Back to Myself Again

Since November of last year I have been sick. At first they thought it was just my gallbladder, but during the removal surgery they discovered that I had a very rare ‘reproductive disease’. A few months later after no response from treatment they discovered that I had more then one. A few months after that and there was still no response from the most severe treatments other than a very adverse reaction. It wasn’t long before I could do little more then work and sleep, the very act of living was taking all of my energy and hope. Soon I found myself in and out of the hospital, each time pleading with a little more desperation for help. On the fourth I was admitted to the hospital one last time. On the sixth I woke up after surgery and felt less pain then I have in months. It finally came down to an emergency hysterectomy. It is a very strange feeling to wake up and realize that you have been sleep walking through your life for over half a year. All of the pain medicines are gone, I ditched those two days after the surgery. The pain of healing is so much less and so very different from the pain of disease that I felt that they were unnecessary. My boundless energy is returning, driving me out of my head because the desire is there to go out and do so many things but the ability has not returned yet. The healing process is a bit too slow for my taste. I feel like I haven’t been living for the last seven months, so adding another month and a half of healing time on to it is like twisting the knife in the proverbial wound. Everyone who knows me claims that I am myself again, no one is quite sure who I was before but apparently it was someone that caused great alarm. It unnerves me to know that I worried my loved ones so deeply, especially The Sig. He told me last night that the energy that had been flowing out of me was tinted like a poison. Poor guy was terrified about what was happening to me but kept a good face trying to remain strong. I have always been a pretty strong force to reckon with so it is strange to hear others talking about trying to be strong for me. I can not lie though and say that I held my head up easily through out the whole ordeal, there was one point where they thought that I had cancer, the day I went in to get those test results was one of the most frightening moments of my life. I was tired from the sheer act of existing and I was scared about what cancer would put everyone else in my life through. Dark times the past few months, but the long night is at a end and I can see the light shining at the edge of the horizon. I am myself again. I have caught myself looking at near by bike trails, kayak runs, hypostasizing about possible connections between uncorrelated dead civilizations, writing, and reading again since the surgery. I can not tell you the last time I was able to do those things uninterrupted or with a clear mind. I know that I am well known to take breaks in my writing that are worth months of silence. I also know that my writing has been few and far between this year. I wanted to explain to you why I had little to write about. If I am going to bring up a depressing subject then I would rather be on the sidelines throwing my sarcasm out at the world in retaliation for the one being injured, I do not like being the depressing subject itself.

On to other topics.

I am buying a new car. My little Dodge Neon just isn’t meeting our expectations these days. I think The Sig and I have settled on a 2008 Honda Civic Hybrid. We drive so much in a week with our commute to work that it just made sense to us to purchase a hybrid and we have a deeply unshakable loyalty to Honda. Considering the loyalty our current Honda Civic has given to us it is the least we can do. After the car I think The Sig is going to try to talk me into a boat. My premonition comes from the boat talk that he is already trying to slip into the conversation as we drive down the road. But then again he is also slipping in motorcycle talk into the conversations as well. There isn’t a ounce of my being that doesn’t enjoy that man’s unshakable thrill of adventure. He definitely keeps me as entertained as I keep him.