There ain't no hope for the stoopid

So I know that I went missing off of the blogging radar for awhile. Mainly after the divorce I was depressed and I try to adhere to the title of the blog and keep sarcasm my forte. Since then in my personal life I have gone through the stages of serious rebound relationship,  player, and the desire to be left alone completely.  Normal from what I understand, however, I am finally beginning to branch out and occasionally go on a date with someone who is worthwhile again, and do you know what I have discovered? Dating sucks! I mean seriously...it just sucks. Lol

On to other things...so I live in the southern part of the United States.  Big shocker, I go into the grocer today and had to be forcibly removed by my best friend because some hillbillies had bred and their offspring were running rampant.  I mean seriously? It was when the oldest of the four came up and slapped me on the ass that I was forced to abandon cart mid ailse and be led out of the store lest I pick the child up and beat the parents with him.  I don't understand what happened to the responsibility of actually caring about the affect your offspring has in the world.  Maybe it is just around here but it seems to me like the populace is truly trying to become like that movie idiocracy. I'm begging the intellectuals and responsible adults to have children please. Prevent me from getting arrested for intolerance of the stupid! Make the world a better place, or just help me by picking up brats and chunking them upside their parents clueless noggins. Either way things will change.

Days In My Week

So I recently decided to revisit eight year old fashion and buy some days of the week socks. Seriously, we should just be happy that I didn't get underwear too!  Anyhow,  I was stupid excited about my random sock purchase and noticed a extra little bounce in my step as my best friend and I made our way through the other stores. Perhaps my feet were excited too??? Could be! So when I made it home I bust out my new acquisition to take a gander at the different designs each one fun and cute, but then as I got to the last pair there was a fly in the ointment.  Oh no no...fluffy...I don't think that this is going to work for me. 7 days in the week...and only 6 pair of socks. Monday-Friday remained normal but Saturday and Sunday, oh nooooo. Nope Saturday and Sunday have been labeled very simply 'weekend'. I was straight up angry. I mean really?!?! My weekends are short enough with out even deeming them worthy enough to have a pair of socks for each day. I mean come on! Is the fabric going to kill them for one more pair of socks? If so why not knock out one of the days I'm not pleased with?  Monday, for example,  would be a lovely day to skip over. Silly socks, they just ruined it for me. Wearing them could have been an experience that brought me much laughter. Instead though I haven't worn them at all.

Fads

I am intrigued with the new greek yogurt fad that seems to be going on these days. Don’t get me wrong, I have been a fan of this very tasty substance for a very long time, so there is no greek hate here. I have been all about the thick creamy goodness mixed with a little wild honey since back in the day when I had to buy it in specialty stores. Still…really America???? A yogurt fad?!?!?! What next? Are we going to possibly have a lettuce fad? Oh, romaine is so cool and healthy for us, let’s modify it as only the American corporations will until it looks and tastes like romaine but is actual just cheap iceburg lettuce and then we can jack the price up and fool the populace into paying more for the same thing they have been eating because it’s commercialized and cool!!!! OR…for those people that actually know what they are buying, and know what makes greek yogurt different, and no it isn’t because it’s from Greece…you yogurt racists… buy the real thing, and enjoy. If you buy into the hype and want to try the next cool thing, even if you tried it before it was cool because you are just that darn smooth (ah-hem), then please for the love of the sweet tap dancing baby jeebus do some research. We could apply that statement to anything really. I ask, is it too much for people to know what they are putting into their bodies? I don’t care if it is healthy for you or not, but at least know. That way in 20 years when you are suffering from cholesterol problems (and it isn’t genetic) then you can think back and say…whelp it was probably the 50lbs of fried chicken I ate in 2012… instead of…. DAMN that greek yogurt!!! It must be all its fault since it was from another country!!!!!! Ummmmmmm….yeeeeeah…


All ranting aside though, it is pretty yummy with a bit of local wild honey. The local wild honey also helps improve allergy issues too, put a tablespoon of cinnamon in there and it will also improve vocal cord and throat conditions.

Tis the Season to be Slutty

One of my former acquaintances once told me that when we dress up in costume we are truly reflecting our inner selves. He then proceeded to comment on several different costumes and what they said about the wearers, when I told them that they all belonged to me he did not seem that surprised. Over the years I have generally agreed with this theory. We personify our inner selves through Halloween. I also believe this is one of the reasons why people are partaking in Halloween more and more as adults. And after looking around this year, and trust me I saw many a costume since I was in two costume contests, I know what most women are. Yes...most women (not all) are secretly sluts.

After looking around at all the sexy kitties, pirates, cheerleaders, waldos, firemen, and super heroes, and realizing that at lease half of these sexy costumes should not have been worn by the women in them I knew the truth. Secretly we all want to be sexy. Some of us act the part all year long, hearing the beat of the va-va-va-voom with each step we take, others however need the guise of Halloween to bring that 'sexy' forth. Still, I ask you all when did less clothes become the standard sexy? I rocked out a full length evening gown last night and had people tripping over themselves. No need to have your ass hang out. Seriously, this is something that I saw...a lot...

Ladies, I get it, we all want to be sexy, confident, powerful women. But can we look back on icons like Ava Gardner and remember that classy can also be sexy because it is more about attitude most of the time then it is about what you are wearing. Your attitude governs your poise, facial movements, and actions. Laugh at the right moment. Throw your shoulders back. Hold your head as if you own the world, and by god, you will. You are sexy in jeans and a t-shirt with the right attitude, all the rest is just icing. Seriously though, for the love of all that is holy...put on some clothes...

TMI

I was talking to my mother this morning while I was getting ready for work, and we were having a debate about a certain bartender we have both seen. There was a lot of back and forth that finally ended with me saying, "Look I know for a fact that he isn't gay!" My mother then proceeded to ask me if I had slept with afore mentioned bartender. Much to my own disappointment the answer was no, but I know someone who has. As if this conversation wasn't special enough it continued...

Mom- Oh good, learn from my mistakes.

Me- You slept with the bartender?

Mom- No! He's a puppy!!! No, but I've slept with far too many bartenders.

Me- Okaaaaay. Well, bartenders are fun.

Mom- And too many band guys.

Me- Well, band guys are fun too. You shouldn't try to make them anything more then a good time though.

Mom- I've had a lot of good times.

(I pause slightly horrified)

Me- Okaaaay

Mom- Do you know I don't have a clue how many people I've slept with or what their names were. Learn from my mistakes.

Me- Yeah, I know all of the names and the number, and it isn't that high.

Mom- Good! Considering I've been married for most of my adult life and I never cheated I guess that says something.

Me- (Awkward silence) Ummm... I guess

Mom- Yeah, it say's that I'm really busy when I'm single! In fact right now is the least busy I've ever been and that's because I'm old!!!

Me- I thought you had a date this weekend.

Mom- Yeah, but that's with this band guy.

Me- Well, it should be a good time at least.

This is what happens when you become friends with your children...your conversations become posts.

Metaphor

Anyone else ever seen a hairless cat stop to clean it's fur and then remember it is hairless? The surprise on it's face is priceless. I think that this image makes for an excellent metaphor for turning thirty. Yes folks, that right there sums up my feelings about my up coming birthday. Come next month when you think of me...remember that cat.

Turning thirty is like a hairless cat trying to clean it's fur....

just so amusingly sad that you don't know whether you should laugh or accept the sad 'poor thing' pat on the head.

confusing but still cute in it's own unique way.

something you only experience once.

something some jackass is going to take a picture of and put on facebook.

something that makes you realize that a fur coat could help any situation. (and diamonds never hurt on a side note.....eh-hem)

something that makes you wonder if you should moisturize more.

and my favorite.............

something that makes you realize no matter how much you might forget...you are still you.

And that sums what thirty is for me pretty darn well.

One in a Sea of Sky Scrapers

I ended up in Tulsa, Oklahoma last night. It was extremely unexpected but a fabulous man I am dating decided to be impetuous and proceeded to spend an entire evening sweeping me off of my feet. It was an amazing evening of adventure and romance that fit right in with my whirl wind life style. The merriment and revelries a side though while we were walking from point b to point c in our journey we found the most out of place building in the city. Now, anyone that knows me is shaking their head and saying, "Oh, Wickkett, not architecture again!" Buildings are beautiful damn it!!! So yes...we are going to talk about a building in today's post. What about the amazing night? What about those crazy and incredible details? Hello...this is The Sarcastic Side of Life....remember? When it becomes 'The Juicy Details of Wickkett's Wild Ride' I'll let you know. Anyway, back to the very out of place building. Now, anyone who has ever spent any time in down town Tulsa knows that there are a lot of big beautiful tall buildings. Of course you can walk a few blocks an be surrounded by shorter and fa older buildings.

It is in the short and old buildings that the personality of age seeps out at you from every angle. At one time they were buildings with a more professional purpose and now they find themselves the homes of night clubs and bars. Their disdain is evident with every graffitied tag across their noble sides. It is to one of these angry blasts from the past that I was walking towards when I saw it. Surrounded by sky scrapers, lost in a modern world, sandwiched as snugly as could be stood a Chinese restaurant. I stopped dead in my tracks and started to laugh. Here in the concrete jungle I saw a ginormous middle finger raised to corporate America as it became obvious that someone enjoyed to be a property owner. I could envision a little old Asian gentleman telling his family on his death bed "Do not sell!" I could see the horror in their eyes as they listened. The world rose up around them but out f respect they continued to hold to their guns and respect the old mans wishes. Some of the family would fight about it, but eventually it would become the running family joke. Eventually it would be the focus of one sarcastic Wickkett and cause me to laugh maniacally. Ah yes, random Chinese restaurant, I salute you. Hold strong and eff them, eff them all!