I leave tomorrow, and today has been a very emotional day for me. I had to post something, so this is it.
I will post again on the other side of a very long move.
Friday, April 27, 2007
Friday, April 20, 2007
I Know A Fat Chick Who Digs Mayonnaise
I look at the diets of my friends around me who complain about their weight and I am forced to wonder if they realize how fattening mayonnaise is. My diet lacks in things, I have lapses of judgement, splurges, and sometimes even mayonnaise. I am not above turning the hard core finger upon myself, but the day I start dipping fast food into mayo like it was made to be a dipping sauce then I want someone to harpoon me, because I'm going to need it. Blah. And don't even get me started on the rest of the perks that we are taking as glorified liberties with our eating habits. For example, ranch dressing is like mayonnaise, not everything is meant to be dipped in it. Not all food has to be fried, really it doesn't. I swear to you in the south you can get corn on the cob fried, it's just wrong. Vegetables are your friends as long as they are not deep fried and smothered in gravy. I believe in fried foods, gravy, ranch,and even mayonnaise but I do not believe they need to be eaten with every meal. Then there is bar-b-que sauce, nothing needs to be drowned in this tasty sauce. And if you partake in these foods entirely too much, do us all a favor and adjust your wardrobe accordingly. Please.
On moving news, I will be fleeing my current state and venturing farther south at the end of next week. I am very stressed out, very busy, and I think it might be possible that I could snap at any minute.
On snapping at any minute news, I am amazed that I managed to keep my composure (translates in to cursing at the top of my lungs instead of following every stupid rubber necker in front of me to where ever they where going and planting car bombs on their vehicles.) That is definitely the only thing I will not miss about this area! The way people drive in this entire state is amazingly stupid. Anyway, I was driving in to work yesterday and all of the sudden traffic comes to a halt on the interstate, I think 'Great another wreck.' People around here are awful about rubber necking. Boy was I wrong. Those idiots were stopping because there was a cop on the side of the highway, just sitting there. I'm sorry, but when in the hell did a police vehicle become a stop sign??? He should have given them a ticket for blocking traffic, and another for being stupid! I still want to hurt these people. But I'm just happy I managed to keep that vessel in my forehead from blowing. Yay for me.
Now...On to regular news.
Has everyone heard about Alec Baldwin? Everyone heard the tape that was leaked out by Kim Basingers' lawyers mother? Anyone left think he is still a nice guy? Amazing how insane some people can go even though they have the money for proper treatment. Sad really.
Aside from crazy celebrities there is real news out there. Of course we have all heard about the college massacre. A horrible moment for our country's history. My condolences to all the victims friends and family. Am I the only one that feels that the college needs some kind of emergency plan of action for the evacuation of the school due to crazies? Might be good to draw up, just in case. You know it does not seem very likely that an attack will happen at a school more then once, but it seems like their track record is not that great so they might just want to prepare for the worst and hope for they best. Sad that so many lives were lost, and even more futures altered, lives changed, and dreams destroyed. What are we becoming when something like this happens in our schools, to the youth of our country, the people who will make our future?
Another atrocity that I feel needs to have wider coverage is the story of the young journalism major at Columbia University. She was held captive, tortured and continuously raped for 19 hours on April 13th. I encourage you all to go to MSNBC and read the full article under the crime and punishment section. The guy cut her eye lids and then set the futon she was tied to on fire. The least we could do is recognize her case, and her attacker.
On to personal screwing with people news~ I believe that screwing with people might be my soul purpose in life, and if you do it right it not only adds amusement to your day but to the day of the screwie as well. For example, just start asking for random odd condiments if you get fast food or take out. Ask for mustard when you get a yogurt at McDonalds, or better yet ranch. Demand salsa with your sopapilla, or soy with your coconut ice cream. Give them something to talk about. Walk in to Fed-Ex and ask them how you could mail a gerbil, then ask them if it would help if it was dead. Intentionally get a ticket from a campus cop, then go to court to contest it. When the campus patrol man does not show up present your side of the case as a 'getting me back for calling him a rent-a-cop' motive. The judge will have a good laugh and the ticket will be thrown out (trust me). These things are a interesting way of channeling all that awful soul destroying stress we all get. Plus, I'm sure we have all had days where some one has done something so off for that situation you kept revisiting it in your minds eye and it brought with it a healthy laugh. Spread the laughter. Alec Baldwin could stand to do something odd like that every once in a while, it would help.
On moving news, I will be fleeing my current state and venturing farther south at the end of next week. I am very stressed out, very busy, and I think it might be possible that I could snap at any minute.
On snapping at any minute news, I am amazed that I managed to keep my composure (translates in to cursing at the top of my lungs instead of following every stupid rubber necker in front of me to where ever they where going and planting car bombs on their vehicles.) That is definitely the only thing I will not miss about this area! The way people drive in this entire state is amazingly stupid. Anyway, I was driving in to work yesterday and all of the sudden traffic comes to a halt on the interstate, I think 'Great another wreck.' People around here are awful about rubber necking. Boy was I wrong. Those idiots were stopping because there was a cop on the side of the highway, just sitting there. I'm sorry, but when in the hell did a police vehicle become a stop sign??? He should have given them a ticket for blocking traffic, and another for being stupid! I still want to hurt these people. But I'm just happy I managed to keep that vessel in my forehead from blowing. Yay for me.
Now...On to regular news.
Has everyone heard about Alec Baldwin? Everyone heard the tape that was leaked out by Kim Basingers' lawyers mother? Anyone left think he is still a nice guy? Amazing how insane some people can go even though they have the money for proper treatment. Sad really.
Aside from crazy celebrities there is real news out there. Of course we have all heard about the college massacre. A horrible moment for our country's history. My condolences to all the victims friends and family. Am I the only one that feels that the college needs some kind of emergency plan of action for the evacuation of the school due to crazies? Might be good to draw up, just in case. You know it does not seem very likely that an attack will happen at a school more then once, but it seems like their track record is not that great so they might just want to prepare for the worst and hope for they best. Sad that so many lives were lost, and even more futures altered, lives changed, and dreams destroyed. What are we becoming when something like this happens in our schools, to the youth of our country, the people who will make our future?
Another atrocity that I feel needs to have wider coverage is the story of the young journalism major at Columbia University. She was held captive, tortured and continuously raped for 19 hours on April 13th. I encourage you all to go to MSNBC and read the full article under the crime and punishment section. The guy cut her eye lids and then set the futon she was tied to on fire. The least we could do is recognize her case, and her attacker.
On to personal screwing with people news~ I believe that screwing with people might be my soul purpose in life, and if you do it right it not only adds amusement to your day but to the day of the screwie as well. For example, just start asking for random odd condiments if you get fast food or take out. Ask for mustard when you get a yogurt at McDonalds, or better yet ranch. Demand salsa with your sopapilla, or soy with your coconut ice cream. Give them something to talk about. Walk in to Fed-Ex and ask them how you could mail a gerbil, then ask them if it would help if it was dead. Intentionally get a ticket from a campus cop, then go to court to contest it. When the campus patrol man does not show up present your side of the case as a 'getting me back for calling him a rent-a-cop' motive. The judge will have a good laugh and the ticket will be thrown out (trust me). These things are a interesting way of channeling all that awful soul destroying stress we all get. Plus, I'm sure we have all had days where some one has done something so off for that situation you kept revisiting it in your minds eye and it brought with it a healthy laugh. Spread the laughter. Alec Baldwin could stand to do something odd like that every once in a while, it would help.
Wednesday, April 4, 2007
Slacker
I'm sure most of you, dear readers, are close to giving up on me. I have left a void where my sarcastic daily rant would normally be, and though you think I'm ignoring you, I swear I am not. My dearest readers, I have been buried under the shit storm that is moving to another state. If any of you have had a turn of events that has brought about a very large move for you then I am sure you understand. However, the person reading this and nodding thinking to him/her self 'I've done that!' when all you did was make a hour move, you need to stop thinking you understand. You need to stop right now because you don't. In fact, unless you have made a move of no less then 12 hours one way then I do not want to have you come up to me while I am putting my life in boxes and tell me about your harrowing journey of one hour away. Especially if I was the one that helped you move. That was really only aimed at a handful of people, most have enough common sense just to say, "Wow Wickkett, that sucks. Need help with that box?" That is what most people would do how ever I seem to be surrounded by morons lately. I get the feeling that the IQ of the public is lessening as my stress level is growing. But come on I know it's not all just me and I will give you examples.
1. A guy called me the other day and asked me how to spell Joe. It would have been a little more understandable if this was not his second time to ask. I almost said, "T-E-D, Joe." But he probably would have started writing out Ted on everything.
2. A whole bunch of people thought that Donald Trump would lose a bet, and a staged bet at that. I bring this up though and what do you think happens? I have a group of people trying to defend the validity of wrestling.
3. People keep calling me and beginning the conversation with "Duh...duh..." We really should do something to stop the inbreeding.
4.Another brilliant phone call was actually received by a friend and co-worker of mine, but since the perp is the ever present thorn in my ass I must repeat his crime here. He called and asked her what his phone said, he wanted to check his caller ID title, however he just asked her what his phone said. I blew a nut when I heard this, the proper answer to that question is -Ring Ring-!
Now these are just four run of the mill examples. I have to drive to that far off distant state we are moving to tomorrow so I'm sure I will have far more tales of stupidity to bring back to you. Yes, I'm leaving tomorrow during work to drive for a unhealthy amount of time by my onesies so I can catch a few hours sleep and then go and interview at a few places. After trying to charm people on very little sleep I then get to catch a few more hours sleep before waking up and driving back. This wouldn't be too bad if my CD player worked. Right now it is not just broken, but spiteful as well turning on at random moments and picking out the most hateful lyrics possible to spit at me before turning back off to leave me in confusion and anger. Anger more then the confusion now that I know what it is up to. When I finally make it back to my house, exhausted, and road worn, it will be time to hang out with the Sig while I can and then after what I'm sure will be another night of very little sleep it will be Easter. Easter, and our little man will be hunting eggs and all the things that Easter is great for doing when you are a kid. Then my family is going to come over, for what will probably be the last holiday I spend with them for awhile. In other words dear readers, like I said before, I am buried under the shit storm of moving. Other then that I will move on to the news.
The coyote in the Quiznos. Am I the only one that wishes this pup had felt more in the mood for a beer? How great would it have been if he had found his way in to a bar and hopped up on the counter instead of the cooler? I know a few people would have been convinced they had been slipped something in their drink. My view on it, the furry guy just wanted a sandwich, who doesn't from time to time.
The next bit of news was not as wide spread as the coyote business, but just as interesting. A 700 lb woman had to be cut out of her house the other day. She had fallen and needed emergency assistance. As the emergency personnel cut her out of her house she was reported to have a very pleasant attitude and joked about the situation. My initial reaction to this story was a thought that I know a woman well on the road to this situation, it will happen shortly after she eats her husband for not dividing up the food to the portions she feels is equal. The only difference, no one will ever know she needs help because she will refuse to use the phone due to some strange mental issue. My second reaction, I am rather amazed that a 700 pound woman was up walking around. Her legs must be really strong.
1. A guy called me the other day and asked me how to spell Joe. It would have been a little more understandable if this was not his second time to ask. I almost said, "T-E-D, Joe." But he probably would have started writing out Ted on everything.
2. A whole bunch of people thought that Donald Trump would lose a bet, and a staged bet at that. I bring this up though and what do you think happens? I have a group of people trying to defend the validity of wrestling.
3. People keep calling me and beginning the conversation with "Duh...duh..." We really should do something to stop the inbreeding.
4.Another brilliant phone call was actually received by a friend and co-worker of mine, but since the perp is the ever present thorn in my ass I must repeat his crime here. He called and asked her what his phone said, he wanted to check his caller ID title, however he just asked her what his phone said. I blew a nut when I heard this, the proper answer to that question is -Ring Ring-!
Now these are just four run of the mill examples. I have to drive to that far off distant state we are moving to tomorrow so I'm sure I will have far more tales of stupidity to bring back to you. Yes, I'm leaving tomorrow during work to drive for a unhealthy amount of time by my onesies so I can catch a few hours sleep and then go and interview at a few places. After trying to charm people on very little sleep I then get to catch a few more hours sleep before waking up and driving back. This wouldn't be too bad if my CD player worked. Right now it is not just broken, but spiteful as well turning on at random moments and picking out the most hateful lyrics possible to spit at me before turning back off to leave me in confusion and anger. Anger more then the confusion now that I know what it is up to. When I finally make it back to my house, exhausted, and road worn, it will be time to hang out with the Sig while I can and then after what I'm sure will be another night of very little sleep it will be Easter. Easter, and our little man will be hunting eggs and all the things that Easter is great for doing when you are a kid. Then my family is going to come over, for what will probably be the last holiday I spend with them for awhile. In other words dear readers, like I said before, I am buried under the shit storm of moving. Other then that I will move on to the news.
The coyote in the Quiznos. Am I the only one that wishes this pup had felt more in the mood for a beer? How great would it have been if he had found his way in to a bar and hopped up on the counter instead of the cooler? I know a few people would have been convinced they had been slipped something in their drink. My view on it, the furry guy just wanted a sandwich, who doesn't from time to time.
The next bit of news was not as wide spread as the coyote business, but just as interesting. A 700 lb woman had to be cut out of her house the other day. She had fallen and needed emergency assistance. As the emergency personnel cut her out of her house she was reported to have a very pleasant attitude and joked about the situation. My initial reaction to this story was a thought that I know a woman well on the road to this situation, it will happen shortly after she eats her husband for not dividing up the food to the portions she feels is equal. The only difference, no one will ever know she needs help because she will refuse to use the phone due to some strange mental issue. My second reaction, I am rather amazed that a 700 pound woman was up walking around. Her legs must be really strong.
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