I was talking to my mother this morning while I was getting ready for work, and we were having a debate about a certain bartender we have both seen. There was a lot of back and forth that finally ended with me saying, "Look I know for a fact that he isn't gay!" My mother then proceeded to ask me if I had slept with afore mentioned bartender. Much to my own disappointment the answer was no, but I know someone who has. As if this conversation wasn't special enough it continued...
Mom- Oh good, learn from my mistakes.
Me- You slept with the bartender?
Mom- No! He's a puppy!!! No, but I've slept with far too many bartenders.
Me- Okaaaaay. Well, bartenders are fun.
Mom- And too many band guys.
Me- Well, band guys are fun too. You shouldn't try to make them anything more then a good time though.
Mom- I've had a lot of good times.
(I pause slightly horrified)
Me- Okaaaay
Mom- Do you know I don't have a clue how many people I've slept with or what their names were. Learn from my mistakes.
Me- Yeah, I know all of the names and the number, and it isn't that high.
Mom- Good! Considering I've been married for most of my adult life and I never cheated I guess that says something.
Me- (Awkward silence) Ummm... I guess
Mom- Yeah, it say's that I'm really busy when I'm single! In fact right now is the least busy I've ever been and that's because I'm old!!!
Me- I thought you had a date this weekend.
Mom- Yeah, but that's with this band guy.
Me- Well, it should be a good time at least.
This is what happens when you become friends with your children...your conversations become posts.
Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
Friday, October 21, 2011
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Killing the Rabbit
After living in the dating world again for awhile now and being the type of woman that has has no problem receiving the affections of the opposite sex I have realized some things. Today you will get to spend a minute with those realizations.
1. Don't date me. I know, hell of a first realization huh? Seriously, I know I might be exciting and keep you on your toes but I get bored easy. Also, this kind of exciting wears a person out fast.
2. I have to date more then one guy at a time. Three is a good number, but I can range up to eight as long as most of them live else where. And yes...they all know that they are not my one and only.
3. I am addicted to sex. Seriously...it's an addiction, and the withdrawals are not pretty.
4. The explosion of technology has made it far too easy to send random penis pictures. Oh, by the way guys, penis pictures are not an acceptable form of flirtation! Seriously, wtf???
5. Coupled with #4... Guys are really proud of their penises.
6. Dating is kind of like trying to kill bugs bunny. You could probably nail the fuzzy little fuck if you quit giving it the opportunity to talk. Just shoot!!! Quit letting it challenge you and pull a fast one because you find it necessary to prove your superiority to it! It might just be a rabbit, but it is smarter then you think and not afraid to cross dress. Seriously, there is no winning against it so either go with the flow, walk away from it, or let it slowly hammer you down with a large mallet until you submit and settle.
7. I find this one worth repeating... Don't date me! I don't play games and walk away in a second. Or mention any kind of commitment and watch me run.
1. Don't date me. I know, hell of a first realization huh? Seriously, I know I might be exciting and keep you on your toes but I get bored easy. Also, this kind of exciting wears a person out fast.
2. I have to date more then one guy at a time. Three is a good number, but I can range up to eight as long as most of them live else where. And yes...they all know that they are not my one and only.
3. I am addicted to sex. Seriously...it's an addiction, and the withdrawals are not pretty.
4. The explosion of technology has made it far too easy to send random penis pictures. Oh, by the way guys, penis pictures are not an acceptable form of flirtation! Seriously, wtf???
5. Coupled with #4... Guys are really proud of their penises.
6. Dating is kind of like trying to kill bugs bunny. You could probably nail the fuzzy little fuck if you quit giving it the opportunity to talk. Just shoot!!! Quit letting it challenge you and pull a fast one because you find it necessary to prove your superiority to it! It might just be a rabbit, but it is smarter then you think and not afraid to cross dress. Seriously, there is no winning against it so either go with the flow, walk away from it, or let it slowly hammer you down with a large mallet until you submit and settle.
7. I find this one worth repeating... Don't date me! I don't play games and walk away in a second. Or mention any kind of commitment and watch me run.
8. Probably the mos important lesson I have learned. Always ask if they are married or in a relationship! Given, this isn't something that should be necessary, but humanity seems to have lost every last shred of decency and so this lesson has become a firm rule. For some reason married men just love me. Maybe I just project the 'mistress vibe' or something, but I have actually seen a married man fall over himself trying to get to me.
With these lovely little lessons in place I am seriously considering a year long celibacy kick. I think it might be a good idea, my friends however don't think I can pull it off. In fact they laughed in my face at the idea. Do any of you know what it feels like to have an entire table laugh in your face? It sucks! Still it will be after my birthday before I take this very drastic measure if I take it at all. Several people in my life have opted to go on vacation about that time, so they don't have to deal with the withdrawals. The withdrawals get ugly...extremely ugly.
With these lovely little lessons in place I am seriously considering a year long celibacy kick. I think it might be a good idea, my friends however don't think I can pull it off. In fact they laughed in my face at the idea. Do any of you know what it feels like to have an entire table laugh in your face? It sucks! Still it will be after my birthday before I take this very drastic measure if I take it at all. Several people in my life have opted to go on vacation about that time, so they don't have to deal with the withdrawals. The withdrawals get ugly...extremely ugly.
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