and it is only the thought of jail that keeps me from waiting around to talk to that bus driver and child. Like I said…I hate the kids of the bus.

Sad State

2008-09-14T16:39:00.000-07:00

My head is infected. This is the final production of hurricane Gustav in my life. The infection became so bad that by Friday pus had began to seep from my piercing whole. Good times. The Sig is also infected, but his is a viral infection. He just could not understand why I got worse instead of better after my initial trip to the doctor well that is what happens when you disobey the doctors orders. So in the future when they tell me to rest you can bet I will not be running from the moment my feet hit the concrete. Although all of this rest is already making me a little nutty.

I was doing our weekly grocery shopping earlier (a task normally done by the whole family). It was strange walking through the aisle all by my onesies, sick and desperate to get out as quickly as possible. I found myself forgetting and remember a million little things and running back and forth with each one. I was all over that store in the least efficient shopping trip imaginable! Normally our grocery store is very mellow, a complete opposite of Wal-Mart. The food is a little higher but the quality is better, the stores are cleaner and less crowded, and the people are friendlier. Well, normally that is. On this excursion of inefficiency I noticed brats littering the store, screaming and pulling things off of the shelves, beeping horns, and demanding items and candy from their all to wishy-washy parents. It was everything that I could do to stop myself from picking these children up and using them to club their moronic paternal unit upside the head. For the life of me I will never understand why such a lazy society is so intent on breeding. Am I the only one that has noticed the connection between the people with the three to eight screaming kids and the people that want a hand out when ever possible? Parenthood is not easy, trust me, my son carries around a stuffed penguin that he dresses up like a doll and has lengthy conversations with, but if you put the work in then it is worth it. I am not embarrassed by my child, in fact I am generally all over very proud, and that does not mean that his attitude or demeanor were just handed to us. Oh lucky us, we have the worlds most well behaved perfect child at all times and we have done nothing…yeah RIGHT! I could fill a book with the things that my kid has attempted or managed to pull, and he is not even six. The book would be titled Five Years from Freedom and the highlight would be when he threw up in The Sig’s mouth. Ah, now THAT is parenthood, nothing easy there. But like anything else the outcome is what makes it all worth it. On the week ends we do our weekly shopping as a family, and I have never been embarrassed by my child’s behavior. Normally we end up in rather interesting discussions about the working of things, bugs, or the creation of the universe and evolution. I end the trip not in a daze, stressed, or ashamed, but laughing or at the very least smiling. I do not normally wander aimlessly through the aisle wanting to cry in confusion or pain either, but I blame the infection for that today. I also blame it for making me forget my tortillas.

Damn infection, I wanted those tortillas.

75% Stupid

2008-08-29T16:38:00.001-07:00

I was driving with the Sig talking about the approaching hurricane when I made an off the hand comment on all of the fake storm windows on houses in our area. I always find it amusing when I notice something and then I can not unnoticed it. You would think that in the area that we live in the storm shutters would be real, like they were when plantations were here, but nooooo not the bright bulbs around here. Do they learn from history? Nope they just throw up some fake plywood shutters for decoration and bolt them down to the side of the house, you know, because that makes sense. After driving from my in laws house to my sons school I realized that about 75% of the houses have fake storm shutters and maybe two out of every hundred have real ones. Welcome to hurricane central home of the cheap and the stupid. My favorite though has to be the trailers with fake storm shutters…very intelligent.

Well, shutters aside we are pretty well prepared at our place for Gustav and Hanna, and no worries my friends. If it gets bad my little family is heading north. Until then it will be interesting.

Phenomenon

2008-08-17T09:32:00.000-07:00

So there haven’t been any recent sightings of Elvis. I wonder what happened to him. It could just be me though, I can not remember the last time I glanced at a tabloid magazine in the line at the super market. That is how I kept my Elvis knowledge up to date after all. Still I was beginning to feel like the tabloids were letting me down a little, gone are the days of Elvis, alien children, and three headed chickens. Those great stories were replaced by more celebrity sleaze. How ever it could not be just the regular who slept with who, no it has to be over the top, since it is a tabloid after all. I feel slightly betrayed. Maybe that in itself is why I have not seen any Elvis news, maybe that is why I have not noticed the tabloids at all, it all just blends together these days. I did how ever see a magazine calling a actress over weight when she could have only weighed 130lbs at the most. It made me want to vomit.

Speaking of the wacky, has anyone else been as amused by this Bigfoot nonsense in the news as I have? The DNA evidence came back from the labs and apparently it belongs to a opossum. Not that much of a difference right? I mean anyone could confuse the two. Both live in the woods. Both are fuzzy. Hehehe, the autopsy results are still pending, and I can not wait. After all anyone that has followed my writing knows that out of all of the mythological creatures Bigfoot is the only one that really unnerves me. I think that the reasoning behind it is simple enough, we do not know enough about Bigfoot for me to feel confident enough on how to kill it should I need to. Vampires, mummies, zombies, I am all over those, Bigfoot…not so much. Maybe I should go and observe so opossums, I could collect some new data.

A Ticket to Hell has Never Been Funnier

2008-08-09T11:46:00.001-07:00

If hell actually exists I am probably going there. I always use to joke around about going to hell, but I never put any stock behind it. On the whole I try to be a good person, and not just to the people around me but also to strangers. I do not do it for ‘good points’ or anything like that, I just do it because I want to do what I can to make the world a little better. Anyway, back to the subject of me going to hell… So I was cracking up over a very un-PC joke that The Sig made yesterday, and trust me when I say that though The Sig is not a racist or insensitive person with the way he jokes sometimes it would make you wonder. He’s kind of like Carlos Mencia, but as a white guy it doesn’t quite work out as well for him. He horrified a co-worker of mine once because I mentioned that midst joke he called me a ‘soggy-cracker’ personally I thought the term was hilarious and pretty original. I mean half Mexican half White, soggy-cracker, pretty clever, my co-worker didn’t think it was funny however. Like I said she was horrified, I had to explain that he had a very quirky sense of humor. However as I was tearing up with laughter yesterday I thought to myself about how many people would frown at us at that moment because they lacked senses of humor, and that made me come back to the question if a higher power exists can take a joke? I have always held a strong ‘yes’ to both of those, how ever I have to wonder. I think the strange whacked out beliefs I do have are falling under question yet again. I guess this is what you would call a crisis of faith, not religious, but definitely spiritual. I have felt this crisis threatening for about a month now, since that terrible accident on the eighth took a very important person from my life. Who knew that it would take The Sig and I laughing at the short bus to really bring it crashing down on me. Some people turn to religion in their times of trial, like my mom, she has gone completely ‘end of the world is upon us’ Christian. I have never been one of those people. I do not agree with organized religions at all, but I do have my own beliefs, and at the moment I find that they are all being called into question. Interesting I started this article today with the intention of writing about how I am probably going to be going to hell in a hand basket because the higher power does not have the sense of humor that I suppose, and I end up writing something about a crisis of faith. Hmmm…I think my soul might be a little to heavy for my own good.

Heart Broken

2008-07-27T17:03:00.001-07:00

My dad died on the eighth of July. It was a very unexpected and tragic accident at work. I have been spending my time since then trying to take care of my family, particularly my mom and my son. Mom just had to have an emergency surgery, and thank the gods she is healing fast. This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. My dad was supposed to grow old and crazy and eventually move in with us and drive me crazy with the ‘I told you so’ he should have rightfully delivered when my son became a teenager. This accident was not supposed to happen. I have not written anything because I have nothing to write. Sure life keeps going on, the world keeps turning, but for me I am still trying to find a way to focus on something besides breathing. I still have my sarcastic observations of life and since coming home I have been doing more things then I did before I went back to Arkansas, but I just can not find my spirit. It isn’t dead it just seems to be in retreat for the moment. So I haven’t been writing, but I’m sure that I will again as soon as I can muster the will to do so.

The Fourth

2008-07-02T09:57:00.000-07:00

Being a parent is strange sometimes. You find yourself explaining things that you never really thought about explaining before. You know the things we all learn as children and never really put much thought behind who taught us about it since we have known it most of our lives. Well, guess who probably taught us about all of the information that we take for granted? Our parents. This morning while I was fixing breakfast for my son he was telling me about what we are going to do this weekend. While he is going on and on about fireworks and bar-b-ques I notice that he has not mentioned the reason for the celebration at all. So I asked him if he knew why the fourth of July is a holiday in our country. To my amusement he answered, “It’s a holiday this weekend? Wow!” I suppose that in itself not only answered my question but it also summed up the kind of life we give our son. Fireworks + Bar-b-que = Fun Weekend, it does not automatically mean Holiday. Anyway, I digress. So I started to explain to him how our country became a country and how we became a free people. He had some very good and direct questions and I was proud that he really seemed to be grasping the concept of independence. As I went to set his food on the table I noticed he was wearing a troubled expression and so I asked him what he was thinking of. A tip for all future parents…go ahead and ask, but trust me on this, you do not really want to know. The Little Man looked up at me and asked, “Mommy, what was it like working for the king of England?” I mentally cursed the innocence of youth and then explained that we were talking hundreds of years. His response, “Okay, I’ll ask Grandma!” I am sure she’s going to love that one. Happy upcoming Independence Day everyone!

Vivid

2008-07-01T09:49:00.000-07:00

My dreams are way to vivid for my own good. What is worse though is that I have an over active imagination. Not like the previous Fish Truck story didn’t give me away on that little secret right? My dreams are also pretty easily influenced, when I’m just riding out the dream, by some event in my life. In last night’s case my dream was influence by this book that I am reading about body snatching aliens that have conquered the human race and the Resident Evil movies. So automatically you would think it is a nightmare, right? Nope. Not this little black duck. It was interesting, I’ll give it that, and definitely more entertaining then other dreams I have had lately but it was not a nightmare. The adrenaline was there, but not the terror. I swear I think there might be a short somewhere in my brain, I do not pause at zombies but the dream where I was abducted from my house and taken to a mall where manikins chased me makes me wake up in a sweat. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Of course that whole dream made me pause with questions, the first, why the hell was I worried about manikins? They are easily broken and I was not that greatly outnumbered. Sure a whole army of zombies I’ll take on with a big crystal candy dish as a weapon, a few living dolls and I run like a track star. Seriously, they need to make help groups for people like me.

We went to see WALL-E last weekend and I can not praise it enough. It is Pixar’s best movie since Finding Nemo. The story is wonderfully heart warming and surprisingly powerful. The animation is not only good but remarkable, especially if you take in to consideration that the movie has no dialogue at all for about half of it and robots have limited facial expressions. That considered, someone deserves a freggin medal for developing characters emotionally binding enough that they almost had me crying. Very few movies have ever been able to make me cry. Seriously, VERY few. When I found myself tearing up over a animated robot I was impressed beyond words. If the tears had actually slipped over the edge I would probably go back and watch it again this weekend. My enjoyment aside though, my son adored it as well. WALL-E is the perfect movie for the entire family and I encourage everyone to go and see it in the theater. After that I am sure that you will choose to own it for yourself once it hits dvd. I know it will be on our shelf.

My Dog & The Library Police

2008-06-27T11:55:00.000-07:00

My dog is a complete character, a perfect fit for my family. In other words she is a nuttball. I think she is enjoying this whole recover from surgery down time that I have going on a little too much. She seems to think that I need to be with her at all times though, lazy little thing that she is. If I am in our office for too long she comes to check on me, smiles her little toothy smile, wiggles her numb, and then departs to go back and nap on the couch. When I leave the house for a little while she loses it when I walk back through the door, hopping around on her hind legs, smiling, turning circles, and chirping like a bird. She has always been the happiest person in my family to see me when I come home, but I think she might be developing a few separation issues. I am going to feel guilty about this when I go back to work on the 7th. Poor little fuzz ball. She really is one of the best dogs we have ever had though. I think that is because she is more like a cat fat, lazy, and very indifferent. Now if I could only train her to use a litter box.

I am hooked on a new book series. No big shocker there. There is one slight problem to this little addiction, unfortunately. Since I had to have an emergency surgery out of the blue that has put me out of work for a month we are a tad low on book money. In other words I have already spent $50 on these books and I just can not justify spending another $50 before the week is over. Damn addictions. Why do all of mine have to get so pricey? I guess I just need to accept the facts that I really do live in this state and get a library card. I just keep telling myself, the library is my friend, the library is my friend, the library police are not real, the library is my friend. If I chant it enough in front of a mirror do you think it will make it true? I am so paranoid because I probably owe like $16 dollars to a library in my home town that I racked up when I was eleven. Amazing how the guilt of that has followed me through the years but so many other horrible things that I managed to do as a teenager have never bothered me. I wonder what that says about my psyche…hmmm… too much self evaluation. The library is my friend, the library is my friend, the library police are not real, the library is my friend.

Nutria Solution

2008-06-26T11:12:00.000-07:00

Anyone who has ever spent an extended period of time in Louisiana knows about our Nutria problem. Imagine the biggest, fattest rat you had ever seen. Give that fat rat a stubby tail, no natural predators, and loose him in the swamps to be fruitful and multiply and you have yourself a Nutria. The government actually pays for the carcasses. One of the Sig’s uncles takes them up on this offer and often goes out and hunts them. This weirds me out a bit since he keeps one Nutria as a pet. The Nutria’s name is Newt, and my son just thinks he is the coolest thing since chicken mc’nuggets. The uncle in question, we think killed Newt's mother and then felt bad, but he found him as a baby so he took it home to raise it as his own. Newt is kind of like a cat except his favorite past time is spent playing in his fountain. He’s the safest freggin Nutria in the country, he even has his own vet! However, Newt a side, these little fuzz balls are becoming a real problem, and in exception to the price that has been put on their heads little else is being done. So I have come up with a solution! Chihuahuas. Yes that is right, Chihuahuas. Chihuahuas were originally bred as a form of hunting dog in Chihuahua. They know no fear, and believe it or not they can be pretty vicious when they want to be. Tinkerbelle has just given them all such a bad rap! Anyway, what we need to do is turn packs of Chihuahuas loose in the swaps to hunt the Nutria. Just imagine it, wild packs of Chihuahuas running loose in the swamps of Louisiana. We could even give them their own little nick name. Gator Snack Packs.

The Manipulation of a Child

2008-06-19T09:43:00.000-07:00

I received a call from my mother-in-law last night she told me that the Little Man wanted to talk to me and then gave him the phone. Normally a phone call from my mother-in-law followed by the phone being handed to my offspring means that he has done something that he needs to have the fear of god put into him for. I did not realize that I was to become part of his stunt for the moment until long after our conversation had ended. He started to tell me about how he wanted to come home because he missed me. When I informed him that The Sig and I were not going to be home he asked if he could come with us. I told him no, we were doing adult things that he would not enjoy to celebrate our anniversary. He started to cry. I have never been able to stand it when he cries, it just feels like someone is choking a part of me. I was fortunate that The Sig walked in at that precise moment carrying a dozen roses, my favorite coffee, and a lovely card. I asked Little Man if he would like to speak with his father and he said he did, noticeably lacking any sign of tears in his voice. I gave the phone to The Sig and he spoke with our child for awhile inadvertently calming him down and finding the root of the real problem at the same time. Later at dinner he informed me of the real reason our son wanted to come home, he was trying to punish my in-laws. It turns out that he had wanted to spend the night at The Sig’s grandmothers house with his cousin but my mother-in-law told him no. She had good reason to say no, and I am glad she did, but our Little Man was very angry with her. In his anger he told her that he wanted to go home, so she called me. On the phone with me he proceeded to lie and manipulate in order to get his way and punish my mother-in-law. Little did he know things are not that easy in our family. My mother-in-law spoke with The Sig and gave him the whole back story which he in turn relayed to me over dinner. Naturally I am pissed. I will not tolerate my child acting like a spoiled brat, and his attempt to punish the adults around him is one of the most intolerable displays of arrogance that I have ever seen come out of him. It is going to be very sad when he comes home tonight only to have his butt busted, but maybe he will learn a lesson in there some where. Man, I didn’t think this BS would start until he was a teenager. Gods help me this probably means that he is going to take after me and be my reason for frustration in ten years. Why couldn’t he just take after The Sig? Damn Karma.

6 Years

2008-06-18T10:55:00.000-07:00

The Significant Other and I have been married for six years today. They have been wonderful years. I am a very fortunate person. I married my best friend and we have managed to stay friends. After six years I would still rather hang out with The Sig then with anyone else. In fact the time that we have spent together has only proven to me that I do not just want him any more, I need him. It is strange to know that at one time I knew that I could and probably would stand alone fighting the good fights in my life, a one woman show on the road to who knows what type of mischief. Somewhere along that road I was side tracked by the most soulful eyes I had ever seen. Seven years after being side tracked, six of marriage, and I find myself unable to imagine standing alone. One set of soulful eyes led to another except they are accompanied with my nose and sense of eternal questioning and those eyes will be my life’s greatest accomplishment. Then again who doesn’t feel that way about their child. So why all of the happy remembering? I suppose it is shock, possibly awe, at how quickly the years pass. Soon I will be staring out from behind many wrinkles at some kind of celebration wondering how fifty years could go by in the blink of a eye. Live for today people, because it is our only definite, and the days go by so quickly.

So we watched ‘Lars and the Real Girl’ last night. Talk about a surprisingly touching movie. I just thought it was going to be some off the wall comedy, but it was so much more. The character development of all of the characters involved, including the doll, lacked for nothing. It also made me realize that my friends are not as understanding as Lars’ friends. If I started dating a doll I guarantee you that most of the people I know would quit hanging out with me because I had gone weird. Not like I’m normal now but I don’t think I have dipped far enough into the pool of wackiness to start having delusions, well not severe delusions at least. I have to give props to Ryan Gosling, who plays the character Lars, his portrayal of a man going through mental illness and emotional trauma is very convincing. He made me care about Lars, and about what he was going through. Way to go, I’m not really the touchy feely emotional type.

I am listening to my play list on random at the moment. Does anyone know how odd it is to have Luciano Pavaroti followed immediately by Sixx AM and then by Alan Jackson? It messes with you. Although speaking of Sixx AM, I think they are one of my new favorites. Most people that know me know about my admiration and strange love for Nikki Sixx, so they no doubt are not shocked at that revelation. However Nikki Sixx aside they would still be one of my new favorites the music is powerful, original, and haunting. Their music is meant to be accompanied with the book ‘Heroin Dairies’ and if you experience both of them then you will appreciate the spiral and descent of addiction in a disturbingly new light.
Luciano Pavaroti is one of my old favorites. However the magnitude of any opera is multiplied by a live performance compared to a recording.
Alan Jackson just got lucky.

Back to Myself Again

2008-06-16T09:19:00.000-07:00

Since November of last year I have been sick. At first they thought it was just my gallbladder, but during the removal surgery they discovered that I had a very rare ‘reproductive disease’. A few months later after no response from treatment they discovered that I had more then one. A few months after that and there was still no response from the most severe treatments other than a very adverse reaction. It wasn’t long before I could do little more then work and sleep, the very act of living was taking all of my energy and hope. Soon I found myself in and out of the hospital, each time pleading with a little more desperation for help. On the fourth I was admitted to the hospital one last time. On the sixth I woke up after surgery and felt less pain then I have in months. It finally came down to an emergency hysterectomy. It is a very strange feeling to wake up and realize that you have been sleep walking through your life for over half a year. All of the pain medicines are gone, I ditched those two days after the surgery. The pain of healing is so much less and so very different from the pain of disease that I felt that they were unnecessary. My boundless energy is returning, driving me out of my head because the desire is there to go out and do so many things but the ability has not returned yet. The healing process is a bit too slow for my taste. I feel like I haven’t been living for the last seven months, so adding another month and a half of healing time on to it is like twisting the knife in the proverbial wound. Everyone who knows me claims that I am myself again, no one is quite sure who I was before but apparently it was someone that caused great alarm. It unnerves me to know that I worried my loved ones so deeply, especially The Sig. He told me last night that the energy that had been flowing out of me was tinted like a poison. Poor guy was terrified about what was happening to me but kept a good face trying to remain strong. I have always been a pretty strong force to reckon with so it is strange to hear others talking about trying to be strong for me. I can not lie though and say that I held my head up easily through out the whole ordeal, there was one point where they thought that I had cancer, the day I went in to get those test results was one of the most frightening moments of my life. I was tired from the sheer act of existing and I was scared about what cancer would put everyone else in my life through. Dark times the past few months, but the long night is at a end and I can see the light shining at the edge of the horizon. I am myself again. I have caught myself looking at near by bike trails, kayak runs, hypostasizing about possible connections between uncorrelated dead civilizations, writing, and reading again since the surgery. I can not tell you the last time I was able to do those things uninterrupted or with a clear mind. I know that I am well known to take breaks in my writing that are worth months of silence. I also know that my writing has been few and far between this year. I wanted to explain to you why I had little to write about. If I am going to bring up a depressing subject then I would rather be on the sidelines throwing my sarcasm out at the world in retaliation for the one being injured, I do not like being the depressing subject itself.

On to other topics.

I am buying a new car. My little Dodge Neon just isn’t meeting our expectations these days. I think The Sig and I have settled on a 2008 Honda Civic Hybrid. We drive so much in a week with our commute to work that it just made sense to us to purchase a hybrid and we have a deeply unshakable loyalty to Honda. Considering the loyalty our current Honda Civic has given to us it is the least we can do. After the car I think The Sig is going to try to talk me into a boat. My premonition comes from the boat talk that he is already trying to slip into the conversation as we drive down the road. But then again he is also slipping in motorcycle talk into the conversations as well. There isn’t a ounce of my being that doesn’t enjoy that man’s unshakable thrill of adventure. He definitely keeps me as entertained as I keep him.

Alarming Fish

2008-03-15T21:12:00.001-07:00

The Little Man asked me why we didn’t have a fancy alarm on our house the other day, and I told him we did. Very confused he tried to tell me that we did not. I told him yet again, very matter of factly, that yes we did. Finally he asked me what I meant. I told him our alarm was named Boo-Boo and she serves the purpose very well. I then had to explain further. Finally he agreed that she is a pretty good little alarm and the matter was put to rest. The matter was re-visited the next day while I was at work. The Sig called me and I could hear Boo in the back ground barking her little head off. Apparently some one was mowing their yard and she did not agree, but my Little Man walks by The Sig’s office pokes his head in and tells him very nonchalantly, “The alarm is going off.” The Sig and I were very amused. The kid is a mess.

So, I have seen quite a few unmarked ‘fish’ trucks all over the are lately. What exactly is a unmarked ‘fish’ truck, you might ask. Well dear reader that is a fabulous question. As far as I can tell a ‘fish’ truck is a large white truck of moving van size or larger with no markings on it what so ever a side from the word ‘fish’ printed in blue in small italics on the back. And naturally since I am so morbid the first thing that comes into my mind is one question…I wonder if there are dead bodies in that truck. I am not sure where I think the bodies are coming from, upon further review I think well, maybe they would be bodies in hidden storage from Katrina (and don’t think that it is not possible and still happening) or maybe it has something to do with the mob. That always brings the thoughts of one criminal or official saying, “No boss, I have the perfect idea. See we move it in a truck that says ‘fish’ on the back. No one will question that! It can’t go wrong.” By the time I make it to the destination my imagination has become the out of control train that has led my own body to the back of one of the ‘fish’ trucks due to my snooping questions. I don’t like those trucks, they’re beginning to really screw with my head.

Please Do Not Urinate on the Seat

2008-03-03T19:47:00.001-08:00

Alright, we all know that I am not the delicate type. I am brass, straight forward, blunt, and extremely sarcastic. At work my sarcasm spills over into the halls like the rain flooding my front yard right now. But I will tolerate quite a bit before I just say screw it and draw the line in the sand. The perfect example of my point would be the bathrooms at work. I work in a very nice building with very nice bathrooms, well they were nice until the phantom pee-er came along and then before I know it there is pee every where. Yes, every where. Well, I have been working late quite regularly these days and the last thing I do before getting in to my car is stop off in the bathrooms and when I am tired from a long day of work I am not focused on looking for pee on a every surface. This scenario managed to play out twice before I hung signs clearly visible in every area of our bathroom. The signs are polite and yet too the point "Do Not Urinate on the Seats." (And I should have thrown in 'or on anything else' but it was a moot point.) The signs, though they caused a small scandal with the mystery over who hung them, seemed to work for a few weeks. A few weeks, but a few weeks is not forever. That was the line in the sand people, and the phantom pee-er has crossed it. Soon the signs are going to be changed, soon the signs are going to get mean, and soon I will be arrested for hanging out in the bathroom trying to catch said phantom in the act. This does not bode well. I know you will be waiting in anticipation to see how this goes.

The Least You Could Do

2008-03-02T08:47:00.000-08:00

One of my dearest and oldest friends told me the other day that he is going to be getting married soon. I couldn’t be happier for him, if anyone I know deserves a happy marriage he does, but as most news does it made me reflect on some things. I started thinking about all of my friends and ex-lovers that are now married or about to be married and though I am insanely happy for all of them I couldn’t help but feel a little put off. No one could join some form of religious order requiring them to marry a god and live a life of celibacy secretly pining away for me for the rest of their lives? I mean, come on, my ego could have used that! When ever I ended a relationship they were destroyed, though of course we would either stay friends or try to pick the friendship up again over the years. As friends even though I gave little thought to it, I would watch or even help them move on becoming a stronger person with out my over powering influence exuding that much control over their lives. I am still extremely close with quite a few of these people, and I am very happy for them that they have moved on to lead a happier life. Still, some one could have gone off and lived a life of religious celibacy because I was too difficult to forget. I guess in a way we all want to be the one that is unforgettable, irreplaceable, even if we have moved on to a better happier lives ourselves.

In other news I am going to the opera tonight with a buisness associate. I am thrilled, to see Puccini sung live in Italian is an unforgettable sight.

Now it is off to the gym. Before that though, I tried a new product this morning that I have to say is absolutely amazing. It is called Soyrizo it tastes just like Chorizo except it is about 100 times less likely to give you a heart attack over years of use. Just had to share. Ta.

Uncomfortable Silences

2008-02-24T12:12:00.000-08:00

Am I the only person that hates elevators? I think that they might be designed as a type of torture devise. I work on the thirteenth floor of the second largest building in New Orleans, this roughly translates in to riding in a elevator at least twice a day. Standing there with a group of people refusing to talk to each other, or look at each other, unless of course you get stuck in the elevator with that one creepy guy. You know the one I'm talking about, the guy with no understanding of personal space who will intentionally turn away from the door and stare at you, breath mint close, creepy. Or you could just get stuck with one person, both of you appraising the other and wondering if you are being judged. Then there is always the standing rule about getting off of your cell phone when you step in to an elevator that always makes me wonder, who comes up with these rules? Is there a book somewhere I should know about? It also makes me want to start really screwing with people, you know take a step closer to them with every floor that passes and when we are breath mint close say 'Hello.' You know, something like that. Give a knew definition to reaching out and touching someone. Poke them and say 'Tag you're it!' It only makes sense that if we are going to uncomfortable we might as well have a reason. My new goal...make the day a little stranger for the people in the elevator with me. Oh, and let's not even approach the subject of passing gas in the elevator.

I had a strange dream the other night about an old friend of mine that fell by the way side over the years. We had issues, things that just build up over time left unmentioned due to the others insecurities. Things that with time are just unacceptable to the other person about their friends character. In short it was what happens when you are unable to tell your friend that they are acting like a jackass because they take themselves too seriously. It is a shame too because no matter what I will always love her crazy ass, despite the bitterness. Still, I had this dream the other night that she and her husband were going through a horrible divorce and she was upset and needed help. When I woke up I was disturbed and wanted to call her to make sure she was alright. It was in that moment that I realized that despite our falling out I missed her. Sure there have been times where I would hear things or see things that brought up her memory and know she was happy or upset by them, but it was different. For example the Oscars tonight being hosted by Jon Stewart will have her on cloud nine, or the fact that there has been a clothing line based off of David Bowie might actually convince her to go shopping. These thoughts aside the other day was the first time that I actually felt concern for her well being, or her husbands, in a few years. After coming to terms with this renewed, or just re-realized emotions, I do hope they are alright where ever they are. I hope they are healthy, happy, and I hope they are better now then when we parted ways. I guess given enough time even my bitterness can begin to fade.

Music From the 90's

2008-02-03T09:00:00.000-08:00

Let's see... a little update since it has been so horribly long since I posted. The Sig and I went on vacation at the end of December beginning of January which was nice but would have been nicer if I hadn't been so ill. Why was I ill? Because my gallbladder went bad. This is the short of things led to surgery on the Thursday before last. Obviously I am doing much better.

I was going through my closet the other day (apparently I do things like that when recovery from surgery, I don't know why I just do them) and I turned on one of the satellite radio stations that I probably do not use as much as I should. I found a 90's station and changed it approprietly to the music I listened to in highschool and still enjoy a great deal. I expected Nirvana, Pearl Jam, STP, Smashing Pumpkins, and all of the other great bands that started the grunge movement that defines my generation. I was shocked to get on Foo Fighters song and nothing else but a bunch of songs that conjured up many forgotten memories of my changing the radio station in my car cursing at the gods of music for allowing "Hit me Baby one More Time" to find its way to my ears. I was amazed at how many crappy songs rolled across before I finally changed the channel. It was the Spice Girls "If You Want to Be My Lover" that finally broke the camels back (thinking about that I'm comparing myself to a camel and I don't think I like it) that was the last straw (that's better)the sassy british vocals brought with it a memory of driving with my old highscool chum aptly tilted 'Little Gay David' in a VW Beattle and he singing that song as loud as he could while tearing up the California highways. I must have been pretty loaded at the time since I am pretty sure I was singing it too. By the way has anyone else ever realized that they were behaving far more zesty than they normally would while with a smaller peppy-er person? Anyway, I digress, so there I am sitting on my bed holding a shirt having a very vivid flashback of my youth that probably could have remained a memory long buried only to reappear in regression sessions of therapy that will probably be brought on at my 45th birthday when I fully intend to have a mental breakdown at the realization that my youth has passed me by. Until then I will just stay away from the spice girls and 90's music stations.

On a similar note, I ran down the street the other day to buy a smoothie. I suppose it was my own fault for going around 3:30, but given I never really think about school hours since like most dregs I'm normally at work. Anyway I find myself waiting for my smoothie surrounded by teenagers, as any adult knows this is generally an annoyance, and as any teenager knows they are rebelling against the man which all adults symbolize and since they had the numbers the adults were the true annoyance and unwanted invaders of their space. As I climbed into the Honda the Sig turned to me and said "Do you realize there were kids in there that can drive that were born in the 90's?" It would have almost have been as commical if the Sig had said "Hey look over there!" and punched me in the face. So in return I turned to the Sig and said "Do you realize our child is growing up in a world where Kurt Cobain is dead?" I probably shouldn't have said that, I didn't like the way he went all white in the face. Ah well, the world keeps turning.

X-Mas & Man Covers

2007-12-09T18:28:00.000-08:00

It's that time of year again, and I have opened the polls to see how long the neighbors will keep Santa inflated this year. Considering I live in a completely different state it may be a vast difference in decoration longevity rules around here. But I doubt it. So I am calling April for the month that Santa finally comes down. You all let me know how the rest goes.

I heard that the Oscar's are going to be affected by the writer's strike, and I laughed. That's right I laughed. I look forward to watching the Oscar Ceremony this year with out writers, I think it will be terribly interesting.

I was driving across the Causeway bridge the other day, and I noticed man hole covers, and I was forced to think 'Why?' (For those of you that have no idea what I am referring to, the Causeway is the longest bridge in the world. And it is pretty darn cool.) Anyhow, so there I am cruising along at 70 when I notice a man hole cover, and at first I think, well obviously they are there so maintenance can be performed on the bridge, but then I noticed all of the special ladders built in for this purpose. So I started thinking, why have them? Why have them all over the bridge? Is there something special down there? Hmm, maybe that is the door to Neverworld. Fitting it would be in Louisiana.

This Space Reserved

2007-11-04T07:44:00.000-08:00

I am not sure if Walgreen's all over the country or just the ones near me have started doing this but I am very amused. There are now signs up at Walgreen's above the two nearest parking spaces (aside from the handicapped) next to the doors that say 'Reserved for expecting mothers only'. I am guessing that this is because when you become pregnant you lose the use of your legs. Or it could possibly be because of the many times that we have all heard women scream "My water broke, quick take me to Walgreen's!", that would definitely explain it. What ever the oh-so-obvious reasoning might be behind this parking transformation it leads to the possibility of a great 'breaking the news' kind of scenario. Ladies, if you have a sense of humor and you are pregnant I strongly encourage you to make use of these parking spots as a way to break the pregnancy news to someone...anyone. Because in my mind that must be what the true purpose behind them really is.

My hiatus last month was brought to us by the Little Man's birthday, visiting family, and MySpace.

I am a coffee fool, anyone that knows me knows that as a fact. More so though, I am a coffee snob I order my whole bean and have it vacuum sealed and shipped to me. No problem there, I drink some awesome coffee ordered through a great vendor. My problem has been in trying to find espresso that lives up to my coffee. I am open to suggestions.

Hallow's Eve in the Crescent City

2007-10-13T07:52:00.000-07:00

Anyone who has ever spent any time in New Orleans will tell you that it is a world unto itself. Most places of great size have defining trade marks and cultures that make them cities unlike any other, but at least when you're there everything still has the familiar quality that ties it in to the rest of the country we know so well. New Orleans lacks that familiarity. Everything is different down here folks. Strange and beautiful with a strong undertone of tragedy and a high over tone of showman ship. new Orleans is a city that has seen disaster after disaster, and unfortunately I believe that some part of it is just waiting for the next great moment of sorrow, something else that will work it's way in to the amazing tapestry that is the city's history. Now, with that said, can you imagine the city at Halloween? Ah, the Garden District transforms in to a layer of spider webs and ghouls and everything takes on this aire of anticipation. I love it. Not to mention Magazine Street has some pretty awesome costume shops on it!

It has been a long week but good on my end. I survive well in the corporate world and it is at the end of a week like this when I can remember that.

This post is terribly short because I find it necessary to run out the door and live. The little man's birthday is right around the corner and I must go get scary party supplies for a Halloween themed party. That's my boy, loves Halloween as much as The Sig and I do. but then again I'm not sure what I should expect from someone who is turning five. Although I must say if that kid decides to change the design of his cake one more time I'm going to scream!

It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like...

2007-10-07T19:00:00.000-07:00

I know my absence has been long and painful, but fear not I have not been eaten by an alligator nor have I been dragged in to the murky Louisiana swamps by a swamp monster. No I have just been dealing with ridiculous Charter Cable and their absolute refusal to follow up on a order that I have had in for cable Internet. They failed to show up for installation so many times they blocked my phone number...seriously. And now that I am back in the world of the technologically normal I can once again delight you with my observances of the utter ridiculous.

Let's start with the fact that I walked in to the dreaded Walmart in the middle of September to find the employees hanging Christmas decorations. I also found this phenomenon in Walgreens. You need a good laugh, just walk in to one of the Wal-stores and check out the giant inflatable Santa hanging out next to the inflatable skeleton on a Harley. Consumer marketing at it's most amusing folks. Although as a parent of a small one this kind of tweeks me the wrong way. Does anyone else have any idea how annoying it is to hear the words "Oh look, Santa! I wonder what he'll bring me this year because I've been so good! Do you think we can buy a pumpkin to carve yet?" Just one more reminder about how much money I spend every year around the holiday seasons. Way to start giving me a minor stroke in September Wal-stores!

On to other fronts, it looks like I'm headed out to California for a visit next month. (If everything goes right with my flight) So Californians... and you know who you are... rejoice, I give up.

Living in Louisiana, for those of you who have wondered about our move, has been pretty great. There's really nothing like working in the Central Business District in New Orleans. I often lunch on Magazine in the Garden District, or walk to the French Quarter for some exercise. Good times. But we don't live in the city, and that is wonderful to me. We live in a nice house that seems to be a refuge to tree frogs. Considering how much our family likes frogs we are all doing just fine with this arrangement. The only thing that slightly bothers me is that our house is haunted, but then again we are in the creepiest state in the U.S. so I really don't know why I expected any less.

And since so much has happened in the news since I last spoke out I doubt that I will say much. I must comment on one thing though, and that's Brittney Spears.

For those of you that do not understand or know about my intense fascination with Brittney lets just say that I have always felt like someone sitting at a train station waiting and watching for that moment a switch was accidentally missed and the train derailed in to a fire ball of chaos. Little did I know that at Spears station more trains would keep being sent in to prevent the passengers from being late. I almost called the only other person I know is enjoying this fiasco as much as I am to say "Oh my God, K-Fed got the kids!!!" Brittney, thanks for keeping us entertained.

It's Hard To Say Good-Bye

2007-04-27T12:32:00.000-07:00

I leave tomorrow, and today has been a very emotional day for me. I had to post something, so this is it.

I will post again on the other side of a very long move.

I Know A Fat Chick Who Digs Mayonnaise

2007-04-20T07:55:00.000-07:00

I look at the diets of my friends around me who complain about their weight and I am forced to wonder if they realize how fattening mayonnaise is. My diet lacks in things, I have lapses of judgement, splurges, and sometimes even mayonnaise. I am not above turning the hard core finger upon myself, but the day I start dipping fast food into mayo like it was made to be a dipping sauce then I want someone to harpoon me, because I'm going to need it. Blah. And don't even get me started on the rest of the perks that we are taking as glorified liberties with our eating habits. For example, ranch dressing is like mayonnaise, not everything is meant to be dipped in it. Not all food has to be fried, really it doesn't. I swear to you in the south you can get corn on the cob fried, it's just wrong. Vegetables are your friends as long as they are not deep fried and smothered in gravy. I believe in fried foods, gravy, ranch,and even mayonnaise but I do not believe they need to be eaten with every meal. Then there is bar-b-que sauce, nothing needs to be drowned in this tasty sauce. And if you partake in these foods entirely too much, do us all a favor and adjust your wardrobe accordingly. Please.

On moving news, I will be fleeing my current state and venturing farther south at the end of next week. I am very stressed out, very busy, and I think it might be possible that I could snap at any minute.

On snapping at any minute news, I am amazed that I managed to keep my composure (translates in to cursing at the top of my lungs instead of following every stupid rubber necker in front of me to where ever they where going and planting car bombs on their vehicles.) That is definitely the only thing I will not miss about this area! The way people drive in this entire state is amazingly stupid. Anyway, I was driving in to work yesterday and all of the sudden traffic comes to a halt on the interstate, I think 'Great another wreck.' People around here are awful about rubber necking. Boy was I wrong. Those idiots were stopping because there was a cop on the side of the highway, just sitting there. I'm sorry, but when in the hell did a police vehicle become a stop sign??? He should have given them a ticket for blocking traffic, and another for being stupid! I still want to hurt these people. But I'm just happy I managed to keep that vessel in my forehead from blowing. Yay for me.

Now...On to regular news.
Has everyone heard about Alec Baldwin? Everyone heard the tape that was leaked out by Kim Basingers' lawyers mother? Anyone left think he is still a nice guy? Amazing how insane some people can go even though they have the money for proper treatment. Sad really.

Aside from crazy celebrities there is real news out there. Of course we have all heard about the college massacre. A horrible moment for our country's history. My condolences to all the victims friends and family. Am I the only one that feels that the college needs some kind of emergency plan of action for the evacuation of the school due to crazies? Might be good to draw up, just in case. You know it does not seem very likely that an attack will happen at a school more then once, but it seems like their track record is not that great so they might just want to prepare for the worst and hope for they best. Sad that so many lives were lost, and even more futures altered, lives changed, and dreams destroyed. What are we becoming when something like this happens in our schools, to the youth of our country, the people who will make our future?

Another atrocity that I feel needs to have wider coverage is the story of the young journalism major at Columbia University. She was held captive, tortured and continuously raped for 19 hours on April 13th. I encourage you all to go to MSNBC and read the full article under the crime and punishment section. The guy cut her eye lids and then set the futon she was tied to on fire. The least we could do is recognize her case, and her attacker.

On to personal screwing with people news~ I believe that screwing with people might be my soul purpose in life, and if you do it right it not only adds amusement to your day but to the day of the screwie as well. For example, just start asking for random odd condiments if you get fast food or take out. Ask for mustard when you get a yogurt at McDonalds, or better yet ranch. Demand salsa with your sopapilla, or soy with your coconut ice cream. Give them something to talk about. Walk in to Fed-Ex and ask them how you could mail a gerbil, then ask them if it would help if it was dead. Intentionally get a ticket from a campus cop, then go to court to contest it. When the campus patrol man does not show up present your side of the case as a 'getting me back for calling him a rent-a-cop' motive. The judge will have a good laugh and the ticket will be thrown out (trust me). These things are a interesting way of channeling all that awful soul destroying stress we all get. Plus, I'm sure we have all had days where some one has done something so off for that situation you kept revisiting it in your minds eye and it brought with it a healthy laugh. Spread the laughter. Alec Baldwin could stand to do something odd like that every once in a while, it would help.

Slacker

2007-04-04T11:45:00.000-07:00

I'm sure most of you, dear readers, are close to giving up on me. I have left a void where my sarcastic daily rant would normally be, and though you think I'm ignoring you, I swear I am not. My dearest readers, I have been buried under the shit storm that is moving to another state. If any of you have had a turn of events that has brought about a very large move for you then I am sure you understand. However, the person reading this and nodding thinking to him/her self 'I've done that!' when all you did was make a hour move, you need to stop thinking you understand. You need to stop right now because you don't. In fact, unless you have made a move of no less then 12 hours one way then I do not want to have you come up to me while I am putting my life in boxes and tell me about your harrowing journey of one hour away. Especially if I was the one that helped you move. That was really only aimed at a handful of people, most have enough common sense just to say, "Wow Wickkett, that sucks. Need help with that box?" That is what most people would do how ever I seem to be surrounded by morons lately. I get the feeling that the IQ of the public is lessening as my stress level is growing. But come on I know it's not all just me and I will give you examples.

1. A guy called me the other day and asked me how to spell Joe. It would have been a little more understandable if this was not his second time to ask. I almost said, "T-E-D, Joe." But he probably would have started writing out Ted on everything.
2. A whole bunch of people thought that Donald Trump would lose a bet, and a staged bet at that. I bring this up though and what do you think happens? I have a group of people trying to defend the validity of wrestling.
3. People keep calling me and beginning the conversation with "Duh...duh..." We really should do something to stop the inbreeding.
4.Another brilliant phone call was actually received by a friend and co-worker of mine, but since the perp is the ever present thorn in my ass I must repeat his crime here. He called and asked her what his phone said, he wanted to check his caller ID title, however he just asked her what his phone said. I blew a nut when I heard this, the proper answer to that question is -Ring Ring-!

Now these are just four run of the mill examples. I have to drive to that far off distant state we are moving to tomorrow so I'm sure I will have far more tales of stupidity to bring back to you. Yes, I'm leaving tomorrow during work to drive for a unhealthy amount of time by my onesies so I can catch a few hours sleep and then go and interview at a few places. After trying to charm people on very little sleep I then get to catch a few more hours sleep before waking up and driving back. This wouldn't be too bad if my CD player worked. Right now it is not just broken, but spiteful as well turning on at random moments and picking out the most hateful lyrics possible to spit at me before turning back off to leave me in confusion and anger. Anger more then the confusion now that I know what it is up to. When I finally make it back to my house, exhausted, and road worn, it will be time to hang out with the Sig while I can and then after what I'm sure will be another night of very little sleep it will be Easter. Easter, and our little man will be hunting eggs and all the things that Easter is great for doing when you are a kid. Then my family is going to come over, for what will probably be the last holiday I spend with them for awhile. In other words dear readers, like I said before, I am buried under the shit storm of moving. Other then that I will move on to the news.

The coyote in the Quiznos. Am I the only one that wishes this pup had felt more in the mood for a beer? How great would it have been if he had found his way in to a bar and hopped up on the counter instead of the cooler? I know a few people would have been convinced they had been slipped something in their drink. My view on it, the furry guy just wanted a sandwich, who doesn't from time to time.

The next bit of news was not as wide spread as the coyote business, but just as interesting. A 700 lb woman had to be cut out of her house the other day. She had fallen and needed emergency assistance. As the emergency personnel cut her out of her house she was reported to have a very pleasant attitude and joked about the situation. My initial reaction to this story was a thought that I know a woman well on the road to this situation, it will happen shortly after she eats her husband for not dividing up the food to the portions she feels is equal. The only difference, no one will ever know she needs help because she will refuse to use the phone due to some strange mental issue. My second reaction, I am rather amazed that a 700 pound woman was up walking around. Her legs must be really strong.

So Many Kinds Of Wrong

2007-03-27T08:36:00.000-07:00

I have known a lot of deviants and sickos in my days, in fact that is a requirement before a person can count themselves amongst my friends. My friends are a different breed of deviant then the ones I always post about up here. I have been unfortunate enough to run across a few that I do expect to read about in the news one day, I suppose that is just a casualty of growing up in California. However the fruit cake I read about in the news today might actually beat all of the deviants and sickos I have known or known of in some strange animal fornicating genre. Dear readers, in today's news I bring you the dead deer f*cker story.

Brian James Hathaway, a man with a new reason behind hunting, has been convicted for having sex with a dead deer. And if you all have the same mental image in your mind that I do then I am sure that you too are wondering exactly how he managed to hold the thing up. Deer are usually heavy and lets face it the only alternative to lifting it up to thrust would be another very awkward and uncomfortable position involving bare knees and a lot of rocks. Oh yeah, I know I'm turned on, I think I'll run out and go hunting right now. As if the dead deer sex wasn't enough, this guy has a prior conviction for killing a horse with the intention of having sex with it. So he's a repeat offender and he is escalating, watch out for your moose around him. He gives a whole new meaning to horse back riding doesn't he? After reading this article and finding myself both equally amused and disturbed I could not help but think, at least it just seems to be a fetish for dead animals. At least it is not a fetish for dead people.

In the normal events of my life, today is one of those days humanity should be happy that I do not carry a gun on me at all times. I would be one of those people who shot a large portion of the herd and then ended my spree in a hail of bullets. Well, not really, but I might shoot one particularly annoying person today in the knee. I prefer to make them suffer.

I have to pack after going to the gym tonight, and my head already hurts just thinking about it. Who in their right mind likes packing? It is the biggest baddest game of tetris out there, except the pieces are not all perfect and they don't flip, drop, or move at the touch of a button. Blah.

I dreamt about the next Harry Potter book last night. They had put it out on the shelves but they were refusing to sell it. For a moment in time, dream world or not, I thought about doing something very unpleasant to a book store. Blasphemy. I woke up feeling guilty.

Must Be Dead

2007-03-26T13:57:00.000-07:00

I have decided that there is a mummifying body in a neighborhood next to mine. Why else would the person who occupied it leave a 9ft wire light up snow man up for so long? I think I need to scope out the house and see if there is any activity coming or going, if not I'm sooo calling the cops! I refuse to be that person that is on the news saying things like "Well, we just thought Jeff went on vacation." Actually I would not be interviewed, I would refuse. Has anyone ever seen an interview with a person that lives in a southern state, it doesn't matter how educated you are they are either going to make you sound inbred or in the case of the Weather Channel actually go out and find the family in Deliverance. Yeah, we do not all live in trailers that get blown away by tornadoes while we play the banjo and fornicate with our sister. Don't believe the weather channel, they lie! I do think that I need to ask the cops to investigate this house though. If the guys not dead perhaps they can write him a ticket for being lazy and ridiculously tacky.

I have been on vacation which is my excuse for not posting in a week.

I will also be moving soon, I am not one to post where I live because of the monkeys. Yeah, I know about the monkeys...you thought you had me fooled, but I know. I hate moving though, especially when it is a big move and there are animals involved and I think our house comes close to qualifying as a zoo. Which speaking of animals our female gerbils had babies, I think someone lied to me.

In the news today-
It looks like Anna's boyfriend is going to get away with murder. Sorry, Anna, someone failed you.

Mummified

2007-03-15T10:08:00.000-07:00

Mummified bodies keep popping up in the news. Normally they would be people discovered by anthropologists and I would be very excited on the insight provided on their culture by the find. How ever, lately mummified bodies of people from our own culture are being found in their homes left and right leaving me less excited and slightly horrified. I have taken to watching my neighbors to make sure none of them just go absent for a period of time. The moment they do I will be the first person on the phone with the cops to come and investigate what my mind is telling me is the smell of decomposition. I started to think about it quite a bit with the last mummified neighbor discovered down in Texas, I'm sure we can all think of at least one person we know of that could die and go undiscovered. I can think of two right off the top of my head, two very sad friendless people who seem to enjoy a life of drunken self serving solitude. I am sure all of us know some one who needs some kind of social or mental help, or perhaps just someone who is so intolerably self righteous that they have driven off anyone that came close to being a friend. In other words someone who would die and go unnoticed until the tax man came calling. It creeps me out, who knows what house might hold the mummifying corpse of someone I used to see walking around the neighborhood. And really, since there are only two neighbors I talk to it could very easily be going on right now. We are turning in to a reclusive society brought on by random acts of violence and the inability to trust anyone. Sad. The crazy lady across the street has yet to mummify, I would notice if that whack job disappeared. I also take comfort in knowing that I am not one of those people who could mummify unnoticed in my home. We have far to many people coming over to have a absence go unnoticed, you know who you are, plus there are a couple of people at work who would physically bust down the door to slap me around if I disappeared. I have to wonder if the people who are and have lived a life unnoticed even realize it. Hmmm, like I said before it's just sad.

Another tidbit from the news a serial lingerie thief has finally been caught in Tokyo. The man has been on the loose carrying out his sick pantie thieving plans for about six years now. Six years, that's a long time to have to carry out pantie thieving, in fact if you are a master at climbing like this serial thief then you know that means you could steal 2 or 3 pair a day! That's right when they totaled all the found undies up it tallied out to 3,977 pair of panties, 355 bras, and 10 pairs of stockings. I have to admit, I'm impressed.

A new species of big cat was found. I'm thrilled, I love new species and I love big cats so this all gravy in my book. The cat is known as the Borneo Clouded Leopard, and I encourage you all to go watch the footage of it on Reuters. It is a gorgeous creature, and since it has now been found who knows how long it will have before we kill them all off.

While on Reuters I also suggest you read about the $1000.00 pizza. Yeah, I thought it sounded like a waste of money too.

Vegas Royalty

2007-03-13T08:39:00.000-07:00

So, The Stardust in Las Vegas has died. Murdered to make way for a modern resort that will cost billions and is projected to be completed in 2010. But I ask that we take a moment and think about what we have lost. Some might think it was just a trashy tinsel building from a trashy tinsel town, and part of me is inclined to agree with you, but there is always that other side. The other side says that this hotel and casino was a record breaker in many ways from the day it was designed. It was the largest in Las Vegas for a long period of time, the venue that brought us Sigfreid and Roy, had notorious and public mob connections, and was given the largest fine ever issued by the Nevada Gaming Commission. This building as shady as it sometimes was held a wide variety of entertainments and was ever changing to please the public. It housed the famous and long past Aku Aku Polynesian restaurant with the even more popular Tiki Bar. At one time the hotel was the pinnacle of prestige, but like so many of the places and people made popular in that era it grew to be more of a symbol for the times. Never with out grander, the hotel once sought after by Howard Hughes, it went out with as much excitement as it came in. So we bid farewell to The Stardust, with all the trashy Las Vegas glamor that it held on to from the time of movie stars and the mob. Never again will anyone imagine that Elvis has walked those famous corridors one last time, day dream about the Rat Pack, or go to see Wayne Newton croon with perfect hair to a drunken crowd. There are still remnants of The Stardust around, and I am sure there always will be. You will always be able to visit those things in museums and know that some parts of Vegas will never really die.

By the by, James Brown was finally buried on Saturday in his daughters back yard. I'm not going to say anything about the choice of resting because I am just relieved he has finally been laid to rest some where.

Bury Your Dead

2007-03-09T10:37:00.000-08:00

In all the Anna Nicole business the nation seems to have forgotten something. It is slightly understandable since Anna has eclipsed all forms of news since her death. Now the country is a buzz with the possibility of murder in her story so I am sure we will continue to hear about every Anna moment on the news for a very long and undetermined amount of time. But as our attention has been forced on Anna there is another fallen celebrity we seem to have forgotten about. Not that I spend my time fretting over celebrities, but when they are shoved in to your face repeatedly you are often forced to notice what their most recent exploits are. The fallen and too soon forgotten celebrity however was not shoved in my face, in fact a very small news link drew my attention and forced me to follow. After reading it, and feeling rather disgusted, I must say, "Will some one please, PLEASE, bury James Brown?" I mean come on! The king of soul died on Christmas, I can honestly say that he died last year and he remains unburied. He is also facing his own babies daddy issues, a common occurrence these days bringing up the concern about why these people are role models yet again. Baby daddyness aside, can we please respect the man, his music, or just the dead itself enough to either cremate him or bury him already? So far 2007 has been a celebrity obsessed necrophiliacs dream come true.

Speaking of celebrity tripe, will some one please tell the pope to lay off Bob Dylan. The man is a world changing figure representing free thinking, activism, poetry, music, and just the possibility of the greatness of life itself. What is so wrong with that? The last pope liked Dylan, but according to the new pope the last one was wrong and Bob Dylan is a false prophet. I just want to know why the one person in contact with God, according to the Catholic faith, can not take a solid stand on one man. One very great man, at that. Surely if Dylan was a false prophet then it would have been known to the last pope. Hmmm, I think the new pope should just admit that it is he himself that can not appreciate Dylan's words, and quit sending mixed messages.

And now that I have disagreed with the pope very loudly and openly I shall call it a day.

Look The Other Way

2007-03-07T12:34:00.000-08:00

I always have intentions of fitting more then I possibly can in to a day. Or of waking up just early enough to drink my cup of coffee before I have to start my day. I think a lot of us must do this. I think not being sixteen any more has really hit home on this one. You remember what sixteen was like right? Sixteen year olds can function on zero sleep with nothing but Mountain Dew fueling their bodies. Then again sixteen also meant having my spine bent in a very uncomfortable position since my head decided it needed to be lodged up my butt! Now that I think about it I would rather have my eyes open (and in the air) then the endless energy of a teenager. I guess some things will just have to fall through the cracks and some days we will have to look the other way. Today this page has found a crack, so we turn our heads politely.

Own Up

2007-03-06T08:32:00.000-08:00

I have had enough of people not owning up to their mistakes. For example there are a couple of women that have been arrested for armed robbery, they are eighteen and there fore they are going to be prosecuted as adults. No problem in that decision in my eyes, but now their family members are stepping up and crying out that the legal adults are just really misguided little girls who are terribly sorry for their mistake. Ahem, excuse me for pointing out the obvious, but by the age of eighteen haven't most people been taught that robbing a bank is never a good idea? I know by the age of eighteen I knew very well that if I was going to rob a bank I would most likely get caught and go to jail for a very long time. As I have no desire in being turned in to anybodies bitch I have stayed on the non-bank robbing side of the law. Will someone please slap these women for thinking their mommies can save them and slap the mothers upside their heads for raising stupid children. Come on people just own up to the responsibility, you did it, you are on tape, you where caught in the get away car for the love of all things minty, just say "I was caught, I was stupid!" These women laughed on camera while pulling the job, they were having a good time with it all, and I am sure they would not have felt a single regret if they had managed to get away with it.
It's not just these two masters of crime though, every where you look our society has fallen to the 'It's not my fault' virus. If you did it then it is your fault, accept it. I don't care if you were adopted and you are angry about that you do not now or ever have the excuse to murder a homeless man! I don't care if you are a drunk, you do not have the right to steal a wedding video, it is just morally wrong! People like this will be taken to court and be prosecuted in one way or the other. They should just own up to their stupidity, their mistakes, and quit blaming the problems they have not been strong enough to deal with. We all have problems, and if killing, stealing, lying, and just acting completely morally corrupt was an acceptable way of dealing with these problems then my backyard would look like the after math of the battle at Thermopylae! That said, I move on to other news.

28 packages left China containing body parts destined for a medical research lab. The catch is that there was a problem with the delivery service and these packages have been scattered about the country. A Michigan couple received two packages they expected to contain furniture parts. They were greatly surprised to find one human liver and one human head. So, if you get any strange packages from China be warned and expect something grisly.

It is the Sig's birthday today! Happy 28th dearest.

Bringing Back Recess

2007-02-28T07:46:00.000-08:00

The little man came back from his vacation this last weekend, and needless to say life is far less interesting at home then at Disney World and Mardi Gras but we have been trying to keep it interesting. He went to Chucky Cheese with his girlfriend for her birthday, and tonight they are going to bake cookies together. Let's face it, cookie time is always a good time! He is happy to be back at school with all his little friends, and who could blame him, he is at the perfect age. That age of no homework mostly arts and crafts as school work, and nap time! He even gets to start off the morning with recess. I was thinking about this earlier, I would be happy too if I could start off everyday with 15 minutes devoted to sliding and swinging. Think about it, wouldn't we all be happier if we could just go slide or swing before we went to our respective jobs everyday? Oh, and let us not forget nap time! I've read that the Japanese trend of corporate naps is catching on in the big cities, I love this idea. There are some days that I would love to lay my head down for 30 minutes and take a little snooze. So I think we should reinstate these practices that we gave up as we grew older. I am sure we would find ourselves happier and more productive on the whole.

For all of you wondering about my absence I appreciate the concern, my root canal went alright, and I have been in vicodin land since last Thursday. I try to refrain from writing anything that will be read by others while I'm in vicodin land, it just works for the best if I stay away from others in that state.

Now on to the news...

Al Gore won a Oscar, is anyone else as amused by this as I am? He, in my opinion, was probably the best thing about the Oscars this year. Not that I am a huge Oscar fan, I find it all rather pompous, but there are fleeting moments of interest now and then. Anyone know if Reagan ever won an Oscar? I'll have to check in to that one. I want to know who was the first politician to reach Oscar status, and why more of them have not. Politicians are after all some of the best actors I have ever seen.

Anna Nicole remains unburied. I have to wonder how long people are going to be stupid regarding her death, because let's face it, this whole thing is stupid and greedy. Why is it so hard to understand that a mother would want to be buried next to her child? Any parent would if they lost there child before they themselves went. It is sad, just sad that so many people are still trying to use her even in death. Poor Anna.

The presidential hopefuls are coming out in droves and strings of lights that show bare their images have gone up on Amazon. No joke, strings of lights featuring our presidential candidates and the year with either a donkey or elephant. I ask what better why to show your political support is there then tacky lights? Oh, yeah, I know what I'm hanging on my front porch come Christmas time. Look out world, here comes my Snoopy for President porch lights!

Don't Ask Don't Tell

2007-02-21T11:38:00.000-08:00

Today's post is going to be amazingly short. Why? Because I'm not a very happy person right now. I have been infected by a bronchial something and I need a root canal. This leads to a very unhappy and very angry Wickkett. And the world trembles with the might of my toothy wrath. Actually, I think I have just lost my mind. It explains my behavior a little more.

In the news today Wyoming declared that it is taking steps to create laws making life a little harder on sexual offenders. Considering at the moment Wyoming is viewed as a sexual offender haven where they do not have to register, can live near schools and play grounds, and can even live in the same house as a minor, I am forced to wonder what has taken them so long? Sexual offenders are actually calling other sexual offenders and convincing them to move there! Are they setting up a hot line? They must be since over half of Wyoming's sexual offender population have moved there with prior records. Well Wyoming, I do hope you manage to get your whole predator problem under control. On a side note, I personally will never live in in that state.

Also, a thought to keep us all occupied: Did you know condoms are tested for our safety? More then that, you can buy the condoms that failed those tests in bulk from the condom factories. Now isn't that fun.

Teenagers and Hillbillies

2007-02-19T07:11:00.000-08:00

Ever noticed the high volume of teenagers and hillbillies in bowling alleys? I do not often have the opportunity to find myself in the bowling alley, mainly because every time I do decide to go real bowling (instead of Wii bowling) I find myself surrounded by thirteen year olds and tooth missing wonders fresh from the foothills. I think I need to stick with Wii bowling, as much fun as I find regular bowling it takes more will power then I have to be able not to kill the fifteen thirteen year olds sharing the lane adjacent to mine. I am beginning to believe that it's just me, that I have developed an intolerance to anyone from the ages 12-14 sometimes immature 15 year olds as well. I suppose I feel that since I do not have to deal with that level of selfish b.s. until little man hits that age group that I should not have it forced upon me in a public place. Let's face it, with my out spoken not so sunny attitude this means that I have a very hard time not bitch-slapping some minors and landing myself in jail for a very long time when they manage to do very stupid things. For example - If you get your bowling ball lodged in the gutter someone own up to the bowling guy instead of standing around shuffling fifteen pairs of feet and occasionally looking at I or The Sig as if we are going to do anything to about it. Do you think any of them actually went to ask the bowling guy for help? No, that would make to much sense. Bowling guy's child slave (I can only assume that is what this kid was) eventually notices the problem and strolls down the alley to fix it before returning to his slave stool. We left shortly after our last frame. I think the only thing worse then the teenagers in a bowling alley are the trailer trash rejects guzzling beer with straws stuck through gaps from their missing teeth. They hoot, they holler, they get feisty, and they drunkenly make out with their sister. They do bowl a pretty impressive game, but they are the walking reminder of why the south has a very bad reputation, and why higher education is a necessity. It will be awhile before I do any kind of bowling aside from Wii bowling!

Anyone hear about the mummy found in New York? A man was found in front of his television in his living room mummified last Thursday. He hadn't been seen since December 2005, his neighbors assumed he was in a long term care facility, no one realized he was slowly mummifying in front of his television due to the low humidity in his house. The television was still blaring when the police found him while responding to a routine broken pipe call. My comment on this is simple : Do you know of anyone other then a dead guy that could get away without paying his bills for over a year and not get cut off? Poor Lucky had to go through the cable ordeal from hell after missing one payment on accident!

Sex Sells, Even Manatee Sex

2007-02-14T11:52:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentine's Day all. Even if you have been chewed up and spit out by the razor like chompers of love then Happy Excuse To Eat Chocolate Until You Puke Day! I hope all expectations for the day are met, and if they are not, then I hope we can find a way to exact swift revenge together. Contact me for revenge ideas, I have a great one involving minnows, bologna, and a gas tank I have been itching to try out.

The Sig and I attempted to watch The Libertine last night. I say attempted because about half way through the movie the Sig wandered off to do something else with one of our friends. The acting was well done, the cinematography was not amazing but it also wasn't bad, the language was gorgeous, and all in all I would recommend it because it also had a interesting story. It was, however, the closest thing to a artistic porn I have ever seen. Do not watch it if you are feint of heart, it has some very graphic scenes, in fact it is all one long graphic scene. But if you can stand sex and giant wooden moving phallic images then the movie will be worth your time. I just want to make sure you are pre-warned.

Anyone hear about the exotic animal sex tours a number of zoos around the country are offering? That's right! Nothing says 'I Love You' more than taking your darling to watch animals have sex at the zoo. Not enough you say? Well then you are in luck! You not only get to catch a mating or two of the exotic but you will also have the opportunity to eat dinner out side of the manatee tank where an orgy could break out at any moment! After all the manatee is the hippie of the animal kingdom. Still not enough, hmm? Alright, fine then, if you're going to be a die hard romantic, you can also hear interesting facts about the length, shape, and weight of certain animal's penises, and about how they mate. There that should do it for you! Are you feeling romantic yet? Think you'll impress your date with a evening full of romantic animal sex? Yeah, I don't think I want to know the answer to that question. I will sleep better with out worrying about the rising percentage of bestiality.

Happy Love Day...don't sleep with the wild life.

Letter

2007-02-13T08:30:00.000-08:00

Dear Mr. E-Mail Guy-

Thank you for your constant presence in my life, but I am going to have to ask you if we could end this relationship. You see, it has become overly obvious that you know nothing about me! I am not obese, and so therefore I do not need weight loss drugs or surgery. Two things which you seem to think I need a lot of. I do not have horrible skin, or scarring, so I do not need the creams and free ointments you want me to except. My hair is not falling out, and I'm happy it's not. You seem to think it is how ever, and you think I need a special shampoo for this.
I do not need your pity, because I am not desperately broke (most of the time), so please keep your limited time free offers, clearance sales, and one time only deals to yourself. I also know that I may be a lucky person but I am not lucky enough to win all the free things you want to send to me.
Oh, I also do not have a small penis or need my lover to give me longer and stronger nights. With that said please keep your penis e-mails to yourself.
E-Mail guy, it has been a long relationship, and it hurts me because I never just get an e-mail wondering how my day is going or if I am doing well. Instead I have to face the fact that after all of these years you do not know me, and I have to wonder if you ever really did. I have never been the obese, acne ridden, scarred, bald, poor, sadly endowed, sexually unsatisfied, and yet extremely lucky person you seem to think I am. I'm sorry E-mail Guy, but this relationship is over. I know it's hard to except this close to Valentine's Day, but you'll move on, in fact I'm sure you already have.

P.S. - I am still waiting for the flat screen t.v. I won four months ago.

Sincerely,
Wickkett

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Valentines Day

2007-02-12T08:26:00.000-08:00

I'm having a issue with something, nothing new there, but the something has changed. I am forced to wonder if people are just being lazy or if perhaps the crummy weather has had something to do with it. I also thought it was just a local epidemic but I found out this weekend, while on vacation, that it has gone outside of the scope of my own little universe. The problem I am referring to are the lingering Christmas decorations that remain up. I know we all love that time of year, the joy that is in the air in almost palpable, children's eyes are a glow with delight. Heck, it's the closest thing to magic most of us ever know, and we want to hold on to that as long as possible, but enough is enough. I think there should be a time line on the giant Frostie's and inflatable Santa's on motorcycles, and it should end the first weekend past the New Year. Any time after that just looks lazy and more than a little tacky! I am plotting a new activity for this weekend, and I encourage all of you to join in with me. First start by drinking a lot of caffeine at about 6pm Friday, in preparation for the nights activities. Now if you are not fortunate (or unfortunate) enough to own a truck you can still participate. We can call it the great after Christmas ornament swapping weekend. Let's take the giant light up Frostie and swap him with the inflatable Santa. We can take the wreath down from our neighbor's doors and swap them with those of people across town. By Saturday I would be willing to lay money down that those people will get off their duff's and except that Christmas is over. And personally, I always find messing with people a enjoyable past time!

Unfortunate news today, the KKK is seeing it's largest surge of new members since the 1960's due to the countries immigration issues. Is it just me or did we not all decide these people were evil hate mongering quacks quite some time ago? Hate is never a good thing people, let's try to remember that.

Well...That's Happy

2007-02-09T08:58:00.000-08:00

There's just all kinds of death in the news today, some people deserve it, most do not. However, I'm sure the first death that came to mind is that of Anna Nicole Smith. Personally I don't have any strong feelings either way about the publicly acclaimed 'blond bombshell' but I have noticed a lot of very mean things flying around out there about her. Come on people, have enough respect for human life to keep your tacky comments to yourself! If you did not know the woman personally I doubt you are qualified to give any kind of opinion of her! I must say though, I do have two opinions regarding Anna Nicole; First, if you marry a very old man and you have to act as his wife for any period of time you earned the money! Second, sad, it's just sad.

Anyone else a little annoyed that they have yet to bury James Brown? A soul legend, pretty kookie, and apparently 'high on nuthin but God'. He deserves to at least be put in the ground in a timely fashion, or possibly come back as a zombie and start devouring his many children. That's right the king of soul is back, and he's bringing the pain! And all anyone could say if he did come back is that if they would have done his memory any justice than he wouldn't have been able to escape.

I had a sudden realization that I feel bad for Freddie Prince Jr., just a random thought out of the blue this morning. But I do, poor guy, he's had it kind of rough.

The Sig and I are off for a romantic get away this weekend. We are unable to bring Boo-Boo so she is a sad little puppy. She's currently being Yorkie-sat by people that will not let her sleep in their bed, and she is not happy about this. Neither am I for that matter, but what are you gonna do?

Good weekends to all!

Peanuts Unite!

2007-02-08T13:51:00.000-08:00

Top news today comes from my own little corner of the world. Last night during Lost the local news ran one of it's many commercial spots for the ten o'clock news. We've all seen the promos for the news, and if any of you out there are like me then you read enough news during the day to make you detest the local news at night. Close minded you might think, but I look at it as the only thing standing between myself and a twelve gauge on most days. Let's face it if I had to hear about all the bull carried out in my immediate location there would be far more acts of vigilante justice then the government would be able to smile on. Anyway, a promo pops up and the lead story...peanuts are being banned from one local school due to six kids having an allergy. Six, and this is not a small school. So now there are signs posted all over the school proclaiming the school to be nut free! Large posters of peanuts with slashes through them, and parents talking about how much better they feel knowing their children are now safe from peanuts. I love the ridiculousness of this, I really hope you all know how much I love this. The Sig and I laughed ourselves silly.

Peanut banning aside, I read a horrible news piece this morning about a school that covered up the molestation of a six year old resulting in four other six year olds being molested. Horrible as the story itself is, the school is fighting allegations that protecting the children was their responsibility. I can not even begin to express to you how disgusting I find these people.

Where is that fine line? The one between ridiculousness and criminal? I always thought the line was painted in bright red and five miles wide but the more I hear and read these days about the happenings of our world I am seriously beginning to question if the line has faded or if all the people in positions of educational power have lost their ever loving senses!

Rest assured your child will not be exposed to peanut butter, but they might get fondled in a bathroom. How's that for higher education?

Harry, Oh Harry

2007-02-07T13:39:00.000-08:00

The news was pretty happy today. Lots of pedophiles getting caught all over the world. Let's give it up to the Austrian police for busting a child pornography ring and catching almost 3,000 of the members all over the world. Hopefully that means that a lot of children will be spared their abusive company. Personally, I think we should bring back cutting things off as a legal punishment. What do you want to bet we would see sexual crimes drop drastically? Cut a few people's junk off and suddenly the risk isn't really worth it any more. And if that is what happens on the first offense think about the penalty for a repeat offender. I'm sure most of you think this is approach is too harsh, which is just testimony as to why I will never hold any form of office. I'm too mean, too tough, people would attempt to assassinate me, and amazingly enough I would not back down. I wouldn't back down because I truly feel that anyone who inflicts horror upon another should learn true horror in return. Perhaps if we make them suffer, instead of locking them away some place that is climate controlled and supplied with cable they will be less inclined to repeat their mistake. Campaign slogan - Wickkett for president, lower crime OR ELSE!

The Sig and I sunk to a whole new level of geekiness last night while at Barnes and Noble. (One of the best stores in the world!) When we entered there was a very large eye catching sign that told us we could reserve our copy of the newest, and sadly the last, Harry Potter book. I'm sure dear readers almost all of you have read about Harry's great adventures, the statistics are on my side on this one. I'm also sure that if you have read the other six books then you are either excited about a possible pre-order or you just sat up a little straighter in you chair and I have your full attention. That's right the new Harry Potter, and the release date has been pushed back to July 21st. Pretty messed up, but at least it will be here this year! The Sig and I managed to corner a book jockey while we were there how ever, and accost her for information. Poor girl. I told the Sig that we are are sinking to a nerdy new low. We demand nerdy information and if you do not give it to us we will make fun of you in ways you do not understand until you cry with confusion!

Anyone else making it through the week on the comforting fact that a new season of Lost starts tonight? I don't consider this a low, no, I consider this one of my many addictions. I'm a functioning addict, we'll be alright until that changes.

Crazy Birds

2007-02-05T12:02:00.000-08:00

This weekend we took a long drive to Memphis to meet my mother-in-law half way in a little man exchange. He's going with her to Disney World. Lucky little devil. That is all I am going to say about the trip, it was very eventful, as any trip would be when I'm behind the wheel for an incredibly long period of time. However, I can not bring my self to re-live it again.

Top news for me is just a few bits of fun! First and foremost, the eagles have lost their minds! Anyone else noticed the increase of insanity in our feathered friends? Let me explain...

Juneau, Alaska saw a very greedy eagle cause a power outage for 45 minutes! He was carrying a deer head and it weighed him down to the point that he could not clear some power lines. Anyone else feel like this bird kind of had it coming? I mean come on, I could not even eat an entire deer head. What I feel like happened was a gluttonous bird took out power in a place that is so remote that power outage by large endangered bird is even a option. Alaska- beautiful, slight possibility of power loss by bird.

The second crazy bird story for today comes from Australia where a pair of eagles decided to single handidly take back the sky's. Unfortunately for one para glider she was the target of the attack. I know that if I was in any situation where I was thousands of feet in the air and I was attacked by anything I would wet 'um. I encourage you all to go to Reuters and read about it! And let's give it up for the lady who survived this treacherous attacks!

And that's it for the day readers.

The World Says, "F_ck Wickkett!"

2007-02-02T12:39:00.000-08:00

I know I have been absent for several days dear readers, and I no one is sorrier for this absence then I. Let me start with a rundown of Wednesday for you.

Wednesday

5:00 am- The alarm clock goes off alerting me to the new day and the need to drag my carcass out of bed and find the energy to go to the gym.
5:10 am- I collapse in bed clutching my head in pain trying to fight the wave of nausea that has swept through my body. With the sickening realization that there will be no gym the alarm clock is reset and I try to sleep away a migraine before I have to go to work.
6:10 am- I manage to get up, my head still hurts but it is tolerable. I hop in the shower and go about my daily routine.
6:30 am- I run out of coffee, and the world screams a collective exclamation of horror.
7:00 am- I go out to my car to find it unexpectedly frozen over. The defrosting time makes it so I will no longer be as early as I would like.
7:15 am- A jack on the road swerves around me running a red honks his horn and flips me off in what I can only assume is a attempt to win the worlds biggest as_hole award. He almost causes a wreck and I still end up directly behind him.
7:20 am- I follow the jack that almost caused a wreck for 10 blocks causing him to look back over his shoulder extremely nervous many times.
7:30 am- A huge pillar of black smoke and many rescue personnel alert me to a very large church burning to the ground.
7:32 am- People try to block me from merging on to the freeway. They do not win. (Nor will they ever)
7:32 1/2 am- I glance over and see a massacred cow in a field.
7:33 am- I am stuck behind a cop that insists on going ten miles under the speed limit, probably just to see if anyone has the gall to pass him.
7:35 am- I have the gall.
7:47 am- A co-worker calls in at the last minute and I now have to cover for them. Which means I get to do the most boring task in the coldest part of the building. This would be a little more understandable if this person did not call in at the last minute every other day, and call in to me. I am not the one to call in to I could give a sh_t less!
8:00 am- I have to break the news to my boss that so-and-so will not be in yet again.
9:30 am- It starts to snow.
10:00 am- It is snowing a lot!
10:40 am- Employees start to run for it.
12:30 pm- My relief comes in and I leave to go and pick up little man before it's too late.
12:45 pm- The Sig looses control on a patch of ice and jacks up the Honda's tire and rim. Fortunately it was no worse.
2:00 pm- I am almost to little man's school. The roads were so bad it took that long!
2:40 pm- Little man and I make it to the grocery store after loosing control of the Dodge in several scary places. If I did not know how to drive in this weather we would have been toast on a specific hill.
3:30 pm- We make it home just as the Sig and Boo Boo are getting ready to come and search for us.
4:00 pm- It's snowing harder.
5:00 pm- I think about the sick time being stolen from my pay check, yet again, as we play Wii Sports and watch the snow fall even harder.
5:45 pm- I make a quiche for dinner.
6:00 pm- I exercise in the house and pull a hamstring.
7:20 pm- The dog disappears in a snowy yard at which point I dive in and rescue her. We both end up cold and wet.
7:30 pm- I except the fact that I will most likely not be able to make it to work in the morning, considering it is STILL snowing...hard.
8:00 pm- The Sig lights the fire, we bathe the boy, and put him to bed.
8:10 pm- Video games, and eventually bed.

I get the feeling I should have just stayed in bed to begin with.

Yesterday little man's school was closed so I stayed home. At least it wasn't as bad as Wednesday!

Enemy Union

2007-01-30T09:10:00.000-08:00

I came very close to uniting with the guy in the black truck this morning to take out a mutual enemy in the continual road war I fight every day. A woman managed to cut both of us off this morning and for a split second, we glanced at each other through our windows, both of us had our faces contorted in annoyance, and then we started laughing. War I tell you. He zoomed off and the two of them played a very dangerous game of cat and mouse while I stayed far enough behind to feel reasonably safe. I did however consider speeding up to help the notorious guy in the black truck block her in. I'm proud of myself that I refrained from doing so.

I'm starving today. I don't know why but I have this amazing unsatisfiable hunger going on. I hate that. I know that this isn't a subject that anyone really cares about aside from myself, but you're going to read about it any way. Why? Because I'm the one typing.

Today the highlights of my news reading morning come down to three stories.

1. Child molester gets life in prison. Check the story out on MSN news, this guy deserves to be in prison and raped nightly until the day he dies. Sicko, I'm thrilled that he will no longer be a loose predator.

2. Purse snatching in church thwarted. Who goes around snatching purses in church? That's just wrong. Don't steal, period, let alone from any kind of gathering where people are worshipping what ever they believe in spiritually. Mainly because if you get caught those people will feel the right to act as the hand of what ever deity they believe in and smote your ass. In this case two men tried to make off with plastic bags of purses, and the elderly rose up and beat the tar out of them. Good for the seniors! Beat them down!

3. Mountain lion attack victim is now in critical condition. A California, bay area, hiker was attacked by a female mountain lion last week. The gentleman is in his seventies, and has a very dedicated lovely wife pictured at his side. Over the weekend his condition worsened and he is now in critical care. Everyone who has ever lived in California knows about the mountain lions, when I was little we had one that romped around in our field, but it is easy to forget. It is a grisly reminder of how low on the totem poll we really are. I hope for the best for this gentleman and his family. It's sad news. Hopefully his deity is with him.

Addict

2007-01-29T13:31:00.000-08:00

I have several serious addictions. Nothing like black tar heroine, but addictions still. For example if I don't have some form of coffee in the morning lord help anyone that comes in contact with me. As with all addictions the coffee thing started off innocently enough, a cup here, a cup there, but then something happened. I started working mornings in a coffee shop. It went down hill from there. Fast forward a handful of years and you what do you get? A serious problem. Let me run you through a few of the changes.
1. 9 years ago- I would drink any kind of coffee.
Today- I have to have a specialty coffee shipped to my house, express mail, and vacuum sealed for the perfect taste.
2. 9 years ago- I didn't give a thought to the bean coming to me pre-ground.
Today- I actually caught myself scoffing at pre-ground coffee the other day. It's whole beans or nothing!
3. 9 years ago- I would pour some tap water in to the pot and roll with it.
Today- If it doesn't come out of a bottle it doesn't become my coffee.
4. 9 years ago- I had a tiny, sad, cheap coffee maker.
Today- I have a coffee maker that has the IQ of most accountants. Then there are the coffee makers counter parts, the grinder, and the espresso maker.
5. 9 years ago- I kept my coffee in a tin can.
Today- Seriously, vacuum sealed.
All I can say in defense to this addiction is that it could be, and probably will be, worse. I guess the first step to finding help is admitting you have a problem. I wonder if they have meetings for people like me, and if they do what kind of coffee they serve.

Another addiction that at times can be pricey is my constant reading problem. If I don't have a book to read then there is a problem with the world. As a result of this addiction I am waiting on the next book in three different series, had the images of several childhood idols destroyed, and no longer have room left in several closets due to books, I am also currently upset at four authors I have never met (two of which I adore). This is a problem.

I have other addictions, all of which I manage to control fairly well. The video game addiction might very soon become a problem. Since the Wii is just so cool, and there are a few games I think I might need. Notice the use of the word need, yeah so did I. Next week I'm sure I will be writing this from a padded cell far away from any access to my bank account, and you know, as long as they let me have my coffee and a book I'll probably be alright with it.

Lucky and Indonesia

2007-01-25T07:15:00.000-08:00

Announcement: I finally got my Wii! That's right! And it is everything I wanted it to be and more. Pure bliss, baby. To all of you still waiting, you have my sympathy, I know how it feels.

My sister has the strangest luck of anyone I have ever known, so in reference to her from now on I will simply call her Lucky. Today I bring you a story from Lucky's life, to amuse and to remind us all that even the simplest task can take a very strange turn when we least expect it.
Enjoy...

Lucky's boyfriend forgot to send off the cable bill and as a result their cable was cut off. Funny term cut off, when it is said it conjures images of a blank screen or a lack of a dial tone, perhaps a inability to read a blog, but it rarely brings to mind a cut cable. Literally they came out to her house and cut her cable. Now if Lucky had failed to pay her cable before I might be a little more understanding of this behavior but as she had not I was just as amazed as she. By the way, when have any of you actually heard of the cable company cutting the line? Sounds like the beginning of a bad joke, right? Well, it gets stranger. Lucky does what I'm sure any of us would do and calls them. The woman who answers the customer service line not only speaks very little English, but she also has such a thick and strange accent that after a few minutes of pure confusion Lucky gives up determined to call back later. Eventually later arrives, her customer service representative on the line on this attempt also has a very thick accent but he at least speaks a little more English. Finally, Lucky asks very annoyed, "Where is it my call is going to exactly?" She glances down at the newspaper on her table while waiting for a reply. The headline on the front page 'Earthquake in Indonesia Kills Four'. The customer service reps response, "Indonesia."

Naturally.

Lucky realizing that these people are most likely more concerned with fresh drinking water, and housing, then her cable tries to contact someone else. This turned in to a strange little excursion all it's own which landed her on the phone with a commercial operator for the cable company, by this time Lucky had lost her patience, and when the gentleman suggested calling the customer representatives she lost her temper.

Lucky- "Do you know where the calls go when you call the customer help line?"
Guy- "Uh, no ma'am."
Lucky- "I thought they would go to some where at least in California, but no! You know where they go? They go to Indonesia!"
Guy- "Indonesia?"
Lucky- "Yeah, that's right, Indonesia! They just had an earthquake in Indonesia that killed four, I don't think they care about my cable right now!!! They're worried about their drinking water!"
Guy- "Ma'am I'm sorry but I can't help you."
Lucky- "Of course!"

After that happy conversation she takes the time to drive down to the cable companies office. Things would have probably gone a whole lot smoother if the woman in front of her had her cable cut off, considering she was months over due and Lucky had just forgotten to send in one payment. Well, by the time she actually reached a person she was ready to throttle him. He raised a eyebrow at her as she went through the whole story, cut cable, forgotten bill, Indonesia, earthquake, drinking water, etc. She paid her bill in full, as was her original intention, but when ever the guy tried to ask her a question she would just respond with, "INDONESIA!" Hehe, her cable gets reconnected tomorrow.

For the rest of us...I know I will not forget to pay a bill for a long time.

Rinse, Recycle, Repeat

2007-01-23T08:47:00.000-08:00

Those recycling whacks are giving me the run around. Oh, I did not forget about them, fear not, I just have not been fortunate enough to get anywhere. They keep re-directing me. I'm fairly convinced they have a plan in action to redirect the public until the public gives up. Meanwhile, stubborn as I am, I refuse to give up. Yesterday while stuck in traffic behind one of the recycling trucks I actually saw the recycling whacks climb out of the truck open a bin, tear open a bag, and then throw it as hard as humanly possible across the bin owner's lawn. I then saw jaws drop from others stuck in traffic around me. The recycling nutt did this to every bag in the bin. I probably would have jumped out of my car and done something but I was in a hurry to get to work. However, watching the whack job do exactly what I knew they were doing just encouraged me to get in touch with some official in the department. Crazy...

In other news, did everyone hear about the Tijuana police getting their guns taken away from them? Instead they now have slingshots. I'm not entirely sure what to think about this, but no matter what I find the image of a bunch of cops surrounding a suspect slingshots raised, shouting 'Stop or we'll shoot!' Hilarious!

There is also the news of the very fortunate man who survived being swallowed by a great white in Australia. He was out diving with his son, and some friends when a ten foot great white attacked. The gentleman is doing well, and I encourage you all to read his full story on Reuters. Poor guy, I think I would be in a padded cell for a long time if I was swallowed by anything!

The last bit of news that made me roar this morning was about a nutt in a country I can't pronounce (or probably spell) landing in jail for parrot smuggling. He was caught transporting 500 of these colorful birds across the boarder in...get this...an Audi! Police are still trying to figure this one out.

I'm disturbed to note that a new serial killer has been caught in Canada. Who knows how close this sicko came to getting away with killing forty-nine women. He told an undercover cop that he was going to retire after making it an even fifty. I doubt a sicko like that would ever have retired, but all of these facts are not what disturbed me the most. What really bothered me was that the news did not surprise me. What kind of world do we live in when forty-nine grisly deaths do not surprise the masses? Or am I alone in my expectation of the worst possible from the news each morning? I doubt I am, and if I am wrong, well the cheese stands alone and I've never heard it complain.

Mad As A Rabbit

2007-01-18T13:35:00.000-08:00

I called little man's school earlier to find out how he was, since he's still ill, and I got this snotty (unknown to me) little b!tch on the line. Normally when I identify myself, tell them who my child is and why I am calling his teacher is put on the line. However this was not the case a few minutes ago. The woman not only had nothing to do with his class but she did not even check on him, and then dawned the attitude of someone that was coping with a very rude, disgusting, and out of line person. Now, normally I would not give two sh!ts that some little snot was giving me attitude, however when my child is involved it is a different story. I was, and still am, so mad I'm shaking. The little b!tch is lucky I don't drive over there and beat the holy he!! out of her snotty a$$! Instead I'm letting the Sig deal with it. I really don't want to end up in jail this year.

Speaking of BS- Anyone hear about the mother that killed her kids in San Francisco? Crazy, apparently literally, at least that was the ruling. Alright, so she's crazy, so what? She still murdered her kids, can we please do something about this?

More BS- How about the Feds raiding that medical marijuana clinic in Los Angeles? Medical marijuana is legal according to the state law, but since it's illegal federally sick people are still going to suffer. Not to mention clinic workers who are just doing their jobs as state licensed medical providers are going to end up going to jail, having their licenses revoked, and end up having their lives destroyed as labeled drug dealers. Ah, we are a country of hypocrisy.

On the Plus- The kidnapped boy in Missouri was found, along with another boy that has been missing for four years. I can not imagine the relief their families must feel, and I only hope for the fastest recovery for both boys. After all there are going to be some deep hurt there for a long time. I also hope the sick f@#k that was holding them prisoner suffers long and hard.

With this very angry post you might all be thinking that I'm acting a bit too harshly. Some of you might be thinking 'Wickkett, calm down!' My defense, imagine yourself in the position of the victim or even worse, in the position of the victims parents. Then I'm sure things would be a tad different.

Infecting the World

2007-01-17T09:32:00.000-08:00

Little man has been battling a raging infection for almost a week now. He got sick on Friday, the Sig stayed at home with him and kept pumping meds in to him until his fever broke. The only problem is his fever never broke. The doctor's office was closed on the weekend, and by Monday I was really worried. Little man went in to the doctors office at the first available time on Monday to find out he had a quadruple infection. Poor kid, no wonder he was up crying every night! I would be too! His fever finally broke yesterday, and he is on four different kinds of medicine one for each infected area I suppose. Today is his first day back at school and my first day back at work. I've had very little sleep since Thursday night, so hand in there, I'm sure I'm not the most coherent.

Why is it doctors offices are closed on weekends? This seems pretty selfish to me. I know that there are clinics open on weekends, but personally I don't want to go to some strange clinic when I'm sick, I want to go to my family doctor. You know, some one I know and trust, not a stranger. But for this trust I have to take the time off of work (when I could have suffered through the week behind my desk and been paid for it) lose that money, and then pay whatever the co-pay is, and then I have to pay what ever price there is for the medicine, and all the while I'm thinking to myself that I could be using this time to make money. What a inconvenience it is to be sick, the least the doctors could do is make getting well more convenient! If I could have taken little man to the doctor on the weekend his infection wouldn't have been so bad, instead, well, instead I get saddled with a huge bill a very sick child, and I have to miss two days of work. On the plus side, I read two and a half books. Reading time is always fun time.

Anyone read the news article about the whack job in Newark that raped a pit bull pup? Sicko! They are offering a $5,000.00 award for his capture. Please go to Fox News and read the details. People like this need to go to jail where they will experience what it feels like to have that crime done to them. Poor dog.

And still, no signs of Wii. Sad.

Do You Even Have A License?

2007-01-12T08:53:00.000-08:00

I was run off the road today for the third time this week. I'm beginning to believe that they don't really have drivers tests around here, instead they mail you a license on your 16th birthday, or when your feet touch the pedals, what ever comes first. There are so many people out there that are very lucky that I don't carry a gun with me, or drive a monster truck. I would be in jail.
With the drivers and the freezing rain I wonder why I still live in this state. I wonder that a lot.

Last year at this time I realized I was fat. Seriously, I had no idea, then one day the Sig told me, "Honey, you're over weight." Talk about a wake up call. I use to be a model, how could I be so unaware of my appearance? Well, needless to say I hit the gym like I dream of hitting the notorious guy in the black truck. Over the past year I've lost over fifty pounds, and I'm no longer fat, I am however still not back down to my modeling weight. That is my biggest goal. So I still go to the gym almost every day, I eat like a bunny, and I do more sit-ups in one week then most people do in a lifetime, and starting Saturday I will even have my own personal trainer. Shallow you say...ah...no, not so much. I'm doing this for myself. I'm happy with myself on all levels except for that one, and I intend to be completely happy with the person I am. So now that the long set up is out of the way. I've noticed a few things over the past year about the gym:

1. We Are NOT In The 80's! - The 80's scene found it perfectly acceptable to pick woman and men at the gym, twenty years later and it's not. If I wanted someone to hit on me I would go to a bar. But if you don't see a drink on my hand it's wise to leave me alone. Also the ring on the finger does not mean you have the right to ask me if my marriage is a happy one. In fact talking to me at all when I'm at the gym is dangerous at best.
2. Do You Have A Mirror? - I am no one to comment on the way a person looks - ever - but at my most bulky there were a whole slew of things I would not wear. For that matter there are things I would not wear at my thinest! I applaud anyone brave enough to make those courageous leaps at the fashionable glory. But please try to avoid any thong combination outside of a pair of leotards, especially if that thong is going to be doing any kind of disappearing act on the machine in front of me.
3. Clear The Machines - I hate it that no one ever resets the ellipticals. It's just a pet peeve of mine, kind of like really pointy shoes, or William Shatner.
4. Do You See The Book? - Seriously, I do not like to be talked to while I'm working out. Unless I know the person, and even then it's rare. I am not trying to be mean, I'm just not that talkative when I'm dripping with sweat. I always have a book, my i-pod, or my DS with me. It is pretty obvious I am other wise preoccupied, so it would be best if I was just left alone. Some one climbing on a machine next to me trying to strike up a conversation usually ends up feeling rather awkward. Don't get me wrong, I'm not mean or rude, I'm just not particularly inclined to talk. I would just like to be left alone with my sweat and distractions.
5. Good For you! - There has been a large jump in the number of people at the gym lately, and I think that is pretty fantabulous! As annoying as it is to fight for a parking spot (even at 5am) I'm happy to see my fellow human beings taking the initiative to be healthier. Yay for you! Way to go! Let's eat a pizza to celebrate! -Please-

Techno Breakdown

2007-01-10T09:30:00.000-08:00

I am aware it has been a week since my last post. I have been having technological difficulties here at work all week. I'm sure since all of you are at least slightly familiar with computer you know exactly how I feel. Anyway, on to the observations of the past week.

1. More Anger On The Road- Alright, we all know I'm a very angry person. When I climb in to a car and I'm surrounded by people who obviously bribed the DMV to get their licenses I get very frustrated. Considering the 45 minute drive I have every morning, well let's just say that I take all my frustrations out at the gym. I spend a decent time at the gym. I do this instead of buying a gun and taking that guy in the black truck out. I burn off the aggression on an elliptical instead of ending up a case on the evening news. I'm beginning to notice that others need to find some kind of outlet as well. Last night I think two guys behind me (one of them the guy in the black truck) were about to get violent. Fortunately for the guy in the black truck he got away, unfortunately he chose to do so by cutting me off...again. Man, I hate that guy.

2. Loss Of Identity- I am the product of America. My ancestors immigrated here, and not all that long ago. I am half Mexican, and I'm proud of that, but I was born American and will always feel the strong American ties even if I move to another country. I do how ever realize that if I move to another country (unless I'm fleeing something) it would be wise to speak the native language, know how to use the currency, apply for citizenship, learn the laws, fly that countries flag, and get a license before I climb behind the wheel. I do not expect that country to cater to me in any way, why should I? If they did then their country would no longer be their own. I respect all nationalities, religions, and races. I am fascinated with other cultures. I believe all people should be respected, and be given all the freedoms our country has to offer, but in return I ask for a few things. As a country I believe we should all ask for these things.

-Speak our language; don't expect us to change our countries language because you refuse to change. I get behind anyone who is bi-lingual, what a wonderful thing! Learn as many languages as you possibly can! It is a wonderful skill for traveling and for the odd occurrence when a chance traveler does not speak English. It should NOT be a job requirement.
-I get that you are very proud of your country but if I see another flag painted on a car, truck, window, door, or gravestone I may wretch. I'm proud of my heritage, but you don't see any of those flags on my car, why...because I live here. Plus, flags on cars are just kind of tacky. That goes for the confederate flag too people! You lost the war, get over it!
-Don't expect us to use anything but our own currency! There is a pizza place in Dallas that is now accepting Mexican currency. Seriously I read an article about it yesterday. I'm more upset about this than I thought I ever would be.

Bottom line either we keep our own culture or we lose it, and right now we're letting it slip away. We try to respect everyone's culture, and that is great, but we need to remember to respect our own as well. We are a country made of immigrants, we are filled with diversity, and this is one of our strongest points. We can keep that diversity with out losing ourselves in the process. Don't be so afraid of offending others that you one day wake up and realize that you are offending yourself by not standing up for yourself and your country.

3. Illness- There have been (I feel) a very unusually large number of people getting sick. These people have been not only falling victim to this junk that's going around, but they are staying sick. Throw in the birds falling dead out of the sky in Texas, and the strange smell in New Jersey and New York, interesting thoughts start popping up. Then we add the war to the cocktail, throw in a dash of global stupidity, and then a splash of chaotic weather breaking out everywhere and we've got one funky scary combination. My prediction...expect to see the guys standing on the corners of busy streets with the large card board signs talking about the end of the world any day now. And when you see these crazies that envision themselves as modern prophets (and who knows they might be) take the opportunity to do something nice for someone else. Buy them a cup of coffee and take it to them, after all, that shouting about the end of the world is tired thirsty work.

4. No Wii- I know I've posted on this before, but come on! WTF?

5. Language News- I've read quite a few articles about what words should no longer be used, and what words should be used more. Most of these I can get behind. However there is one I strongly disagree with. It has been written that 'awesome' should no longer be allowed into daily conversation because it has diminished in value, and rarely means what it is actually defined as. I say SCREW THAT! Let's redefine and force it into the daily vocabulary of everyone from priests to surfers. Personally I think that would be awesome!

Celeb Degen

2007-01-03T11:10:00.000-08:00

Has anyone else noticed the decline in sanity with our celebrities? Better question, has anyone not noticed the decline in sanity of the freak show that we have turned into American royalty? What happened to the class acts that used their money on the press to cover up the stupidity in their lives so they at least appeared perfect? Remember the great dames and gentleman of the silver screen, back when it was still silver. Joan Crawford, Ava Gardener, Gretta Garbo, Sinatra, Clark Gable, or Bogey, what happened to stars of the past. We didn't find out about their insane actions, or incidents until much later. No, I'm not telling Hollywood to cover up the indiscretions and insanity that seems to have become the standard, don't assume that. I am telling the reporters out there, the trash mag editors, and all paparazzi, to focus on the more positive influences on the circuit. We really don't need to hear about who is slutting around with who for the fifteenth time this week, and I know personally I have no desire to hear about Britney Spears underwear...ever. I think of reading magazines, and entertainment sections of the news as the closest thing to watching a train wreck or a public execution that our society can provide. The only problem with the morbid fascination we adults show to provide these nut jobs with celebrity is the affect it is having on our younger generation. When was the last time you heard some random young girl talk about her idolization of Britney, Paris, or Lindsey? I'm going to bet it wasn't long enough. Yay, let's encourage our kids to idolize the trashiest people possible! Let's tell them, obviously since these celebrities have won the ultimate popularity contest (and we know that's what kids want) just act like a complete mook and it could happen to you too! Just look at K-Fed. I shouldn't be so hard on ol' Fed-ex, at least he's taken some of the heat off of Vanilla Ice.
I went out with a friend last night, you know because I'm smart and I knew that going out and staying up late was the best way to fight this tenacious bronchitis. We went out to this little coffee house / bar that is one of my favorite bars, and definitely my favorite coffee house in town. It was a nice little outing filled with chocolate coco with raspberries for me, and a very hard drink for her. We then stopped off to pick up her husband and head back to my house where the Sig kiddie sat ever so patiently awaiting our return. Which was a very nice thing to do (ahem). It was when we got home that I really slipped up. I decided to take some NyQuil, you know because that's what you do when you're sick, but I didn't take the fact that it was a larger bottle with a larger cap in mind. I wasn't really firing on all cylinders yesterday. That said, I filled the cap all the way to the top and tossed it back before I thought twice about it, and then I promptly realized I took a double dose. The night ended right there. I fell asleep very shortly there after and I have been asleep at work all day. Ever have a day that you don't realize you have your underwear on backwards until the day is almost over. That's the day I'm having today my dearest readers. So sympathize and be amazed I found my way to my desk!

New Year Same People

2007-01-02T12:11:00.000-08:00

Some people start off the new year with hope, looking forward to a year they hope and pray will be better then the previous year, I am not one of those people. You might wonder, 'Why, Wickket, why?' My answer, dear readers is simple, you have to be born like that, not a cynical realist like I was. Really, the only thrill New Year's Eve ever held for me was staying up past my bed time when I was a tot. Other then that, I can drink any time I want to, and I rarely ever want to drink, and I realize that a new year does not mean everything will change. Everything could change, but a new year has nothing to do with it, it has to do with the people that make the changes. Yes, something might happen this year to move our world leaders to sanity, but let's face it, that's highly unlikely. Even more unlikely, that guy that thinks he's hilarious (you know that guy, he thinks he's friggin' Eddie Izzard) will take a clue and shut up. Point being, human nature is not easily turned or swayed so why look to some new year with the blind hope of the ignorant unless you intend to do something about it yourself? Write that letter, or email your state or city official like you keep threatening to do. Let us all raise our voices in unison and cry out "No!" Let's cry out against the injustice, poverty, hypocrisy, and evil that has such a firm hold on our world. Let us all remind that evil that good will always be stronger when we are united. Let us not be blinded with ignorance or false hope putting faith in fate to make changes for our future while we sit back and do nothing but hope. If you want the world to change then lets change it, but if you just want to ask what I think 2007 will hold, or if I think it will be a better year then prepare yourself for a dose of reality because I'm not pulling any punches. Read the news, it's not any better for 2007 then it was for 2006, chalk full of people doing stupid and cruel things. As for this little black duck, I intend to find out why the recycling people in our city refuse to take our recycling, it's not like I did something to them. We want to help the earth too! (Actually they do this to everyone in town) Yet, they just scatter our recycling all over our yard, leaving us to pick it up and throw it away. No one on our street even bothers anymore, and that makes me a sad panda.
I'm still battling the dreaded bronchitis, but I'm winning so that's a plus. Still, being sick for so long and during the holidays has me really angry. Big surprise. New Year's was rung in with the Sig and I both ill and playing a video game. If that is a sign of things to come then I'm not sure what to think about the new year. Yesterday was the first time I even left the house over the three day break, the rest of my time was spent on our couch. But I couldn't take it anymore by the time the afternoon rolled around yesterday so we went out to watch Happy Feet, and do a little shopping. Happy Feet is a surprise, it is a all around wonderful movie. The characters are interesting, the music is fantastic, the story is touching, it is visually beautiful, and it has Robin Williams in it. What more could you ask for in a family flick? If you get the opportunity check it out. After the movie we went shopping at Bed, Bath, & Beyond one of my favorite places to shop. You have to love a store that you can buy both the sharpest and the softest thing in your house at! We bought a new set of silverware, and some new steak knives, then we had to get a new silverware rack, and of course a new banana hammock. We went in there to buy new silverware, but then we had to walk back through the store and check out. It never ceases to amaze me how that store can make me feel so good about spending far too much money. After the delayed BB&B experience we had to stop at Petsmart and pick up a new fish for the tank. We bought a little orange guy that will school with my Tiger Barb. All in all for being sick it was a pretty active day! Especially since we also decided to tear down Christmas, and do some serious house cleaning as well.
Tomorrow...I'm going to start trying to figure out what is going on with our recycling department.

I'd Be Happier With Gills

2006-12-29T08:03:00.000-08:00

I'm hacking myself to death in my office today. Bronchitis, and pleurisy, and it sucks. This bout of horrible lung junk comes directly after I made a comment over how happy I was about making it through 2006 with out a case of either. Brightest bulb in the box, tempting the fates like that! So I hack, and I curse a bit, then I hack some more.
My observation today is about the Wii. Now may I ask the biggest question, that I'm sure all gamers on the hunt for a Wii are asking, why does the all mighty video game god hate me? It must be hate that has caused this mass shortage of the Wii. I have sacrificed many hours at his temple of Grand Theft Auto, Kingdom Hearts 2, Fable, and Katamari this year, were they not enough? Oh, Lyle god of video games, why hast thou forsaken us? The loyal and true gamers! Why? WHY??? Seriously though, this is ridiculous. Anyone looking for a Wii right now can tell you that they are only available on auction sites, being sold by greedy heartless people for double the original price. And why are they being sold for that price? Because people are not patient enough to wait for the systems to actually find their ways into the stores. Come on people, Nintendo is all about the money, they are not just going to stop making them, and then point and laugh at those of us who have yet to acquire one. Calm yourselves, be patient! Hold off from making that $600 Wii bid, force the prices to go down on those auction sites. Only in our age do we find ways to cater to impatience and throw our money away at the same time. It's insanity I tell you! And it must stop! That said...I shall move on.
The New Year is right around the corner and I find myself thinking about all the good things that have taken place this year. I make two lists, one for good, and one for bad, usually the good list is much longer then the bad. This year the good is much longer. I'm going to list a few of my good things for you. This is after all the last you will hear from me until 2007 and I feel we should close this year on a positive note, so dear readers, rejoice life is pretty alright.
1. My family. -They are pretty awesome and I am thankful that I have them all in my life, even if they are crazy.
2.I was there! -We lost a friend this year very suddenly, and we all morned, but I am thankful that I am able to say I knew him if even for a little while.
3.My Job. -I recently left my former company's employee (I was skipping out the door) and bravely walked in to a new position at a new company. I was terrified and excited to take the chance, and it payed off in a big way.
4.Good friends. -I had a big year in the 'finding out who your true friends are' department. I found out alright, and as surprising and painful as it might have been, I'm glad to know. The whole experience made me realize that I have more 'good friends' then I thought and a few people that called themselves friends that really were not.
5.Weight Loss. -It's pretty self explanatory.

The list goes on, but you're just going to get the top five, and my New Year's resolution.

-I will try to laugh more, and yell less, and I will try to have more patience with stupid people.-
See you in 2007!

Stop The Bells!

2006-12-28T11:59:00.000-08:00

Little man and I were in the parking lot of a very busy store and he managed to pull off quite a trick. He embarrassed me. Embarrassed me to the point that I actually turned red. Let me do a little bit of back ground set up here before I actually go into it. Santa put a much desired antenna topper in my stocking, Guido from the movie Cars. Guido is the little blue fork lift that pulls off a very fast pit stop, he is also my favorite character in the movie. So naturally the topper went on almost immediately. I was, and honestly still am, amused at the little blue guy flying down the road on my antenna. So now you know what Guido is, let me move on with my set up. It was a very busy store and a very large parking lot, and my car is a typical make and model and it's white too boot, so it blends in. In other words...I lose my car in parking lots. Another reason I like Guido. Last part of the set up, I am not a racist person in any way shape or form. I am the result of world trading, and in general I just don't understand treating one person better or worse than any other because of something like race. I say go off of intelligence, or something more practical. Now just remember the set up.
Little man and I were walking through the very busy parking lot looking for my car. I think, brilliantly, to tell the 4 year old to look for the Guido antenna topper. What I don't think about is how he will react when he finds it, screaming with joy "Guido, Guido, I see Guido!" In this insane little high pitched chant that directly brings everyone within a five mile radius to stare at us. But no, that's not bad, what is bad is that he's pointing toward the car. People don't see him pointing at the car or the car topper, they see him pointing at the gentleman walking near my car of very obvious Italian decent. People were stopping in their places to comment about the racist little boy and how terrible it is that he could be raised like that. To make it worse the gentleman walking near my car had stopped and stood agape. As we approached him I could see he was getting ready to say something, but I quickly told my little man, "That's right honey, that's our Guido car antenna topper!" I saw the look of understanding cross the mans face as we proceeded to climb into the car, and I heard him chuckle. So folks, yuck it up at my expense, we all need to remember that things aren't nearly as serious as we take them sometimes. Ah, to have the innocence of a child again.

Are You Kidding?!?!?!

2006-12-27T14:01:00.000-08:00

When did people forget that coming to work was not an option, especially if you want to keep your job? And when exactly did my job decide that it was alright for said people to not come in to work, a shtoop me by throwing the stupid hours they were suppose to work on me. Going to the doctor my ass. I hate it when one person does something like this every other day they work. What sucks even more is personally, I really like the a fore mentioned offender. I just wish they would do their job.
So everyone out there...how was your holiday season? Did you party it up? Or did you groove it old fashioned style? We had a very memorable Christmas. Our little man ran down the stairs to only find himself stopped on the landing out of shock. Santa had done it again! The presents were all over, there was even a stuffed monkey hanging from the ceiling fan. We have vaulted ceilings so that took some work on Santa's part. But all the chaos, and confusion brought on with the holiday was made well worth it when I heard him gasp out and his little voice say, "Look at that monkey!!!" Ahhh, good stuff. He got more then a four year old should everything from electronics to play-doh. But he's a very good kid, and hey Christmas comes but once a year! I personally made out like a bandit, and even if I did not receive a Wii I was given the money to buy one once they become available. I was also given books, you can never go wrong giving me a book! Then my parents gave me the most touching gift of all, they gave me all of our family Christmas ornaments. I couldn't help but cry a little. The Sig also made out well. After the present exchanging was finally done and the camera was put away we ate a very, VERY, large meal. You notice no one ever records the family feasting, but just knowing the way I eat I don't blame them!
Well, my day is over, and so am I!

Merry F*cking Christmas

2006-12-22T07:18:00.000-08:00

Who is it out there that is directly responsible for the car snafoos that are going to end up causing me to commit murder? It's bad enough that I have to deal with these car morons the rest of the year but it seems like everyone loses their damn mind in a vehicle around the holidays! s/Yeah, the faster you drive the faster Christmas comes! Thank God you figured that out! You're so smart!/s Right and the more you weave in and out of traffic it might help shake loose that reindeer that's up your butt! Let's remember people when we're driving in to our offices or respective jobs in the morning and we all have to deal with the stupid traffic not to be jerks. In the long run it might, and I really mean MIGHT, save you a few minutes drive time, but more likely it's going to cause some sort of injury. Either by a wreck or by someone like me following your ass like the most hard core stalker, waiting until you stop and then wishing you a Merry F*cking Christmas! Peace on earth people, good will towards men...don't ruin the Christmas dream by causing me to go postal.

On to a happier note...
My family became the proud harborers of a Yorkie last night. My parents run a kennel and one of their house dogs has come to stay with us for the time being, but it was pretty clear this morning that this could easily turn in to a permanent situation. She's a pretty cool little dog though, and my son is thrilled. So welcome to the family Boo, you join a pack of 3 humans, two gerbils, and Gorf the Almighty African clod frog. And if I say so myself, she's a pretty great family Christmas present!
How many of you out there are as excited I am about Christmas? I think the most exciting part this year (personally) will be my moms face when she opens her gift. The sig and I managed to acquire a very hard to find 'something' that my mom has been trying to get her hands on for a few years now! Then there is always the excitement about seeing Little Man's face as he runs down stairs to find all the loot Santa left for him. I think I did pretty well by the sig (significant other) this year as well, but it will be nice to see. Present wise I feel like everyone will be very happy with what we got for them this year, and that makes running that person down in the mall parking lot all worth it! Now to be a little greedy, because I'm sure you are all saying to yourselves, 'But Wickkett, what is it you want?' Easy answer...Wii me!
The front will remain quiet until Wednesday, until then I'll be drinking eggnog until I vomit! Happy Christmas!

Disclaimer Plus

2006-12-21T09:03:00.000-08:00

Hello all of you out there where ever you are. I throw this up in the first post to warn you... if you failed to catch the title of the blog this is the sarcastic side of life and I am it's ever faithful observant. Anyone that has a problem with the things I feel or say can push off, just remember people, I don't have a gun to your heads here. Now on to other topics!

Have parents lost their minds? I'm sorry, but as a parent I'm beginning to lose faith in my fellow human beings. I read the news every morning and for the last several months it seems like all I hear about is some child being injured or injuring others, and the article or news footage never fails to contain a quote from some misguided parent blaming a form of media or some other influence! HELLO?!?! I swear I feel like slapping a lot of these people. Don't get me wrong, there are some cases out there that the parent has no control of the situation what-so-ever, and my heart goes out to those people. But those are not the parents I am talking about. No...not by far...I'm talking about the people that are payed to let someone violate their child, the sickos that murder their kids because they are considered an inconvenience, and the sad sacks that neglect their children so much that the kids turn to gangs or violent behavior for attention.
I read about baby rapers walking the streets freed from jail on a technicality, the statistics of how many are out there on the loose, or how a judge handed down a sentence that paled in comparison to the crime, and I have to wonder what in the name of everything sacred has happened to our society. Aren't our children suppose to be our future? Are we not, as parents, charged with the duty of protecting, teaching, and instructing our children on how to grow in to decent human beings? Is the judicial system not charged with the duty to show children justice? How can you honestly turn to a little girl that has been repeated molested and tell her 'Sorry honey the man that scarred you for life will go to jail for ten years and then return to the town where you live, and shop in the same grocery store with you. Oh but don't worry, you'll be too old for him by then.' God save the children, and help us survive in the society we will have to survive in when they are our ages. I need to stop reading the news...

I have a crazy next door neighbor. I often wonder if she is on drugs, or if perhaps she needs to be. Due to my own insanity I often keep strange hours, but nothing compared to the nut job that lives across the street from me. I wake up in the middle of the night and decide I need a cigarette to calm my over active nerves (a horrible habit I'm trying to quit) so I head out side. We don't smoke inside. Anyway, I digress, I head out side and one of the first things I notice is that it's two in the morning and my nutty neighbor is digging through her trash, picks something out, and puts it in the van she is obsessed with. I wish this was a isolated incident, but no...all hours of the day and night I've seen her do this. Trash bag goes in, trash bag comes back out, hangs out in her mini-van for awhile, then goes back in to the trash can. That alone is often enough to disturb me, but this lady has to push it even farther. She has an obsession with her mini-van. She will sit in it, load her brood of children into it and just sit there while the little ones scream. She will come out half naked (and trust me this woman should never go anywhere in public with out some severe covering) and drive around the block, or up and down the street a few times. This has become bad enough that when my friends come over they inform me that 'She's at it again.' She needs help, I think we need to band together clothe her and take away the mini-van (and possibly her trashcan) and either enter her in to a rehab or in to a asylum. Just remember if we can't force others to recieve help who will force us when we finally take that lemming like jump in to abiss of insanity?