X-Mas & Man Covers

It's that time of year again, and I have opened the polls to see how long the neighbors will keep Santa inflated this year. Considering I live in a completely different state it may be a vast difference in decoration longevity rules around here. But I doubt it. So I am calling April for the month that Santa finally comes down. You all let me know how the rest goes.

I heard that the Oscar's are going to be affected by the writer's strike, and I laughed. That's right I laughed. I look forward to watching the Oscar Ceremony this year with out writers, I think it will be terribly interesting.

I was driving across the Causeway bridge the other day, and I noticed man hole covers, and I was forced to think 'Why?' (For those of you that have no idea what I am referring to, the Causeway is the longest bridge in the world. And it is pretty darn cool.) Anyhow, so there I am cruising along at 70 when I notice a man hole cover, and at first I think, well obviously they are there so maintenance can be performed on the bridge, but then I noticed all of the special ladders built in for this purpose. So I started thinking, why have them? Why have them all over the bridge? Is there something special down there? Hmm, maybe that is the door to Neverworld. Fitting it would be in Louisiana.

This Space Reserved

I am not sure if Walgreen's all over the country or just the ones near me have started doing this but I am very amused. There are now signs up at Walgreen's above the two nearest parking spaces (aside from the handicapped) next to the doors that say 'Reserved for expecting mothers only'. I am guessing that this is because when you become pregnant you lose the use of your legs. Or it could possibly be because of the many times that we have all heard women scream "My water broke, quick take me to Walgreen's!", that would definitely explain it. What ever the oh-so-obvious reasoning might be behind this parking transformation it leads to the possibility of a great 'breaking the news' kind of scenario. Ladies, if you have a sense of humor and you are pregnant I strongly encourage you to make use of these parking spots as a way to break the pregnancy news to someone...anyone. Because in my mind that must be what the true purpose behind them really is.

My hiatus last month was brought to us by the Little Man's birthday, visiting family, and MySpace.

I am a coffee fool, anyone that knows me knows that as a fact. More so though, I am a coffee snob I order my whole bean and have it vacuum sealed and shipped to me. No problem there, I drink some awesome coffee ordered through a great vendor. My problem has been in trying to find espresso that lives up to my coffee. I am open to suggestions.

Hallow's Eve in the Crescent City

Anyone who has ever spent any time in New Orleans will tell you that it is a world unto itself. Most places of great size have defining trade marks and cultures that make them cities unlike any other, but at least when you're there everything still has the familiar quality that ties it in to the rest of the country we know so well. New Orleans lacks that familiarity. Everything is different down here folks. Strange and beautiful with a strong undertone of tragedy and a high over tone of showman ship. new Orleans is a city that has seen disaster after disaster, and unfortunately I believe that some part of it is just waiting for the next great moment of sorrow, something else that will work it's way in to the amazing tapestry that is the city's history. Now, with that said, can you imagine the city at Halloween? Ah, the Garden District transforms in to a layer of spider webs and ghouls and everything takes on this aire of anticipation. I love it. Not to mention Magazine Street has some pretty awesome costume shops on it!

It has been a long week but good on my end. I survive well in the corporate world and it is at the end of a week like this when I can remember that.

This post is terribly short because I find it necessary to run out the door and live. The little man's birthday is right around the corner and I must go get scary party supplies for a Halloween themed party. That's my boy, loves Halloween as much as The Sig and I do. but then again I'm not sure what I should expect from someone who is turning five. Although I must say if that kid decides to change the design of his cake one more time I'm going to scream!

It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like...

I know my absence has been long and painful, but fear not I have not been eaten by an alligator nor have I been dragged in to the murky Louisiana swamps by a swamp monster. No I have just been dealing with ridiculous Charter Cable and their absolute refusal to follow up on a order that I have had in for cable Internet. They failed to show up for installation so many times they blocked my phone number...seriously. And now that I am back in the world of the technologically normal I can once again delight you with my observances of the utter ridiculous.

Let's start with the fact that I walked in to the dreaded Walmart in the middle of September to find the employees hanging Christmas decorations. I also found this phenomenon in Walgreens. You need a good laugh, just walk in to one of the Wal-stores and check out the giant inflatable Santa hanging out next to the inflatable skeleton on a Harley. Consumer marketing at it's most amusing folks. Although as a parent of a small one this kind of tweeks me the wrong way. Does anyone else have any idea how annoying it is to hear the words "Oh look, Santa! I wonder what he'll bring me this year because I've been so good! Do you think we can buy a pumpkin to carve yet?" Just one more reminder about how much money I spend every year around the holiday seasons. Way to start giving me a minor stroke in September Wal-stores!

On to other fronts, it looks like I'm headed out to California for a visit next month. (If everything goes right with my flight) So Californians... and you know who you are... rejoice, I give up.

Living in Louisiana, for those of you who have wondered about our move, has been pretty great. There's really nothing like working in the Central Business District in New Orleans. I often lunch on Magazine in the Garden District, or walk to the French Quarter for some exercise. Good times. But we don't live in the city, and that is wonderful to me. We live in a nice house that seems to be a refuge to tree frogs. Considering how much our family likes frogs we are all doing just fine with this arrangement. The only thing that slightly bothers me is that our house is haunted, but then again we are in the creepiest state in the U.S. so I really don't know why I expected any less.

And since so much has happened in the news since I last spoke out I doubt that I will say much. I must comment on one thing though, and that's Brittney Spears.

For those of you that do not understand or know about my intense fascination with Brittney lets just say that I have always felt like someone sitting at a train station waiting and watching for that moment a switch was accidentally missed and the train derailed in to a fire ball of chaos. Little did I know that at Spears station more trains would keep being sent in to prevent the passengers from being late. I almost called the only other person I know is enjoying this fiasco as much as I am to say "Oh my God, K-Fed got the kids!!!" Brittney, thanks for keeping us entertained.

It's Hard To Say Good-Bye

I leave tomorrow, and today has been a very emotional day for me. I had to post something, so this is it.

I will post again on the other side of a very long move.

I Know A Fat Chick Who Digs Mayonnaise

I look at the diets of my friends around me who complain about their weight and I am forced to wonder if they realize how fattening mayonnaise is. My diet lacks in things, I have lapses of judgement, splurges, and sometimes even mayonnaise. I am not above turning the hard core finger upon myself, but the day I start dipping fast food into mayo like it was made to be a dipping sauce then I want someone to harpoon me, because I'm going to need it. Blah. And don't even get me started on the rest of the perks that we are taking as glorified liberties with our eating habits. For example, ranch dressing is like mayonnaise, not everything is meant to be dipped in it. Not all food has to be fried, really it doesn't. I swear to you in the south you can get corn on the cob fried, it's just wrong. Vegetables are your friends as long as they are not deep fried and smothered in gravy. I believe in fried foods, gravy, ranch,and even mayonnaise but I do not believe they need to be eaten with every meal. Then there is bar-b-que sauce, nothing needs to be drowned in this tasty sauce. And if you partake in these foods entirely too much, do us all a favor and adjust your wardrobe accordingly. Please.

On moving news, I will be fleeing my current state and venturing farther south at the end of next week. I am very stressed out, very busy, and I think it might be possible that I could snap at any minute.

On snapping at any minute news, I am amazed that I managed to keep my composure (translates in to cursing at the top of my lungs instead of following every stupid rubber necker in front of me to where ever they where going and planting car bombs on their vehicles.) That is definitely the only thing I will not miss about this area! The way people drive in this entire state is amazingly stupid. Anyway, I was driving in to work yesterday and all of the sudden traffic comes to a halt on the interstate, I think 'Great another wreck.' People around here are awful about rubber necking. Boy was I wrong. Those idiots were stopping because there was a cop on the side of the highway, just sitting there. I'm sorry, but when in the hell did a police vehicle become a stop sign??? He should have given them a ticket for blocking traffic, and another for being stupid! I still want to hurt these people. But I'm just happy I managed to keep that vessel in my forehead from blowing. Yay for me.

Now...On to regular news.
Has everyone heard about Alec Baldwin? Everyone heard the tape that was leaked out by Kim Basingers' lawyers mother? Anyone left think he is still a nice guy? Amazing how insane some people can go even though they have the money for proper treatment. Sad really.

Aside from crazy celebrities there is real news out there. Of course we have all heard about the college massacre. A horrible moment for our country's history. My condolences to all the victims friends and family. Am I the only one that feels that the college needs some kind of emergency plan of action for the evacuation of the school due to crazies? Might be good to draw up, just in case. You know it does not seem very likely that an attack will happen at a school more then once, but it seems like their track record is not that great so they might just want to prepare for the worst and hope for they best. Sad that so many lives were lost, and even more futures altered, lives changed, and dreams destroyed. What are we becoming when something like this happens in our schools, to the youth of our country, the people who will make our future?

Another atrocity that I feel needs to have wider coverage is the story of the young journalism major at Columbia University. She was held captive, tortured and continuously raped for 19 hours on April 13th. I encourage you all to go to MSNBC and read the full article under the crime and punishment section. The guy cut her eye lids and then set the futon she was tied to on fire. The least we could do is recognize her case, and her attacker.

On to personal screwing with people news~ I believe that screwing with people might be my soul purpose in life, and if you do it right it not only adds amusement to your day but to the day of the screwie as well. For example, just start asking for random odd condiments if you get fast food or take out. Ask for mustard when you get a yogurt at McDonalds, or better yet ranch. Demand salsa with your sopapilla, or soy with your coconut ice cream. Give them something to talk about. Walk in to Fed-Ex and ask them how you could mail a gerbil, then ask them if it would help if it was dead. Intentionally get a ticket from a campus cop, then go to court to contest it. When the campus patrol man does not show up present your side of the case as a 'getting me back for calling him a rent-a-cop' motive. The judge will have a good laugh and the ticket will be thrown out (trust me). These things are a interesting way of channeling all that awful soul destroying stress we all get. Plus, I'm sure we have all had days where some one has done something so off for that situation you kept revisiting it in your minds eye and it brought with it a healthy laugh. Spread the laughter. Alec Baldwin could stand to do something odd like that every once in a while, it would help.

Slacker

I'm sure most of you, dear readers, are close to giving up on me. I have left a void where my sarcastic daily rant would normally be, and though you think I'm ignoring you, I swear I am not. My dearest readers, I have been buried under the shit storm that is moving to another state. If any of you have had a turn of events that has brought about a very large move for you then I am sure you understand. However, the person reading this and nodding thinking to him/her self 'I've done that!' when all you did was make a hour move, you need to stop thinking you understand. You need to stop right now because you don't. In fact, unless you have made a move of no less then 12 hours one way then I do not want to have you come up to me while I am putting my life in boxes and tell me about your harrowing journey of one hour away. Especially if I was the one that helped you move. That was really only aimed at a handful of people, most have enough common sense just to say, "Wow Wickkett, that sucks. Need help with that box?" That is what most people would do how ever I seem to be surrounded by morons lately. I get the feeling that the IQ of the public is lessening as my stress level is growing. But come on I know it's not all just me and I will give you examples.

1. A guy called me the other day and asked me how to spell Joe. It would have been a little more understandable if this was not his second time to ask. I almost said, "T-E-D, Joe." But he probably would have started writing out Ted on everything.
2. A whole bunch of people thought that Donald Trump would lose a bet, and a staged bet at that. I bring this up though and what do you think happens? I have a group of people trying to defend the validity of wrestling.
3. People keep calling me and beginning the conversation with "Duh...duh..." We really should do something to stop the inbreeding.
4.Another brilliant phone call was actually received by a friend and co-worker of mine, but since the perp is the ever present thorn in my ass I must repeat his crime here. He called and asked her what his phone said, he wanted to check his caller ID title, however he just asked her what his phone said. I blew a nut when I heard this, the proper answer to that question is -Ring Ring-!

Now these are just four run of the mill examples. I have to drive to that far off distant state we are moving to tomorrow so I'm sure I will have far more tales of stupidity to bring back to you. Yes, I'm leaving tomorrow during work to drive for a unhealthy amount of time by my onesies so I can catch a few hours sleep and then go and interview at a few places. After trying to charm people on very little sleep I then get to catch a few more hours sleep before waking up and driving back. This wouldn't be too bad if my CD player worked. Right now it is not just broken, but spiteful as well turning on at random moments and picking out the most hateful lyrics possible to spit at me before turning back off to leave me in confusion and anger. Anger more then the confusion now that I know what it is up to. When I finally make it back to my house, exhausted, and road worn, it will be time to hang out with the Sig while I can and then after what I'm sure will be another night of very little sleep it will be Easter. Easter, and our little man will be hunting eggs and all the things that Easter is great for doing when you are a kid. Then my family is going to come over, for what will probably be the last holiday I spend with them for awhile. In other words dear readers, like I said before, I am buried under the shit storm of moving. Other then that I will move on to the news.

The coyote in the Quiznos. Am I the only one that wishes this pup had felt more in the mood for a beer? How great would it have been if he had found his way in to a bar and hopped up on the counter instead of the cooler? I know a few people would have been convinced they had been slipped something in their drink. My view on it, the furry guy just wanted a sandwich, who doesn't from time to time.

The next bit of news was not as wide spread as the coyote business, but just as interesting. A 700 lb woman had to be cut out of her house the other day. She had fallen and needed emergency assistance. As the emergency personnel cut her out of her house she was reported to have a very pleasant attitude and joked about the situation. My initial reaction to this story was a thought that I know a woman well on the road to this situation, it will happen shortly after she eats her husband for not dividing up the food to the portions she feels is equal. The only difference, no one will ever know she needs help because she will refuse to use the phone due to some strange mental issue. My second reaction, I am rather amazed that a 700 pound woman was up walking around. Her legs must be really strong.

So Many Kinds Of Wrong

I have known a lot of deviants and sickos in my days, in fact that is a requirement before a person can count themselves amongst my friends. My friends are a different breed of deviant then the ones I always post about up here. I have been unfortunate enough to run across a few that I do expect to read about in the news one day, I suppose that is just a casualty of growing up in California. However the fruit cake I read about in the news today might actually beat all of the deviants and sickos I have known or known of in some strange animal fornicating genre. Dear readers, in today's news I bring you the dead deer f*cker story.

Brian James Hathaway, a man with a new reason behind hunting, has been convicted for having sex with a dead deer. And if you all have the same mental image in your mind that I do then I am sure that you too are wondering exactly how he managed to hold the thing up. Deer are usually heavy and lets face it the only alternative to lifting it up to thrust would be another very awkward and uncomfortable position involving bare knees and a lot of rocks. Oh yeah, I know I'm turned on, I think I'll run out and go hunting right now. As if the dead deer sex wasn't enough, this guy has a prior conviction for killing a horse with the intention of having sex with it. So he's a repeat offender and he is escalating, watch out for your moose around him. He gives a whole new meaning to horse back riding doesn't he? After reading this article and finding myself both equally amused and disturbed I could not help but think, at least it just seems to be a fetish for dead animals. At least it is not a fetish for dead people.

In the normal events of my life, today is one of those days humanity should be happy that I do not carry a gun on me at all times. I would be one of those people who shot a large portion of the herd and then ended my spree in a hail of bullets. Well, not really, but I might shoot one particularly annoying person today in the knee. I prefer to make them suffer.

I have to pack after going to the gym tonight, and my head already hurts just thinking about it. Who in their right mind likes packing? It is the biggest baddest game of tetris out there, except the pieces are not all perfect and they don't flip, drop, or move at the touch of a button. Blah.

I dreamt about the next Harry Potter book last night. They had put it out on the shelves but they were refusing to sell it. For a moment in time, dream world or not, I thought about doing something very unpleasant to a book store. Blasphemy. I woke up feeling guilty.

Must Be Dead

I have decided that there is a mummifying body in a neighborhood next to mine. Why else would the person who occupied it leave a 9ft wire light up snow man up for so long? I think I need to scope out the house and see if there is any activity coming or going, if not I'm sooo calling the cops! I refuse to be that person that is on the news saying things like "Well, we just thought Jeff went on vacation." Actually I would not be interviewed, I would refuse. Has anyone ever seen an interview with a person that lives in a southern state, it doesn't matter how educated you are they are either going to make you sound inbred or in the case of the Weather Channel actually go out and find the family in Deliverance. Yeah, we do not all live in trailers that get blown away by tornadoes while we play the banjo and fornicate with our sister. Don't believe the weather channel, they lie! I do think that I need to ask the cops to investigate this house though. If the guys not dead perhaps they can write him a ticket for being lazy and ridiculously tacky.

I have been on vacation which is my excuse for not posting in a week.

I will also be moving soon, I am not one to post where I live because of the monkeys. Yeah, I know about the monkeys...you thought you had me fooled, but I know. I hate moving though, especially when it is a big move and there are animals involved and I think our house comes close to qualifying as a zoo. Which speaking of animals our female gerbils had babies, I think someone lied to me.

In the news today-
It looks like Anna's boyfriend is going to get away with murder. Sorry, Anna, someone failed you.

Mummified

Mummified bodies keep popping up in the news. Normally they would be people discovered by anthropologists and I would be very excited on the insight provided on their culture by the find. How ever, lately mummified bodies of people from our own culture are being found in their homes left and right leaving me less excited and slightly horrified. I have taken to watching my neighbors to make sure none of them just go absent for a period of time. The moment they do I will be the first person on the phone with the cops to come and investigate what my mind is telling me is the smell of decomposition. I started to think about it quite a bit with the last mummified neighbor discovered down in Texas, I'm sure we can all think of at least one person we know of that could die and go undiscovered. I can think of two right off the top of my head, two very sad friendless people who seem to enjoy a life of drunken self serving solitude. I am sure all of us know some one who needs some kind of social or mental help, or perhaps just someone who is so intolerably self righteous that they have driven off anyone that came close to being a friend. In other words someone who would die and go unnoticed until the tax man came calling. It creeps me out, who knows what house might hold the mummifying corpse of someone I used to see walking around the neighborhood. And really, since there are only two neighbors I talk to it could very easily be going on right now. We are turning in to a reclusive society brought on by random acts of violence and the inability to trust anyone. Sad. The crazy lady across the street has yet to mummify, I would notice if that whack job disappeared. I also take comfort in knowing that I am not one of those people who could mummify unnoticed in my home. We have far to many people coming over to have a absence go unnoticed, you know who you are, plus there are a couple of people at work who would physically bust down the door to slap me around if I disappeared. I have to wonder if the people who are and have lived a life unnoticed even realize it. Hmmm, like I said before it's just sad.

Another tidbit from the news a serial lingerie thief has finally been caught in Tokyo. The man has been on the loose carrying out his sick pantie thieving plans for about six years now. Six years, that's a long time to have to carry out pantie thieving, in fact if you are a master at climbing like this serial thief then you know that means you could steal 2 or 3 pair a day! That's right when they totaled all the found undies up it tallied out to 3,977 pair of panties, 355 bras, and 10 pairs of stockings. I have to admit, I'm impressed.

A new species of big cat was found. I'm thrilled, I love new species and I love big cats so this all gravy in my book. The cat is known as the Borneo Clouded Leopard, and I encourage you all to go watch the footage of it on Reuters. It is a gorgeous creature, and since it has now been found who knows how long it will have before we kill them all off.

While on Reuters I also suggest you read about the $1000.00 pizza. Yeah, I thought it sounded like a waste of money too.

Vegas Royalty

So, The Stardust in Las Vegas has died. Murdered to make way for a modern resort that will cost billions and is projected to be completed in 2010. But I ask that we take a moment and think about what we have lost. Some might think it was just a trashy tinsel building from a trashy tinsel town, and part of me is inclined to agree with you, but there is always that other side. The other side says that this hotel and casino was a record breaker in many ways from the day it was designed. It was the largest in Las Vegas for a long period of time, the venue that brought us Sigfreid and Roy, had notorious and public mob connections, and was given the largest fine ever issued by the Nevada Gaming Commission. This building as shady as it sometimes was held a wide variety of entertainments and was ever changing to please the public. It housed the famous and long past Aku Aku Polynesian restaurant with the even more popular Tiki Bar. At one time the hotel was the pinnacle of prestige, but like so many of the places and people made popular in that era it grew to be more of a symbol for the times. Never with out grander, the hotel once sought after by Howard Hughes, it went out with as much excitement as it came in. So we bid farewell to The Stardust, with all the trashy Las Vegas glamor that it held on to from the time of movie stars and the mob. Never again will anyone imagine that Elvis has walked those famous corridors one last time, day dream about the Rat Pack, or go to see Wayne Newton croon with perfect hair to a drunken crowd. There are still remnants of The Stardust around, and I am sure there always will be. You will always be able to visit those things in museums and know that some parts of Vegas will never really die.

By the by, James Brown was finally buried on Saturday in his daughters back yard. I'm not going to say anything about the choice of resting because I am just relieved he has finally been laid to rest some where.

Bury Your Dead

In all the Anna Nicole business the nation seems to have forgotten something. It is slightly understandable since Anna has eclipsed all forms of news since her death. Now the country is a buzz with the possibility of murder in her story so I am sure we will continue to hear about every Anna moment on the news for a very long and undetermined amount of time. But as our attention has been forced on Anna there is another fallen celebrity we seem to have forgotten about. Not that I spend my time fretting over celebrities, but when they are shoved in to your face repeatedly you are often forced to notice what their most recent exploits are. The fallen and too soon forgotten celebrity however was not shoved in my face, in fact a very small news link drew my attention and forced me to follow. After reading it, and feeling rather disgusted, I must say, "Will some one please, PLEASE, bury James Brown?" I mean come on! The king of soul died on Christmas, I can honestly say that he died last year and he remains unburied. He is also facing his own babies daddy issues, a common occurrence these days bringing up the concern about why these people are role models yet again. Baby daddyness aside, can we please respect the man, his music, or just the dead itself enough to either cremate him or bury him already? So far 2007 has been a celebrity obsessed necrophiliacs dream come true.

Speaking of celebrity tripe, will some one please tell the pope to lay off Bob Dylan. The man is a world changing figure representing free thinking, activism, poetry, music, and just the possibility of the greatness of life itself. What is so wrong with that? The last pope liked Dylan, but according to the new pope the last one was wrong and Bob Dylan is a false prophet. I just want to know why the one person in contact with God, according to the Catholic faith, can not take a solid stand on one man. One very great man, at that. Surely if Dylan was a false prophet then it would have been known to the last pope. Hmmm, I think the new pope should just admit that it is he himself that can not appreciate Dylan's words, and quit sending mixed messages.

And now that I have disagreed with the pope very loudly and openly I shall call it a day.

Look The Other Way

I always have intentions of fitting more then I possibly can in to a day. Or of waking up just early enough to drink my cup of coffee before I have to start my day. I think a lot of us must do this. I think not being sixteen any more has really hit home on this one. You remember what sixteen was like right? Sixteen year olds can function on zero sleep with nothing but Mountain Dew fueling their bodies. Then again sixteen also meant having my spine bent in a very uncomfortable position since my head decided it needed to be lodged up my butt! Now that I think about it I would rather have my eyes open (and in the air) then the endless energy of a teenager. I guess some things will just have to fall through the cracks and some days we will have to look the other way. Today this page has found a crack, so we turn our heads politely.

Own Up

I have had enough of people not owning up to their mistakes. For example there are a couple of women that have been arrested for armed robbery, they are eighteen and there fore they are going to be prosecuted as adults. No problem in that decision in my eyes, but now their family members are stepping up and crying out that the legal adults are just really misguided little girls who are terribly sorry for their mistake. Ahem, excuse me for pointing out the obvious, but by the age of eighteen haven't most people been taught that robbing a bank is never a good idea? I know by the age of eighteen I knew very well that if I was going to rob a bank I would most likely get caught and go to jail for a very long time. As I have no desire in being turned in to anybodies bitch I have stayed on the non-bank robbing side of the law. Will someone please slap these women for thinking their mommies can save them and slap the mothers upside their heads for raising stupid children. Come on people just own up to the responsibility, you did it, you are on tape, you where caught in the get away car for the love of all things minty, just say "I was caught, I was stupid!" These women laughed on camera while pulling the job, they were having a good time with it all, and I am sure they would not have felt a single regret if they had managed to get away with it.
It's not just these two masters of crime though, every where you look our society has fallen to the 'It's not my fault' virus. If you did it then it is your fault, accept it. I don't care if you were adopted and you are angry about that you do not now or ever have the excuse to murder a homeless man! I don't care if you are a drunk, you do not have the right to steal a wedding video, it is just morally wrong! People like this will be taken to court and be prosecuted in one way or the other. They should just own up to their stupidity, their mistakes, and quit blaming the problems they have not been strong enough to deal with. We all have problems, and if killing, stealing, lying, and just acting completely morally corrupt was an acceptable way of dealing with these problems then my backyard would look like the after math of the battle at Thermopylae! That said, I move on to other news.

28 packages left China containing body parts destined for a medical research lab. The catch is that there was a problem with the delivery service and these packages have been scattered about the country. A Michigan couple received two packages they expected to contain furniture parts. They were greatly surprised to find one human liver and one human head. So, if you get any strange packages from China be warned and expect something grisly.

It is the Sig's birthday today! Happy 28th dearest.

Bringing Back Recess

The little man came back from his vacation this last weekend, and needless to say life is far less interesting at home then at Disney World and Mardi Gras but we have been trying to keep it interesting. He went to Chucky Cheese with his girlfriend for her birthday, and tonight they are going to bake cookies together. Let's face it, cookie time is always a good time! He is happy to be back at school with all his little friends, and who could blame him, he is at the perfect age. That age of no homework mostly arts and crafts as school work, and nap time! He even gets to start off the morning with recess. I was thinking about this earlier, I would be happy too if I could start off everyday with 15 minutes devoted to sliding and swinging. Think about it, wouldn't we all be happier if we could just go slide or swing before we went to our respective jobs everyday? Oh, and let us not forget nap time! I've read that the Japanese trend of corporate naps is catching on in the big cities, I love this idea. There are some days that I would love to lay my head down for 30 minutes and take a little snooze. So I think we should reinstate these practices that we gave up as we grew older. I am sure we would find ourselves happier and more productive on the whole.

For all of you wondering about my absence I appreciate the concern, my root canal went alright, and I have been in vicodin land since last Thursday. I try to refrain from writing anything that will be read by others while I'm in vicodin land, it just works for the best if I stay away from others in that state.

Now on to the news...

Al Gore won a Oscar, is anyone else as amused by this as I am? He, in my opinion, was probably the best thing about the Oscars this year. Not that I am a huge Oscar fan, I find it all rather pompous, but there are fleeting moments of interest now and then. Anyone know if Reagan ever won an Oscar? I'll have to check in to that one. I want to know who was the first politician to reach Oscar status, and why more of them have not. Politicians are after all some of the best actors I have ever seen.

Anna Nicole remains unburied. I have to wonder how long people are going to be stupid regarding her death, because let's face it, this whole thing is stupid and greedy. Why is it so hard to understand that a mother would want to be buried next to her child? Any parent would if they lost there child before they themselves went. It is sad, just sad that so many people are still trying to use her even in death. Poor Anna.

The presidential hopefuls are coming out in droves and strings of lights that show bare their images have gone up on Amazon. No joke, strings of lights featuring our presidential candidates and the year with either a donkey or elephant. I ask what better why to show your political support is there then tacky lights? Oh, yeah, I know what I'm hanging on my front porch come Christmas time. Look out world, here comes my Snoopy for President porch lights!

Don't Ask Don't Tell

Today's post is going to be amazingly short. Why? Because I'm not a very happy person right now. I have been infected by a bronchial something and I need a root canal. This leads to a very unhappy and very angry Wickkett. And the world trembles with the might of my toothy wrath. Actually, I think I have just lost my mind. It explains my behavior a little more.

In the news today Wyoming declared that it is taking steps to create laws making life a little harder on sexual offenders. Considering at the moment Wyoming is viewed as a sexual offender haven where they do not have to register, can live near schools and play grounds, and can even live in the same house as a minor, I am forced to wonder what has taken them so long? Sexual offenders are actually calling other sexual offenders and convincing them to move there! Are they setting up a hot line? They must be since over half of Wyoming's sexual offender population have moved there with prior records. Well Wyoming, I do hope you manage to get your whole predator problem under control. On a side note, I personally will never live in in that state.

Also, a thought to keep us all occupied: Did you know condoms are tested for our safety? More then that, you can buy the condoms that failed those tests in bulk from the condom factories. Now isn't that fun.

Teenagers and Hillbillies

Ever noticed the high volume of teenagers and hillbillies in bowling alleys? I do not often have the opportunity to find myself in the bowling alley, mainly because every time I do decide to go real bowling (instead of Wii bowling) I find myself surrounded by thirteen year olds and tooth missing wonders fresh from the foothills. I think I need to stick with Wii bowling, as much fun as I find regular bowling it takes more will power then I have to be able not to kill the fifteen thirteen year olds sharing the lane adjacent to mine. I am beginning to believe that it's just me, that I have developed an intolerance to anyone from the ages 12-14 sometimes immature 15 year olds as well. I suppose I feel that since I do not have to deal with that level of selfish b.s. until little man hits that age group that I should not have it forced upon me in a public place. Let's face it, with my out spoken not so sunny attitude this means that I have a very hard time not bitch-slapping some minors and landing myself in jail for a very long time when they manage to do very stupid things. For example - If you get your bowling ball lodged in the gutter someone own up to the bowling guy instead of standing around shuffling fifteen pairs of feet and occasionally looking at I or The Sig as if we are going to do anything to about it. Do you think any of them actually went to ask the bowling guy for help? No, that would make to much sense. Bowling guy's child slave (I can only assume that is what this kid was) eventually notices the problem and strolls down the alley to fix it before returning to his slave stool. We left shortly after our last frame. I think the only thing worse then the teenagers in a bowling alley are the trailer trash rejects guzzling beer with straws stuck through gaps from their missing teeth. They hoot, they holler, they get feisty, and they drunkenly make out with their sister. They do bowl a pretty impressive game, but they are the walking reminder of why the south has a very bad reputation, and why higher education is a necessity. It will be awhile before I do any kind of bowling aside from Wii bowling!

Anyone hear about the mummy found in New York? A man was found in front of his television in his living room mummified last Thursday. He hadn't been seen since December 2005, his neighbors assumed he was in a long term care facility, no one realized he was slowly mummifying in front of his television due to the low humidity in his house. The television was still blaring when the police found him while responding to a routine broken pipe call. My comment on this is simple : Do you know of anyone other then a dead guy that could get away without paying his bills for over a year and not get cut off? Poor Lucky had to go through the cable ordeal from hell after missing one payment on accident!

Sex Sells, Even Manatee Sex

Happy Valentine's Day all. Even if you have been chewed up and spit out by the razor like chompers of love then Happy Excuse To Eat Chocolate Until You Puke Day! I hope all expectations for the day are met, and if they are not, then I hope we can find a way to exact swift revenge together. Contact me for revenge ideas, I have a great one involving minnows, bologna, and a gas tank I have been itching to try out.

The Sig and I attempted to watch The Libertine last night. I say attempted because about half way through the movie the Sig wandered off to do something else with one of our friends. The acting was well done, the cinematography was not amazing but it also wasn't bad, the language was gorgeous, and all in all I would recommend it because it also had a interesting story. It was, however, the closest thing to a artistic porn I have ever seen. Do not watch it if you are feint of heart, it has some very graphic scenes, in fact it is all one long graphic scene. But if you can stand sex and giant wooden moving phallic images then the movie will be worth your time. I just want to make sure you are pre-warned.

Anyone hear about the exotic animal sex tours a number of zoos around the country are offering? That's right! Nothing says 'I Love You' more than taking your darling to watch animals have sex at the zoo. Not enough you say? Well then you are in luck! You not only get to catch a mating or two of the exotic but you will also have the opportunity to eat dinner out side of the manatee tank where an orgy could break out at any moment! After all the manatee is the hippie of the animal kingdom. Still not enough, hmm? Alright, fine then, if you're going to be a die hard romantic, you can also hear interesting facts about the length, shape, and weight of certain animal's penises, and about how they mate. There that should do it for you! Are you feeling romantic yet? Think you'll impress your date with a evening full of romantic animal sex? Yeah, I don't think I want to know the answer to that question. I will sleep better with out worrying about the rising percentage of bestiality.

Happy Love Day...don't sleep with the wild life.

Letter

Dear Mr. E-Mail Guy-

Thank you for your constant presence in my life, but I am going to have to ask you if we could end this relationship. You see, it has become overly obvious that you know nothing about me! I am not obese, and so therefore I do not need weight loss drugs or surgery. Two things which you seem to think I need a lot of. I do not have horrible skin, or scarring, so I do not need the creams and free ointments you want me to except. My hair is not falling out, and I'm happy it's not. You seem to think it is how ever, and you think I need a special shampoo for this.
I do not need your pity, because I am not desperately broke (most of the time), so please keep your limited time free offers, clearance sales, and one time only deals to yourself. I also know that I may be a lucky person but I am not lucky enough to win all the free things you want to send to me.
Oh, I also do not have a small penis or need my lover to give me longer and stronger nights. With that said please keep your penis e-mails to yourself.
E-Mail guy, it has been a long relationship, and it hurts me because I never just get an e-mail wondering how my day is going or if I am doing well. Instead I have to face the fact that after all of these years you do not know me, and I have to wonder if you ever really did. I have never been the obese, acne ridden, scarred, bald, poor, sadly endowed, sexually unsatisfied, and yet extremely lucky person you seem to think I am. I'm sorry E-mail Guy, but this relationship is over. I know it's hard to except this close to Valentine's Day, but you'll move on, in fact I'm sure you already have.

P.S. - I am still waiting for the flat screen t.v. I won four months ago.

Sincerely,
Wickkett

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Valentines Day

I'm having a issue with something, nothing new there, but the something has changed. I am forced to wonder if people are just being lazy or if perhaps the crummy weather has had something to do with it. I also thought it was just a local epidemic but I found out this weekend, while on vacation, that it has gone outside of the scope of my own little universe. The problem I am referring to are the lingering Christmas decorations that remain up. I know we all love that time of year, the joy that is in the air in almost palpable, children's eyes are a glow with delight. Heck, it's the closest thing to magic most of us ever know, and we want to hold on to that as long as possible, but enough is enough. I think there should be a time line on the giant Frostie's and inflatable Santa's on motorcycles, and it should end the first weekend past the New Year. Any time after that just looks lazy and more than a little tacky! I am plotting a new activity for this weekend, and I encourage all of you to join in with me. First start by drinking a lot of caffeine at about 6pm Friday, in preparation for the nights activities. Now if you are not fortunate (or unfortunate) enough to own a truck you can still participate. We can call it the great after Christmas ornament swapping weekend. Let's take the giant light up Frostie and swap him with the inflatable Santa. We can take the wreath down from our neighbor's doors and swap them with those of people across town. By Saturday I would be willing to lay money down that those people will get off their duff's and except that Christmas is over. And personally, I always find messing with people a enjoyable past time!

Unfortunate news today, the KKK is seeing it's largest surge of new members since the 1960's due to the countries immigration issues. Is it just me or did we not all decide these people were evil hate mongering quacks quite some time ago? Hate is never a good thing people, let's try to remember that.

Well...That's Happy

There's just all kinds of death in the news today, some people deserve it, most do not. However, I'm sure the first death that came to mind is that of Anna Nicole Smith. Personally I don't have any strong feelings either way about the publicly acclaimed 'blond bombshell' but I have noticed a lot of very mean things flying around out there about her. Come on people, have enough respect for human life to keep your tacky comments to yourself! If you did not know the woman personally I doubt you are qualified to give any kind of opinion of her! I must say though, I do have two opinions regarding Anna Nicole; First, if you marry a very old man and you have to act as his wife for any period of time you earned the money! Second, sad, it's just sad.

Anyone else a little annoyed that they have yet to bury James Brown? A soul legend, pretty kookie, and apparently 'high on nuthin but God'. He deserves to at least be put in the ground in a timely fashion, or possibly come back as a zombie and start devouring his many children. That's right the king of soul is back, and he's bringing the pain! And all anyone could say if he did come back is that if they would have done his memory any justice than he wouldn't have been able to escape.

I had a sudden realization that I feel bad for Freddie Prince Jr., just a random thought out of the blue this morning. But I do, poor guy, he's had it kind of rough.

The Sig and I are off for a romantic get away this weekend. We are unable to bring Boo-Boo so she is a sad little puppy. She's currently being Yorkie-sat by people that will not let her sleep in their bed, and she is not happy about this. Neither am I for that matter, but what are you gonna do?

Good weekends to all!

Peanuts Unite!

Top news today comes from my own little corner of the world. Last night during Lost the local news ran one of it's many commercial spots for the ten o'clock news. We've all seen the promos for the news, and if any of you out there are like me then you read enough news during the day to make you detest the local news at night. Close minded you might think, but I look at it as the only thing standing between myself and a twelve gauge on most days. Let's face it if I had to hear about all the bull carried out in my immediate location there would be far more acts of vigilante justice then the government would be able to smile on. Anyway, a promo pops up and the lead story...peanuts are being banned from one local school due to six kids having an allergy. Six, and this is not a small school. So now there are signs posted all over the school proclaiming the school to be nut free! Large posters of peanuts with slashes through them, and parents talking about how much better they feel knowing their children are now safe from peanuts. I love the ridiculousness of this, I really hope you all know how much I love this. The Sig and I laughed ourselves silly.

Peanut banning aside, I read a horrible news piece this morning about a school that covered up the molestation of a six year old resulting in four other six year olds being molested. Horrible as the story itself is, the school is fighting allegations that protecting the children was their responsibility. I can not even begin to express to you how disgusting I find these people.

Where is that fine line? The one between ridiculousness and criminal? I always thought the line was painted in bright red and five miles wide but the more I hear and read these days about the happenings of our world I am seriously beginning to question if the line has faded or if all the people in positions of educational power have lost their ever loving senses!

Rest assured your child will not be exposed to peanut butter, but they might get fondled in a bathroom. How's that for higher education?

Harry, Oh Harry

The news was pretty happy today. Lots of pedophiles getting caught all over the world. Let's give it up to the Austrian police for busting a child pornography ring and catching almost 3,000 of the members all over the world. Hopefully that means that a lot of children will be spared their abusive company. Personally, I think we should bring back cutting things off as a legal punishment. What do you want to bet we would see sexual crimes drop drastically? Cut a few people's junk off and suddenly the risk isn't really worth it any more. And if that is what happens on the first offense think about the penalty for a repeat offender. I'm sure most of you think this is approach is too harsh, which is just testimony as to why I will never hold any form of office. I'm too mean, too tough, people would attempt to assassinate me, and amazingly enough I would not back down. I wouldn't back down because I truly feel that anyone who inflicts horror upon another should learn true horror in return. Perhaps if we make them suffer, instead of locking them away some place that is climate controlled and supplied with cable they will be less inclined to repeat their mistake. Campaign slogan - Wickkett for president, lower crime OR ELSE!

The Sig and I sunk to a whole new level of geekiness last night while at Barnes and Noble. (One of the best stores in the world!) When we entered there was a very large eye catching sign that told us we could reserve our copy of the newest, and sadly the last, Harry Potter book. I'm sure dear readers almost all of you have read about Harry's great adventures, the statistics are on my side on this one. I'm also sure that if you have read the other six books then you are either excited about a possible pre-order or you just sat up a little straighter in you chair and I have your full attention. That's right the new Harry Potter, and the release date has been pushed back to July 21st. Pretty messed up, but at least it will be here this year! The Sig and I managed to corner a book jockey while we were there how ever, and accost her for information. Poor girl. I told the Sig that we are are sinking to a nerdy new low. We demand nerdy information and if you do not give it to us we will make fun of you in ways you do not understand until you cry with confusion!

Anyone else making it through the week on the comforting fact that a new season of Lost starts tonight? I don't consider this a low, no, I consider this one of my many addictions. I'm a functioning addict, we'll be alright until that changes.

Crazy Birds

This weekend we took a long drive to Memphis to meet my mother-in-law half way in a little man exchange. He's going with her to Disney World. Lucky little devil. That is all I am going to say about the trip, it was very eventful, as any trip would be when I'm behind the wheel for an incredibly long period of time. However, I can not bring my self to re-live it again.

Top news for me is just a few bits of fun! First and foremost, the eagles have lost their minds! Anyone else noticed the increase of insanity in our feathered friends? Let me explain...

Juneau, Alaska saw a very greedy eagle cause a power outage for 45 minutes! He was carrying a deer head and it weighed him down to the point that he could not clear some power lines. Anyone else feel like this bird kind of had it coming? I mean come on, I could not even eat an entire deer head. What I feel like happened was a gluttonous bird took out power in a place that is so remote that power outage by large endangered bird is even a option. Alaska- beautiful, slight possibility of power loss by bird.

The second crazy bird story for today comes from Australia where a pair of eagles decided to single handidly take back the sky's. Unfortunately for one para glider she was the target of the attack. I know that if I was in any situation where I was thousands of feet in the air and I was attacked by anything I would wet 'um. I encourage you all to go to Reuters and read about it! And let's give it up for the lady who survived this treacherous attacks!

And that's it for the day readers.

The World Says, "F_ck Wickkett!"

I know I have been absent for several days dear readers, and I no one is sorrier for this absence then I. Let me start with a rundown of Wednesday for you.

Wednesday

5:00 am- The alarm clock goes off alerting me to the new day and the need to drag my carcass out of bed and find the energy to go to the gym.
5:10 am- I collapse in bed clutching my head in pain trying to fight the wave of nausea that has swept through my body. With the sickening realization that there will be no gym the alarm clock is reset and I try to sleep away a migraine before I have to go to work.
6:10 am- I manage to get up, my head still hurts but it is tolerable. I hop in the shower and go about my daily routine.
6:30 am- I run out of coffee, and the world screams a collective exclamation of horror.
7:00 am- I go out to my car to find it unexpectedly frozen over. The defrosting time makes it so I will no longer be as early as I would like.
7:15 am- A jack on the road swerves around me running a red honks his horn and flips me off in what I can only assume is a attempt to win the worlds biggest as_hole award. He almost causes a wreck and I still end up directly behind him.
7:20 am- I follow the jack that almost caused a wreck for 10 blocks causing him to look back over his shoulder extremely nervous many times.
7:30 am- A huge pillar of black smoke and many rescue personnel alert me to a very large church burning to the ground.
7:32 am- People try to block me from merging on to the freeway. They do not win. (Nor will they ever)
7:32 1/2 am- I glance over and see a massacred cow in a field.
7:33 am- I am stuck behind a cop that insists on going ten miles under the speed limit, probably just to see if anyone has the gall to pass him.
7:35 am- I have the gall.
7:47 am- A co-worker calls in at the last minute and I now have to cover for them. Which means I get to do the most boring task in the coldest part of the building. This would be a little more understandable if this person did not call in at the last minute every other day, and call in to me. I am not the one to call in to I could give a sh_t less!
8:00 am- I have to break the news to my boss that so-and-so will not be in yet again.
9:30 am- It starts to snow.
10:00 am- It is snowing a lot!
10:40 am- Employees start to run for it.
12:30 pm- My relief comes in and I leave to go and pick up little man before it's too late.
12:45 pm- The Sig looses control on a patch of ice and jacks up the Honda's tire and rim. Fortunately it was no worse.
2:00 pm- I am almost to little man's school. The roads were so bad it took that long!
2:40 pm- Little man and I make it to the grocery store after loosing control of the Dodge in several scary places. If I did not know how to drive in this weather we would have been toast on a specific hill.
3:30 pm- We make it home just as the Sig and Boo Boo are getting ready to come and search for us.
4:00 pm- It's snowing harder.
5:00 pm- I think about the sick time being stolen from my pay check, yet again, as we play Wii Sports and watch the snow fall even harder.
5:45 pm- I make a quiche for dinner.
6:00 pm- I exercise in the house and pull a hamstring.
7:20 pm- The dog disappears in a snowy yard at which point I dive in and rescue her. We both end up cold and wet.
7:30 pm- I except the fact that I will most likely not be able to make it to work in the morning, considering it is STILL snowing...hard.
8:00 pm- The Sig lights the fire, we bathe the boy, and put him to bed.
8:10 pm- Video games, and eventually bed.

I get the feeling I should have just stayed in bed to begin with.

Yesterday little man's school was closed so I stayed home. At least it wasn't as bad as Wednesday!

Enemy Union

I came very close to uniting with the guy in the black truck this morning to take out a mutual enemy in the continual road war I fight every day. A woman managed to cut both of us off this morning and for a split second, we glanced at each other through our windows, both of us had our faces contorted in annoyance, and then we started laughing. War I tell you. He zoomed off and the two of them played a very dangerous game of cat and mouse while I stayed far enough behind to feel reasonably safe. I did however consider speeding up to help the notorious guy in the black truck block her in. I'm proud of myself that I refrained from doing so.

I'm starving today. I don't know why but I have this amazing unsatisfiable hunger going on. I hate that. I know that this isn't a subject that anyone really cares about aside from myself, but you're going to read about it any way. Why? Because I'm the one typing.

Today the highlights of my news reading morning come down to three stories.

1. Child molester gets life in prison. Check the story out on MSN news, this guy deserves to be in prison and raped nightly until the day he dies. Sicko, I'm thrilled that he will no longer be a loose predator.

2. Purse snatching in church thwarted. Who goes around snatching purses in church? That's just wrong. Don't steal, period, let alone from any kind of gathering where people are worshipping what ever they believe in spiritually. Mainly because if you get caught those people will feel the right to act as the hand of what ever deity they believe in and smote your ass. In this case two men tried to make off with plastic bags of purses, and the elderly rose up and beat the tar out of them. Good for the seniors! Beat them down!

3. Mountain lion attack victim is now in critical condition. A California, bay area, hiker was attacked by a female mountain lion last week. The gentleman is in his seventies, and has a very dedicated lovely wife pictured at his side. Over the weekend his condition worsened and he is now in critical care. Everyone who has ever lived in California knows about the mountain lions, when I was little we had one that romped around in our field, but it is easy to forget. It is a grisly reminder of how low on the totem poll we really are. I hope for the best for this gentleman and his family. It's sad news. Hopefully his deity is with him.

Addict

I have several serious addictions. Nothing like black tar heroine, but addictions still. For example if I don't have some form of coffee in the morning lord help anyone that comes in contact with me. As with all addictions the coffee thing started off innocently enough, a cup here, a cup there, but then something happened. I started working mornings in a coffee shop. It went down hill from there. Fast forward a handful of years and you what do you get? A serious problem. Let me run you through a few of the changes.
1. 9 years ago- I would drink any kind of coffee.
Today- I have to have a specialty coffee shipped to my house, express mail, and vacuum sealed for the perfect taste.
2. 9 years ago- I didn't give a thought to the bean coming to me pre-ground.
Today- I actually caught myself scoffing at pre-ground coffee the other day. It's whole beans or nothing!
3. 9 years ago- I would pour some tap water in to the pot and roll with it.
Today- If it doesn't come out of a bottle it doesn't become my coffee.
4. 9 years ago- I had a tiny, sad, cheap coffee maker.
Today- I have a coffee maker that has the IQ of most accountants. Then there are the coffee makers counter parts, the grinder, and the espresso maker.
5. 9 years ago- I kept my coffee in a tin can.
Today- Seriously, vacuum sealed.
All I can say in defense to this addiction is that it could be, and probably will be, worse. I guess the first step to finding help is admitting you have a problem. I wonder if they have meetings for people like me, and if they do what kind of coffee they serve.

Another addiction that at times can be pricey is my constant reading problem. If I don't have a book to read then there is a problem with the world. As a result of this addiction I am waiting on the next book in three different series, had the images of several childhood idols destroyed, and no longer have room left in several closets due to books, I am also currently upset at four authors I have never met (two of which I adore). This is a problem.

I have other addictions, all of which I manage to control fairly well. The video game addiction might very soon become a problem. Since the Wii is just so cool, and there are a few games I think I might need. Notice the use of the word need, yeah so did I. Next week I'm sure I will be writing this from a padded cell far away from any access to my bank account, and you know, as long as they let me have my coffee and a book I'll probably be alright with it.

Lucky and Indonesia

Announcement: I finally got my Wii! That's right! And it is everything I wanted it to be and more. Pure bliss, baby. To all of you still waiting, you have my sympathy, I know how it feels.

My sister has the strangest luck of anyone I have ever known, so in reference to her from now on I will simply call her Lucky. Today I bring you a story from Lucky's life, to amuse and to remind us all that even the simplest task can take a very strange turn when we least expect it.
Enjoy...

Lucky's boyfriend forgot to send off the cable bill and as a result their cable was cut off. Funny term cut off, when it is said it conjures images of a blank screen or a lack of a dial tone, perhaps a inability to read a blog, but it rarely brings to mind a cut cable. Literally they came out to her house and cut her cable. Now if Lucky had failed to pay her cable before I might be a little more understanding of this behavior but as she had not I was just as amazed as she. By the way, when have any of you actually heard of the cable company cutting the line? Sounds like the beginning of a bad joke, right? Well, it gets stranger. Lucky does what I'm sure any of us would do and calls them. The woman who answers the customer service line not only speaks very little English, but she also has such a thick and strange accent that after a few minutes of pure confusion Lucky gives up determined to call back later. Eventually later arrives, her customer service representative on the line on this attempt also has a very thick accent but he at least speaks a little more English. Finally, Lucky asks very annoyed, "Where is it my call is going to exactly?" She glances down at the newspaper on her table while waiting for a reply. The headline on the front page 'Earthquake in Indonesia Kills Four'. The customer service reps response, "Indonesia."

Naturally.

Lucky realizing that these people are most likely more concerned with fresh drinking water, and housing, then her cable tries to contact someone else. This turned in to a strange little excursion all it's own which landed her on the phone with a commercial operator for the cable company, by this time Lucky had lost her patience, and when the gentleman suggested calling the customer representatives she lost her temper.

Lucky- "Do you know where the calls go when you call the customer help line?"
Guy- "Uh, no ma'am."
Lucky- "I thought they would go to some where at least in California, but no! You know where they go? They go to Indonesia!"
Guy- "Indonesia?"
Lucky- "Yeah, that's right, Indonesia! They just had an earthquake in Indonesia that killed four, I don't think they care about my cable right now!!! They're worried about their drinking water!"
Guy- "Ma'am I'm sorry but I can't help you."
Lucky- "Of course!"

After that happy conversation she takes the time to drive down to the cable companies office. Things would have probably gone a whole lot smoother if the woman in front of her had her cable cut off, considering she was months over due and Lucky had just forgotten to send in one payment. Well, by the time she actually reached a person she was ready to throttle him. He raised a eyebrow at her as she went through the whole story, cut cable, forgotten bill, Indonesia, earthquake, drinking water, etc. She paid her bill in full, as was her original intention, but when ever the guy tried to ask her a question she would just respond with, "INDONESIA!" Hehe, her cable gets reconnected tomorrow.

For the rest of us...I know I will not forget to pay a bill for a long time.

Rinse, Recycle, Repeat

Those recycling whacks are giving me the run around. Oh, I did not forget about them, fear not, I just have not been fortunate enough to get anywhere. They keep re-directing me. I'm fairly convinced they have a plan in action to redirect the public until the public gives up. Meanwhile, stubborn as I am, I refuse to give up. Yesterday while stuck in traffic behind one of the recycling trucks I actually saw the recycling whacks climb out of the truck open a bin, tear open a bag, and then throw it as hard as humanly possible across the bin owner's lawn. I then saw jaws drop from others stuck in traffic around me. The recycling nutt did this to every bag in the bin. I probably would have jumped out of my car and done something but I was in a hurry to get to work. However, watching the whack job do exactly what I knew they were doing just encouraged me to get in touch with some official in the department. Crazy...

In other news, did everyone hear about the Tijuana police getting their guns taken away from them? Instead they now have slingshots. I'm not entirely sure what to think about this, but no matter what I find the image of a bunch of cops surrounding a suspect slingshots raised, shouting 'Stop or we'll shoot!' Hilarious!

There is also the news of the very fortunate man who survived being swallowed by a great white in Australia. He was out diving with his son, and some friends when a ten foot great white attacked. The gentleman is doing well, and I encourage you all to read his full story on Reuters. Poor guy, I think I would be in a padded cell for a long time if I was swallowed by anything!

The last bit of news that made me roar this morning was about a nutt in a country I can't pronounce (or probably spell) landing in jail for parrot smuggling. He was caught transporting 500 of these colorful birds across the boarder in...get this...an Audi! Police are still trying to figure this one out.

I'm disturbed to note that a new serial killer has been caught in Canada. Who knows how close this sicko came to getting away with killing forty-nine women. He told an undercover cop that he was going to retire after making it an even fifty. I doubt a sicko like that would ever have retired, but all of these facts are not what disturbed me the most. What really bothered me was that the news did not surprise me. What kind of world do we live in when forty-nine grisly deaths do not surprise the masses? Or am I alone in my expectation of the worst possible from the news each morning? I doubt I am, and if I am wrong, well the cheese stands alone and I've never heard it complain.

Mad As A Rabbit

I called little man's school earlier to find out how he was, since he's still ill, and I got this snotty (unknown to me) little b!tch on the line. Normally when I identify myself, tell them who my child is and why I am calling his teacher is put on the line. However this was not the case a few minutes ago. The woman not only had nothing to do with his class but she did not even check on him, and then dawned the attitude of someone that was coping with a very rude, disgusting, and out of line person. Now, normally I would not give two sh!ts that some little snot was giving me attitude, however when my child is involved it is a different story. I was, and still am, so mad I'm shaking. The little b!tch is lucky I don't drive over there and beat the holy he!! out of her snotty a$$! Instead I'm letting the Sig deal with it. I really don't want to end up in jail this year.

Speaking of BS- Anyone hear about the mother that killed her kids in San Francisco? Crazy, apparently literally, at least that was the ruling. Alright, so she's crazy, so what? She still murdered her kids, can we please do something about this?

More BS- How about the Feds raiding that medical marijuana clinic in Los Angeles? Medical marijuana is legal according to the state law, but since it's illegal federally sick people are still going to suffer. Not to mention clinic workers who are just doing their jobs as state licensed medical providers are going to end up going to jail, having their licenses revoked, and end up having their lives destroyed as labeled drug dealers. Ah, we are a country of hypocrisy.

On the Plus- The kidnapped boy in Missouri was found, along with another boy that has been missing for four years. I can not imagine the relief their families must feel, and I only hope for the fastest recovery for both boys. After all there are going to be some deep hurt there for a long time. I also hope the sick f@#k that was holding them prisoner suffers long and hard.

With this very angry post you might all be thinking that I'm acting a bit too harshly. Some of you might be thinking 'Wickkett, calm down!' My defense, imagine yourself in the position of the victim or even worse, in the position of the victims parents. Then I'm sure things would be a tad different.

Infecting the World

Little man has been battling a raging infection for almost a week now. He got sick on Friday, the Sig stayed at home with him and kept pumping meds in to him until his fever broke. The only problem is his fever never broke. The doctor's office was closed on the weekend, and by Monday I was really worried. Little man went in to the doctors office at the first available time on Monday to find out he had a quadruple infection. Poor kid, no wonder he was up crying every night! I would be too! His fever finally broke yesterday, and he is on four different kinds of medicine one for each infected area I suppose. Today is his first day back at school and my first day back at work. I've had very little sleep since Thursday night, so hand in there, I'm sure I'm not the most coherent.

Why is it doctors offices are closed on weekends? This seems pretty selfish to me. I know that there are clinics open on weekends, but personally I don't want to go to some strange clinic when I'm sick, I want to go to my family doctor. You know, some one I know and trust, not a stranger. But for this trust I have to take the time off of work (when I could have suffered through the week behind my desk and been paid for it) lose that money, and then pay whatever the co-pay is, and then I have to pay what ever price there is for the medicine, and all the while I'm thinking to myself that I could be using this time to make money. What a inconvenience it is to be sick, the least the doctors could do is make getting well more convenient! If I could have taken little man to the doctor on the weekend his infection wouldn't have been so bad, instead, well, instead I get saddled with a huge bill a very sick child, and I have to miss two days of work. On the plus side, I read two and a half books. Reading time is always fun time.

Anyone read the news article about the whack job in Newark that raped a pit bull pup? Sicko! They are offering a $5,000.00 award for his capture. Please go to Fox News and read the details. People like this need to go to jail where they will experience what it feels like to have that crime done to them. Poor dog.

And still, no signs of Wii. Sad.

Do You Even Have A License?

I was run off the road today for the third time this week. I'm beginning to believe that they don't really have drivers tests around here, instead they mail you a license on your 16th birthday, or when your feet touch the pedals, what ever comes first. There are so many people out there that are very lucky that I don't carry a gun with me, or drive a monster truck. I would be in jail.
With the drivers and the freezing rain I wonder why I still live in this state. I wonder that a lot.

Last year at this time I realized I was fat. Seriously, I had no idea, then one day the Sig told me, "Honey, you're over weight." Talk about a wake up call. I use to be a model, how could I be so unaware of my appearance? Well, needless to say I hit the gym like I dream of hitting the notorious guy in the black truck. Over the past year I've lost over fifty pounds, and I'm no longer fat, I am however still not back down to my modeling weight. That is my biggest goal. So I still go to the gym almost every day, I eat like a bunny, and I do more sit-ups in one week then most people do in a lifetime, and starting Saturday I will even have my own personal trainer. Shallow you say...ah...no, not so much. I'm doing this for myself. I'm happy with myself on all levels except for that one, and I intend to be completely happy with the person I am. So now that the long set up is out of the way. I've noticed a few things over the past year about the gym:

1. We Are NOT In The 80's! - The 80's scene found it perfectly acceptable to pick woman and men at the gym, twenty years later and it's not. If I wanted someone to hit on me I would go to a bar. But if you don't see a drink on my hand it's wise to leave me alone. Also the ring on the finger does not mean you have the right to ask me if my marriage is a happy one. In fact talking to me at all when I'm at the gym is dangerous at best.
2. Do You Have A Mirror? - I am no one to comment on the way a person looks - ever - but at my most bulky there were a whole slew of things I would not wear. For that matter there are things I would not wear at my thinest! I applaud anyone brave enough to make those courageous leaps at the fashionable glory. But please try to avoid any thong combination outside of a pair of leotards, especially if that thong is going to be doing any kind of disappearing act on the machine in front of me.
3. Clear The Machines - I hate it that no one ever resets the ellipticals. It's just a pet peeve of mine, kind of like really pointy shoes, or William Shatner.
4. Do You See The Book? - Seriously, I do not like to be talked to while I'm working out. Unless I know the person, and even then it's rare. I am not trying to be mean, I'm just not that talkative when I'm dripping with sweat. I always have a book, my i-pod, or my DS with me. It is pretty obvious I am other wise preoccupied, so it would be best if I was just left alone. Some one climbing on a machine next to me trying to strike up a conversation usually ends up feeling rather awkward. Don't get me wrong, I'm not mean or rude, I'm just not particularly inclined to talk. I would just like to be left alone with my sweat and distractions.
5. Good For you! - There has been a large jump in the number of people at the gym lately, and I think that is pretty fantabulous! As annoying as it is to fight for a parking spot (even at 5am) I'm happy to see my fellow human beings taking the initiative to be healthier. Yay for you! Way to go! Let's eat a pizza to celebrate! -Please-

Techno Breakdown

I am aware it has been a week since my last post. I have been having technological difficulties here at work all week. I'm sure since all of you are at least slightly familiar with computer you know exactly how I feel. Anyway, on to the observations of the past week.

1. More Anger On The Road- Alright, we all know I'm a very angry person. When I climb in to a car and I'm surrounded by people who obviously bribed the DMV to get their licenses I get very frustrated. Considering the 45 minute drive I have every morning, well let's just say that I take all my frustrations out at the gym. I spend a decent time at the gym. I do this instead of buying a gun and taking that guy in the black truck out. I burn off the aggression on an elliptical instead of ending up a case on the evening news. I'm beginning to notice that others need to find some kind of outlet as well. Last night I think two guys behind me (one of them the guy in the black truck) were about to get violent. Fortunately for the guy in the black truck he got away, unfortunately he chose to do so by cutting me off...again. Man, I hate that guy.

2. Loss Of Identity- I am the product of America. My ancestors immigrated here, and not all that long ago. I am half Mexican, and I'm proud of that, but I was born American and will always feel the strong American ties even if I move to another country. I do how ever realize that if I move to another country (unless I'm fleeing something) it would be wise to speak the native language, know how to use the currency, apply for citizenship, learn the laws, fly that countries flag, and get a license before I climb behind the wheel. I do not expect that country to cater to me in any way, why should I? If they did then their country would no longer be their own. I respect all nationalities, religions, and races. I am fascinated with other cultures. I believe all people should be respected, and be given all the freedoms our country has to offer, but in return I ask for a few things. As a country I believe we should all ask for these things.

-Speak our language; don't expect us to change our countries language because you refuse to change. I get behind anyone who is bi-lingual, what a wonderful thing! Learn as many languages as you possibly can! It is a wonderful skill for traveling and for the odd occurrence when a chance traveler does not speak English. It should NOT be a job requirement.
-I get that you are very proud of your country but if I see another flag painted on a car, truck, window, door, or gravestone I may wretch. I'm proud of my heritage, but you don't see any of those flags on my car, why...because I live here. Plus, flags on cars are just kind of tacky. That goes for the confederate flag too people! You lost the war, get over it!
-Don't expect us to use anything but our own currency! There is a pizza place in Dallas that is now accepting Mexican currency. Seriously I read an article about it yesterday. I'm more upset about this than I thought I ever would be.

Bottom line either we keep our own culture or we lose it, and right now we're letting it slip away. We try to respect everyone's culture, and that is great, but we need to remember to respect our own as well. We are a country made of immigrants, we are filled with diversity, and this is one of our strongest points. We can keep that diversity with out losing ourselves in the process. Don't be so afraid of offending others that you one day wake up and realize that you are offending yourself by not standing up for yourself and your country.

3. Illness- There have been (I feel) a very unusually large number of people getting sick. These people have been not only falling victim to this junk that's going around, but they are staying sick. Throw in the birds falling dead out of the sky in Texas, and the strange smell in New Jersey and New York, interesting thoughts start popping up. Then we add the war to the cocktail, throw in a dash of global stupidity, and then a splash of chaotic weather breaking out everywhere and we've got one funky scary combination. My prediction...expect to see the guys standing on the corners of busy streets with the large card board signs talking about the end of the world any day now. And when you see these crazies that envision themselves as modern prophets (and who knows they might be) take the opportunity to do something nice for someone else. Buy them a cup of coffee and take it to them, after all, that shouting about the end of the world is tired thirsty work.

4. No Wii- I know I've posted on this before, but come on! WTF?

5. Language News- I've read quite a few articles about what words should no longer be used, and what words should be used more. Most of these I can get behind. However there is one I strongly disagree with. It has been written that 'awesome' should no longer be allowed into daily conversation because it has diminished in value, and rarely means what it is actually defined as. I say SCREW THAT! Let's redefine and force it into the daily vocabulary of everyone from priests to surfers. Personally I think that would be awesome!

Celeb Degen

Has anyone else noticed the decline in sanity with our celebrities? Better question, has anyone not noticed the decline in sanity of the freak show that we have turned into American royalty? What happened to the class acts that used their money on the press to cover up the stupidity in their lives so they at least appeared perfect? Remember the great dames and gentleman of the silver screen, back when it was still silver. Joan Crawford, Ava Gardener, Gretta Garbo, Sinatra, Clark Gable, or Bogey, what happened to stars of the past. We didn't find out about their insane actions, or incidents until much later. No, I'm not telling Hollywood to cover up the indiscretions and insanity that seems to have become the standard, don't assume that. I am telling the reporters out there, the trash mag editors, and all paparazzi, to focus on the more positive influences on the circuit. We really don't need to hear about who is slutting around with who for the fifteenth time this week, and I know personally I have no desire to hear about Britney Spears underwear...ever. I think of reading magazines, and entertainment sections of the news as the closest thing to watching a train wreck or a public execution that our society can provide. The only problem with the morbid fascination we adults show to provide these nut jobs with celebrity is the affect it is having on our younger generation. When was the last time you heard some random young girl talk about her idolization of Britney, Paris, or Lindsey? I'm going to bet it wasn't long enough. Yay, let's encourage our kids to idolize the trashiest people possible! Let's tell them, obviously since these celebrities have won the ultimate popularity contest (and we know that's what kids want) just act like a complete mook and it could happen to you too! Just look at K-Fed. I shouldn't be so hard on ol' Fed-ex, at least he's taken some of the heat off of Vanilla Ice.
I went out with a friend last night, you know because I'm smart and I knew that going out and staying up late was the best way to fight this tenacious bronchitis. We went out to this little coffee house / bar that is one of my favorite bars, and definitely my favorite coffee house in town. It was a nice little outing filled with chocolate coco with raspberries for me, and a very hard drink for her. We then stopped off to pick up her husband and head back to my house where the Sig kiddie sat ever so patiently awaiting our return. Which was a very nice thing to do (ahem). It was when we got home that I really slipped up. I decided to take some NyQuil, you know because that's what you do when you're sick, but I didn't take the fact that it was a larger bottle with a larger cap in mind. I wasn't really firing on all cylinders yesterday. That said, I filled the cap all the way to the top and tossed it back before I thought twice about it, and then I promptly realized I took a double dose. The night ended right there. I fell asleep very shortly there after and I have been asleep at work all day. Ever have a day that you don't realize you have your underwear on backwards until the day is almost over. That's the day I'm having today my dearest readers. So sympathize and be amazed I found my way to my desk!

New Year Same People

Some people start off the new year with hope, looking forward to a year they hope and pray will be better then the previous year, I am not one of those people. You might wonder, 'Why, Wickket, why?' My answer, dear readers is simple, you have to be born like that, not a cynical realist like I was. Really, the only thrill New Year's Eve ever held for me was staying up past my bed time when I was a tot. Other then that, I can drink any time I want to, and I rarely ever want to drink, and I realize that a new year does not mean everything will change. Everything could change, but a new year has nothing to do with it, it has to do with the people that make the changes. Yes, something might happen this year to move our world leaders to sanity, but let's face it, that's highly unlikely. Even more unlikely, that guy that thinks he's hilarious (you know that guy, he thinks he's friggin' Eddie Izzard) will take a clue and shut up. Point being, human nature is not easily turned or swayed so why look to some new year with the blind hope of the ignorant unless you intend to do something about it yourself? Write that letter, or email your state or city official like you keep threatening to do. Let us all raise our voices in unison and cry out "No!" Let's cry out against the injustice, poverty, hypocrisy, and evil that has such a firm hold on our world. Let us all remind that evil that good will always be stronger when we are united. Let us not be blinded with ignorance or false hope putting faith in fate to make changes for our future while we sit back and do nothing but hope. If you want the world to change then lets change it, but if you just want to ask what I think 2007 will hold, or if I think it will be a better year then prepare yourself for a dose of reality because I'm not pulling any punches. Read the news, it's not any better for 2007 then it was for 2006, chalk full of people doing stupid and cruel things. As for this little black duck, I intend to find out why the recycling people in our city refuse to take our recycling, it's not like I did something to them. We want to help the earth too! (Actually they do this to everyone in town) Yet, they just scatter our recycling all over our yard, leaving us to pick it up and throw it away. No one on our street even bothers anymore, and that makes me a sad panda.
I'm still battling the dreaded bronchitis, but I'm winning so that's a plus. Still, being sick for so long and during the holidays has me really angry. Big surprise. New Year's was rung in with the Sig and I both ill and playing a video game. If that is a sign of things to come then I'm not sure what to think about the new year. Yesterday was the first time I even left the house over the three day break, the rest of my time was spent on our couch. But I couldn't take it anymore by the time the afternoon rolled around yesterday so we went out to watch Happy Feet, and do a little shopping. Happy Feet is a surprise, it is a all around wonderful movie. The characters are interesting, the music is fantastic, the story is touching, it is visually beautiful, and it has Robin Williams in it. What more could you ask for in a family flick? If you get the opportunity check it out. After the movie we went shopping at Bed, Bath, & Beyond one of my favorite places to shop. You have to love a store that you can buy both the sharpest and the softest thing in your house at! We bought a new set of silverware, and some new steak knives, then we had to get a new silverware rack, and of course a new banana hammock. We went in there to buy new silverware, but then we had to walk back through the store and check out. It never ceases to amaze me how that store can make me feel so good about spending far too much money. After the delayed BB&B experience we had to stop at Petsmart and pick up a new fish for the tank. We bought a little orange guy that will school with my Tiger Barb. All in all for being sick it was a pretty active day! Especially since we also decided to tear down Christmas, and do some serious house cleaning as well.
Tomorrow...I'm going to start trying to figure out what is going on with our recycling department.