Bringing Back Recess

The little man came back from his vacation this last weekend, and needless to say life is far less interesting at home then at Disney World and Mardi Gras but we have been trying to keep it interesting. He went to Chucky Cheese with his girlfriend for her birthday, and tonight they are going to bake cookies together. Let's face it, cookie time is always a good time! He is happy to be back at school with all his little friends, and who could blame him, he is at the perfect age. That age of no homework mostly arts and crafts as school work, and nap time! He even gets to start off the morning with recess. I was thinking about this earlier, I would be happy too if I could start off everyday with 15 minutes devoted to sliding and swinging. Think about it, wouldn't we all be happier if we could just go slide or swing before we went to our respective jobs everyday? Oh, and let us not forget nap time! I've read that the Japanese trend of corporate naps is catching on in the big cities, I love this idea. There are some days that I would love to lay my head down for 30 minutes and take a little snooze. So I think we should reinstate these practices that we gave up as we grew older. I am sure we would find ourselves happier and more productive on the whole.

For all of you wondering about my absence I appreciate the concern, my root canal went alright, and I have been in vicodin land since last Thursday. I try to refrain from writing anything that will be read by others while I'm in vicodin land, it just works for the best if I stay away from others in that state.

Now on to the news...

Al Gore won a Oscar, is anyone else as amused by this as I am? He, in my opinion, was probably the best thing about the Oscars this year. Not that I am a huge Oscar fan, I find it all rather pompous, but there are fleeting moments of interest now and then. Anyone know if Reagan ever won an Oscar? I'll have to check in to that one. I want to know who was the first politician to reach Oscar status, and why more of them have not. Politicians are after all some of the best actors I have ever seen.

Anna Nicole remains unburied. I have to wonder how long people are going to be stupid regarding her death, because let's face it, this whole thing is stupid and greedy. Why is it so hard to understand that a mother would want to be buried next to her child? Any parent would if they lost there child before they themselves went. It is sad, just sad that so many people are still trying to use her even in death. Poor Anna.

The presidential hopefuls are coming out in droves and strings of lights that show bare their images have gone up on Amazon. No joke, strings of lights featuring our presidential candidates and the year with either a donkey or elephant. I ask what better why to show your political support is there then tacky lights? Oh, yeah, I know what I'm hanging on my front porch come Christmas time. Look out world, here comes my Snoopy for President porch lights!

Don't Ask Don't Tell

Today's post is going to be amazingly short. Why? Because I'm not a very happy person right now. I have been infected by a bronchial something and I need a root canal. This leads to a very unhappy and very angry Wickkett. And the world trembles with the might of my toothy wrath. Actually, I think I have just lost my mind. It explains my behavior a little more.

In the news today Wyoming declared that it is taking steps to create laws making life a little harder on sexual offenders. Considering at the moment Wyoming is viewed as a sexual offender haven where they do not have to register, can live near schools and play grounds, and can even live in the same house as a minor, I am forced to wonder what has taken them so long? Sexual offenders are actually calling other sexual offenders and convincing them to move there! Are they setting up a hot line? They must be since over half of Wyoming's sexual offender population have moved there with prior records. Well Wyoming, I do hope you manage to get your whole predator problem under control. On a side note, I personally will never live in in that state.

Also, a thought to keep us all occupied: Did you know condoms are tested for our safety? More then that, you can buy the condoms that failed those tests in bulk from the condom factories. Now isn't that fun.

Teenagers and Hillbillies

Ever noticed the high volume of teenagers and hillbillies in bowling alleys? I do not often have the opportunity to find myself in the bowling alley, mainly because every time I do decide to go real bowling (instead of Wii bowling) I find myself surrounded by thirteen year olds and tooth missing wonders fresh from the foothills. I think I need to stick with Wii bowling, as much fun as I find regular bowling it takes more will power then I have to be able not to kill the fifteen thirteen year olds sharing the lane adjacent to mine. I am beginning to believe that it's just me, that I have developed an intolerance to anyone from the ages 12-14 sometimes immature 15 year olds as well. I suppose I feel that since I do not have to deal with that level of selfish b.s. until little man hits that age group that I should not have it forced upon me in a public place. Let's face it, with my out spoken not so sunny attitude this means that I have a very hard time not bitch-slapping some minors and landing myself in jail for a very long time when they manage to do very stupid things. For example - If you get your bowling ball lodged in the gutter someone own up to the bowling guy instead of standing around shuffling fifteen pairs of feet and occasionally looking at I or The Sig as if we are going to do anything to about it. Do you think any of them actually went to ask the bowling guy for help? No, that would make to much sense. Bowling guy's child slave (I can only assume that is what this kid was) eventually notices the problem and strolls down the alley to fix it before returning to his slave stool. We left shortly after our last frame. I think the only thing worse then the teenagers in a bowling alley are the trailer trash rejects guzzling beer with straws stuck through gaps from their missing teeth. They hoot, they holler, they get feisty, and they drunkenly make out with their sister. They do bowl a pretty impressive game, but they are the walking reminder of why the south has a very bad reputation, and why higher education is a necessity. It will be awhile before I do any kind of bowling aside from Wii bowling!

Anyone hear about the mummy found in New York? A man was found in front of his television in his living room mummified last Thursday. He hadn't been seen since December 2005, his neighbors assumed he was in a long term care facility, no one realized he was slowly mummifying in front of his television due to the low humidity in his house. The television was still blaring when the police found him while responding to a routine broken pipe call. My comment on this is simple : Do you know of anyone other then a dead guy that could get away without paying his bills for over a year and not get cut off? Poor Lucky had to go through the cable ordeal from hell after missing one payment on accident!

Sex Sells, Even Manatee Sex

Happy Valentine's Day all. Even if you have been chewed up and spit out by the razor like chompers of love then Happy Excuse To Eat Chocolate Until You Puke Day! I hope all expectations for the day are met, and if they are not, then I hope we can find a way to exact swift revenge together. Contact me for revenge ideas, I have a great one involving minnows, bologna, and a gas tank I have been itching to try out.

The Sig and I attempted to watch The Libertine last night. I say attempted because about half way through the movie the Sig wandered off to do something else with one of our friends. The acting was well done, the cinematography was not amazing but it also wasn't bad, the language was gorgeous, and all in all I would recommend it because it also had a interesting story. It was, however, the closest thing to a artistic porn I have ever seen. Do not watch it if you are feint of heart, it has some very graphic scenes, in fact it is all one long graphic scene. But if you can stand sex and giant wooden moving phallic images then the movie will be worth your time. I just want to make sure you are pre-warned.

Anyone hear about the exotic animal sex tours a number of zoos around the country are offering? That's right! Nothing says 'I Love You' more than taking your darling to watch animals have sex at the zoo. Not enough you say? Well then you are in luck! You not only get to catch a mating or two of the exotic but you will also have the opportunity to eat dinner out side of the manatee tank where an orgy could break out at any moment! After all the manatee is the hippie of the animal kingdom. Still not enough, hmm? Alright, fine then, if you're going to be a die hard romantic, you can also hear interesting facts about the length, shape, and weight of certain animal's penises, and about how they mate. There that should do it for you! Are you feeling romantic yet? Think you'll impress your date with a evening full of romantic animal sex? Yeah, I don't think I want to know the answer to that question. I will sleep better with out worrying about the rising percentage of bestiality.

Happy Love Day...don't sleep with the wild life.

Letter

Dear Mr. E-Mail Guy-

Thank you for your constant presence in my life, but I am going to have to ask you if we could end this relationship. You see, it has become overly obvious that you know nothing about me! I am not obese, and so therefore I do not need weight loss drugs or surgery. Two things which you seem to think I need a lot of. I do not have horrible skin, or scarring, so I do not need the creams and free ointments you want me to except. My hair is not falling out, and I'm happy it's not. You seem to think it is how ever, and you think I need a special shampoo for this.
I do not need your pity, because I am not desperately broke (most of the time), so please keep your limited time free offers, clearance sales, and one time only deals to yourself. I also know that I may be a lucky person but I am not lucky enough to win all the free things you want to send to me.
Oh, I also do not have a small penis or need my lover to give me longer and stronger nights. With that said please keep your penis e-mails to yourself.
E-Mail guy, it has been a long relationship, and it hurts me because I never just get an e-mail wondering how my day is going or if I am doing well. Instead I have to face the fact that after all of these years you do not know me, and I have to wonder if you ever really did. I have never been the obese, acne ridden, scarred, bald, poor, sadly endowed, sexually unsatisfied, and yet extremely lucky person you seem to think I am. I'm sorry E-mail Guy, but this relationship is over. I know it's hard to except this close to Valentine's Day, but you'll move on, in fact I'm sure you already have.

P.S. - I am still waiting for the flat screen t.v. I won four months ago.

Sincerely,
Wickkett

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Valentines Day

I'm having a issue with something, nothing new there, but the something has changed. I am forced to wonder if people are just being lazy or if perhaps the crummy weather has had something to do with it. I also thought it was just a local epidemic but I found out this weekend, while on vacation, that it has gone outside of the scope of my own little universe. The problem I am referring to are the lingering Christmas decorations that remain up. I know we all love that time of year, the joy that is in the air in almost palpable, children's eyes are a glow with delight. Heck, it's the closest thing to magic most of us ever know, and we want to hold on to that as long as possible, but enough is enough. I think there should be a time line on the giant Frostie's and inflatable Santa's on motorcycles, and it should end the first weekend past the New Year. Any time after that just looks lazy and more than a little tacky! I am plotting a new activity for this weekend, and I encourage all of you to join in with me. First start by drinking a lot of caffeine at about 6pm Friday, in preparation for the nights activities. Now if you are not fortunate (or unfortunate) enough to own a truck you can still participate. We can call it the great after Christmas ornament swapping weekend. Let's take the giant light up Frostie and swap him with the inflatable Santa. We can take the wreath down from our neighbor's doors and swap them with those of people across town. By Saturday I would be willing to lay money down that those people will get off their duff's and except that Christmas is over. And personally, I always find messing with people a enjoyable past time!

Unfortunate news today, the KKK is seeing it's largest surge of new members since the 1960's due to the countries immigration issues. Is it just me or did we not all decide these people were evil hate mongering quacks quite some time ago? Hate is never a good thing people, let's try to remember that.

Well...That's Happy

There's just all kinds of death in the news today, some people deserve it, most do not. However, I'm sure the first death that came to mind is that of Anna Nicole Smith. Personally I don't have any strong feelings either way about the publicly acclaimed 'blond bombshell' but I have noticed a lot of very mean things flying around out there about her. Come on people, have enough respect for human life to keep your tacky comments to yourself! If you did not know the woman personally I doubt you are qualified to give any kind of opinion of her! I must say though, I do have two opinions regarding Anna Nicole; First, if you marry a very old man and you have to act as his wife for any period of time you earned the money! Second, sad, it's just sad.

Anyone else a little annoyed that they have yet to bury James Brown? A soul legend, pretty kookie, and apparently 'high on nuthin but God'. He deserves to at least be put in the ground in a timely fashion, or possibly come back as a zombie and start devouring his many children. That's right the king of soul is back, and he's bringing the pain! And all anyone could say if he did come back is that if they would have done his memory any justice than he wouldn't have been able to escape.

I had a sudden realization that I feel bad for Freddie Prince Jr., just a random thought out of the blue this morning. But I do, poor guy, he's had it kind of rough.

The Sig and I are off for a romantic get away this weekend. We are unable to bring Boo-Boo so she is a sad little puppy. She's currently being Yorkie-sat by people that will not let her sleep in their bed, and she is not happy about this. Neither am I for that matter, but what are you gonna do?

Good weekends to all!